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AIBU?

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Original poster

Baby ill from friend's toddler

212 replies

Biscuit94 · 26/12/2025 22:39

Hi all,

I have a 5 month old baby. Just over a week before Christmas my friend said she was up for Christmas and asked if she could pop round. She showed up on my doorstep with her toddler coughing and spluttering everywhere. I was surprised and thought maybe it was just a lingering cough, but she cheerily announced that he was always ill from nursery these days and walked straight in.

I understand that my baby is going to get ill and be exposed to all kinds of stuff, but why the hell would you do it just before Christmas?

Anyway, I came down with the cold a couple of days later, followed by my DH and then my poor baby girl on Christmas Eve. I thought she had gotten away with it as I am breastfeeding and thought maybe she had antibodies from me, but the poor little thing has been coughing and sneezing, struggling to sleep from the congestion and having more watery poos than normal :(. Absolutely gutted for her and even worse that it is over Christmas. Making sure to feed often, use Calpol and saline spray/a baby vapour rub. She slept on my DH for 5 hours last night and then me for another 5 as she is so uncomfortable lying flat in her bassinet.

I am so angry upset at my friend for not bothering to give me a heads-up/postpone/leave her toddler with his grandparents who she is staying with.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ForMyNextTrickIWillMakeThisVodkaDisappear · 27/12/2025 07:22

My sister did exactly the same as your friend and my first born was ill on her first Christmas at 3 months old, she was sick as a dog with every feed as she was so congested, and no one slept for days. 18 years later it still annoys me when I’m reminded because of the complete lack of thought for anyone else.

Hope your baby feels better soon.

PollyDarton1 · 27/12/2025 07:15

It’s one thing to cart around a toddler with a virus to the supermarket or wherever when it’s unavoidable and you need to get shit done.

It’s another entirely visiting the home of a young baby. You’re not being unreasonable OP. Some things are unavoidable and you do become complacent when toddlers are ill so freaking often but I also wouldn’t have taken my DS somewhere with a virus and a young baby, Christmas or otherwise. At the very least I would have asked you in advance if you minded, not turned up on your door putting you on the spot.

ellesbellesxxx · 27/12/2025 06:23

Biscuit94 · 26/12/2025 22:55

So I didn't put this in my OP, but I just don't understand why somebody would knowingly risk spreading it to a baby in their own home just before their first Christmas? I am a FTM so I get but people might think I'm being a bit precious.

I also have older grandparents I had planned to see on Christmas day plus my DH's dad who is immunocompromised.

Again, I get she can't avoid being sick forever but why would would you do this knowingly? To be it reeks of selfishness and it is very convenient for people to say "oh well, life goes on, they are going to catch colds anyway etc."

I agree with you op. Absolutely you know that baby will inadvertently pick up illnesses but to knowingly come over with an ill child isn’t fair at all. Hope you are all better soon x

SparklyGlitterballs · 27/12/2025 06:15

You've got a hard time from some here OP.

Christmas is a time for some well earned rest from work, a time to meet with your extended family, a lot who may be like your GPs - elderly and immunocompromised. To knowingly expose people to a cold bug just before a holiday is selfish. Of course you could catch a bug anywhere at anytime, but to deliberately expose people to it is not on. Fortunately your baby has coped, but I bet you and your DH could have done without feeling poorly in the run up to Christmas too.

Learn from this experience, and if something similar happens again, don't feel embarrassed to say "Ah, looks like little Lydia is full of cold. Let's rearrange for another time when they're feeling better". Even if they're standing on your doorstep. You don't have to accept their excuse that little Lydia is ill all the time nowadays from nursery. You'll get your turn at that later.

Original poster
Biscuit94 · 27/12/2025 05:59

Thanks everybody for the responses.
I'm going to stop replying now as I've gotten the measure of the two opposing viewpoints.

I still think some people are wilfully misunderstanding that calling ahead and warning would have been no effort, the visit wasn't necessary and that, although I understand she'll pick up colds why expose her to it in her own home?

Some people clearly also haven't read the post and are banging on about how she doesn't know it's Christmas, how toddler mums are more tired/less precious and how I can't always prevent her from getting colds, none of which were the point of the post. I don't know if this is a wilful lack of misunderstanding as some people want to get on their soapbox, or genuine poor reading comprehension, but, either way, these comments are just irrelevant to the discussion.

It's clearly a sensitive subject and it's interesting how some people have felt the need to come out and defend infecting a baby with a cold just before Christmas in the name of getting on with life, as though an hour's social visit is some kind of task that absolutely must have taken place and that the cold needed to be "juggled" around. You aren't getting any gold stars for this and it doesn't make you the great multitasking mum you think you are imo.

I would encourage people who have this perspective to try and have a bit more empathy for others, actually think about the potential consequences of what they're doing and consider if the benefits outweigh the risks. Like, obviously take your sniffly toddler to the shops/nursery/doctors etc as most would deem this NECESSARY, however, I think twice before "carting them round with gay abandon" to social visits were they could be putting more vulnerable people at risk purely for the sake of your own entertainment. That, to me, is pure selfishness and lack of thought.

As for those saying I should have denied her entry, maybe I should. To be honest he was in the hallway and spluttering by the time I had a chance to register what was going on. I only see this friend about twice a year as she lives far away so I found it a bit difficult in the moment to ask her to leave but perhaps I need to work on being assertive.

Thanks for the contributions, it's been pretty eye-opening and will definitely help me going forward in terms of assertiveness and setting boundaries.

OP posts:
BobblyBobbleHat · 27/12/2025 05:57

AgnesMcDoo · 27/12/2025 05:33

Unless you’ve been isolating you could have caught a cold anywhere.

most of the country has a cold.

it’s a virus. Totally pointless trying to blame people for it.

im sorry your PFb is poorly but you need to find your perspective again.

YABu

Yes, the common cold is everywhere doing the rounds this year. Just one of those things unfortunately. I don't think much would get done at all if people had to stop working and school etc every time they got a cold. Obviously if it is something more serious like flu then it's sensible not to be around others.

Horrorscope · 27/12/2025 05:44

Biscuit94 · 26/12/2025 22:55

So I didn't put this in my OP, but I just don't understand why somebody would knowingly risk spreading it to a baby in their own home just before their first Christmas? I am a FTM so I get but people might think I'm being a bit precious.

I also have older grandparents I had planned to see on Christmas day plus my DH's dad who is immunocompromised.

Again, I get she can't avoid being sick forever but why would would you do this knowingly? To be it reeks of selfishness and it is very convenient for people to say "oh well, life goes on, they are going to catch colds anyway etc."

All the people saying it’s ok to do this are probably the type of selfish arsehole that take their ill kids round to infect other people.

Hope your little one is OK, OP.

Original poster
Biscuit94 · 27/12/2025 05:37

StressedoutTeddy845 · 27/12/2025 02:42

I just love that you think that when your baby is 20 months you'll get more sleep and be more rested 🤣🤣🤣

Edited

Hilarious as I never said this. Reading comprehension is key x

OP posts:
AgnesMcDoo · 27/12/2025 05:33

Unless you’ve been isolating you could have caught a cold anywhere.

most of the country has a cold.

it’s a virus. Totally pointless trying to blame people for it.

im sorry your PFb is poorly but you need to find your perspective again.

YABu

Zanatdy · 27/12/2025 05:29

It’s incredibly selfish. I have 3 x DC and yes they were always sick when little as they went to nursery, but I always gave people the heads up if visiting. I mean right before Christmas, even more so. It is selfish, and a lot of people do it, hence the mixed responses on here. Yes your baby could have caught it anywhere, but likelihood is they wouldn’t if your friend didn’t show up with a sick toddler right before Christmas. Selfish.

TY78910 · 27/12/2025 05:22

liveforsummer · 26/12/2025 22:49

Tbf your baby doesn’t know it’s Xmas and you could easily have picked up the bug elsewhere, for instance out shopping. Being the owner of a toddler she probably just saw it as the norm and is used to cracking on.

I’m in this camp too. I have a kids with a 4 year age gap and when DC2 was a baby there was no shielding him. Surprisingly he didn’t get ill from his sibling, he would catch things himself when out and about. I get you’re annoyed in the Christmas period, but it genuinely may not have been from your friends kid - it’s just one of those things.

jill5676 · 27/12/2025 05:05

I have a toddler and a newborn... I do take the toddler places with a mild cold and obviously if she infected my newborn at home, what can you do, but I would never take her to someone else's house, especially if they have a baby, without first messaging to check. Fellow toddler parents do often say crack on because it's par for the course but I would expect anyone with a new baby to decline and I would willingly rearrange! Although I'm less precious with my second baby, that scenario would have annoyed me too OP.

Lifeissodifficult · 27/12/2025 04:58

FancyCatSlave · 26/12/2025 23:54

Lets see how you get on in 12 months time. I guarantee you will be carting your snotty toddler everywhere with gay abandon like the rest of us. We all start out with different ideas and then the reality of juggling life around their illnesses plays out and you just ignore the snot.

I had a Covid baby and it has taken years for her immune system to catch up from the lack of exposure. There’s no benefit to avoiding the colds. It makes everything worse.

This.

Itsthesameeveryday · 27/12/2025 04:35

It's extremely inconsiderate and I'd be livid

Charlottespider · 27/12/2025 04:17

Biscuit94 · 26/12/2025 23:20

Well yes obviously...

I feel like this mindset is just a way of people excusing the inconvenience of not being able to do exactly what they please. Like I get it's just a cold and she'll be fine, but it's selfish not to think about the specific context. It's a week before Christmas, I have elderly family members, I'm exclusively breastfeeding and running on next to no sleep...

What I mean is, it's easy for parents or toddlers to "crack on" without thinking/caring what the reality of spreading germs around means. It really wasn't a necessary meet-up so why do it and risk somebody else and their baby being miserable? Selfish imo and not something I would do.

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100%

fairydustt · 27/12/2025 04:07

I get you, I think it being Christmas makes it more annoying. I have a 3 month old, we were up at the in laws last week and my sister in law arrived saying she felt really unwell 🙄 great, then my son and myself became unwell on Christmas Eve, it’s ruined Christmas tbh and my son was fussy all day and I wasn’t feeling the best either. I was really looking forward to his first Christmas :( oh well. We got ill last month as well because my sister bought my nieces who were unwell to my mum and dads house, I do get that if you have a toddler you can’t really avoid illnesses, and in general they can’t be avoided, but it doesn’t kind of annoy me knowingly exposing everyone to illnesses because I’m the one that now has to deal with a fussy sick baby whilst also being sick myself and getting no sleep Eugh!

StressedoutTeddy845 · 27/12/2025 02:42

I just love that you think that when your baby is 20 months you'll get more sleep and be more rested 🤣🤣🤣

RacingAcrossTheSofa · 27/12/2025 02:39

It’s selfish behaviour.

Yes, when you have kids at nursery sometimes it feels like they have an endless cold, and to a certain point you just have to crack on with things.

But I would never take an apparently sick child to someone’s house without warning them ahead of time and giving them the option to cancel. And if they have a baby I’m more likely to choose to cancel myself and tell them that I don’t want to risk passing it on.

BonneMamanAbricot · 27/12/2025 02:38

I would always mention that they have a cold before coming to give the other person a chance to say yes or no. They ABU especially when you have a baby

SoloMumJustMuddlingThrough · 27/12/2025 02:27

You don't visit people if you have a cold in the two weeks before Christmas. Any other time, with toddlers, you do kind have to crack on though or you'd never leave the house (obviously you wouldn't take a sick toddler to see a newborn though!)

DD literally had a sniffle 2 weeks before Christmas. We didn't go to any of her groups etc because I think it would have been selfish to pass on germs before the holidays. Any other time of year, we would have gone.

GooseberryGreen · 27/12/2025 01:42

I think the building up of immunity argument is rubbish. Viruses like the cold mutate. It's not once and done. OP and her partner both got the cold. Now presumably they are adults and have been exposed to many viruses growing up yet they still got the cold. Before the inconsiderate visitor, they had been doing absolutely fine with this chink in their immune system.

I have found that handwashing is key. A really thorough wash with soap and water, not a quick rinse under the tap. Most viruses are spread most easily by hand to eye, mouth, nose contact . I wash my hands whenever I come into the house, before I eat, and endlessly around sick people. I disinfect doorknobs and make sure to have a separate towel and toothpaste for people who are sick. I try not to touch my face. We are very rarely sick.

Mydadsbirthday · 27/12/2025 01:36

Owly11 · 26/12/2025 22:58

You noticed the toddler was ill and the friend confirmed it so you should have said 'i am so sorry to be picky but i don't want any illness in the house just before xmas, let's try and meet another time when everyone is well'. Your house, your rules.

I would have done this too I'm afraid. I think it's really selfish of your friend OP.

Justchilling07 · 27/12/2025 01:25

Ohmysaintedauntfanny · 27/12/2025 01:21

There’s only 1 plausible reason. To have something to do to entertain the toddler! No thought was given about the 5 month old.

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Yes, completely agree.

Justchilling07 · 27/12/2025 01:24

@Lyra87 Exactly.

Ohmysaintedauntfanny · 27/12/2025 01:21

Justchilling07 · 27/12/2025 01:16

Really! How on earth would you know, if it’s a virus or a cold, the point is they are both contagious, why would you knowing take a child to someone else’s home, when you know this can be passed on.
And most importantly, your visit is not essential, what difference does it make to reschedule.
Yes l understand, there are coughs and colds etc, this time of year, what l don’t get, why visit somewhere with an unwell child, when there’s no real need to.

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There’s only 1 plausible reason. To have something to do to entertain the toddler! No thought was given about the 5 month old.

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