Baby ill from friend's toddler

Honestly it's just the way it is. If you had two children your toddler would be passing this onto younger sibling anyway. Similarly if you or Dh worked with kids or the public it would be accepted that these germs enter your home. A first born with parents who dont work with the public is much more protected from the world so you are much more alerted to this stuff. When you saw the toddler coughing you could have sanitised their hands or removed baby so it's not fair to place all blame on your friend, who probably thought nothing of it all.

It's one cold she'll never have again so that's a plus. Also she knows nothing about Christmas so that's another plus. You've got years of this ahead so you're getting used to it so that's yet another plus.

You may not think it now but in a few years this will be you. You’ll just be carrying on as normal when you realise they are always getting coughs and colds and life just carries on.

If you keep only going to the "necessary" things when your toddler has a cold, you will literally never go anywhere. You don't seem to be understanding that toddlers are sick and snotty a lot of the time and when they're better, then you're the one sick. Rinse and repeat.

You will literally not see people for months and months if you take that attitude with a toddler.

As a mother of a nearly 2 year old who has had a constant runny nose since September I can see why the mother might not have even given it a second thought because her toddler having a cold is just completely normal. She likely still sends her to nursery etc and shes likely completely fine in herself. She may have not thought through the implications for your baby. I'm not saying she was right to turn up at your door without prior warning that her child was sick but I can understand how it just may not have entered her mind at all to warn you.

OP you'll find some parents are just selfish. A mum friend of mine seems totally unbothered about informing anyone she or her child is ill because in her words 'I suffer badly with FOMO'. So for example she attended a play date with a chest infection whilst my Dad was very ill and she knew we were being cautious with who we saw. For context he went onto End of Life and died a couple of months later so he was an ill man. She recently hosted a party and invited a relative's child who had a temperature and was coughing everywhere and looked really ill despite them having been off nursery as too unwell the day before. My friends and I are very cautuous now, as soon as she mentions any illnesses we cancel or postpone. Tbh it's made me distance ourselves, time is precious woeking FT and I'll avoid unnecessary illnesses at all costs.

I’m sorry but you are being unreasonable! I’m assuming you only have one baby? Once you have a second, you can’t shelter it from your now toddler and all of their germs! Plus in winter you can pick up something from anyone! I think that a D&V bug or a known nasty like whooping cough etc then I would agree - but a cold? Most toddlers seem to have them quite a bit and permanently runny noses etc 🙈! It’s grim, but apparently good for their immune systems to catch some mild viruses when young (newborns aside). I would have needed to become a hermit to avoid winter viruses - and that is not good for mums nor babies!

I think coz little kids get sick a lot, parents become a bit blasé about it. My friends 2 kids are constantly ill and so my friend sees constant colds and viruses as totally normal. But if you are a child-free, immunocompromised household (like mine), we generally don’t get coughs and colds much because we take steps to avoid them as much as possible as it can make me very unwell for a long time afterwards.

The problem with little kids is they don’t have good (or any!) hygiene practices. So they sneeze and cough all over people and nobody stands a chance. Parents can be very selfish about things like this, in my opinion.

I wouldn’t visit anyone’s house while I had a cold or a virus, as I wouldn’t want to pass it on.

I think she is probably so used to her nursery age child being ill, it's constant at that age, that she just thinks everyone knows it goes with the territory of having a toddler, they are constantly ill all winter.

But I still think she should have given you the heads up that the toddler was ill. You could have then planned to meet outside, or said not to meet. It's horrible when a young baby gets a cold, they can't properly cough or blow their nose and breathing becomes tricky, they can't indicate what's hurting/ if it's turned into something that they need any treatment for etc. And agree that while 'life goes on' and people need to crack on with things when they're ill, to me that applies to things like work, or food shopping, or other essential tasks. Not visiting very elderly or very young people who are more vulnerable.

And not sure why posters are veering off on tangents about who gets more sleep, a breastfeeding mother of a 5 month old or a mother of a 20 month old. Or making comments such as 'your husband could have picked up a cold anywhere'...yes he could, but it's a lot more likely he picked it up from being in an enclosed space with a toddler who can't cover their mouth when they cough or sneeze and constantly have their fingers in their mouth/ up their nose and then all over your house. And even if he did catch it from someone else, that doesn't make it ok to take your ill toddler to a house with a young baby without a heads up!

Honestly, some of these posts are ridiculous.

'Well illnesses happen, you could have caught it anywhere'.

Yeah, sure. Nothing to do with someone bringing their clearly ill toddler into the house just before Christmas and spreading germs everywhere.

YANBU at all, OP. There are some very selfish people posting on here defending your friend's selfish actions. I'm in my third toddler phase right now - no way would I take her to someone's house when clearly unwell, and especially if they had a baby, or someone elderly, etc. I would always give them a heads up, or postpone entirely if she had a temperature etc.

Yes, toddlers get a lot of colds. There's an obvious difference between taking a child round who is on the tail end of a bug, still has a few mild symptoms but is otherwise well... and one who is in the thick of it and highly contagious.

I hate how relaxed some people are about illness in kids. A simple cold for a toddler can be serious for a baby

If you're visibly ill, it is good manners to give others the chance to avoid. It is bad manners to just turn up to someone's house unwell.

A person who is ill should try to be considerate. And if you spend hours with someone visibly ill you can make an educated guess about transmission route.

This so reminds me of the covid days. Somebody says that they shared an office with another person who tested positive and now they have it. Cue the responses from people bleating that you could have got it from anywhere and you can't possibly know you got it from the person you spent hours in close proximity to.

It's really entirely likely that spending time with somebody visibly ill and then getting sick yourself is the most likely culprit. Some people just want to have their own way and carry on socialising because they don't care whether they spread it around or not. They should just own it.

I’m sorry, OP. Have been in that boat and it’s hard especially if you and DH are also riding the illness and you have no-one to help (a familiar tune for me).

You will likely get struck down with illness including more colds and gastro and it’s interesting sometimes it seems the kid gets over it fast and parents are sick for ages.

Lately I’ve been on a permanent cold I think for at least 6 months just get better after a few weeks and here’s the next one. My toddler has a runny nose for five minutes and I’m struck down for weeks.

I think though your friend should have been a little more considerate and cancelled the visit for two weeks though.

I hope you all feel better soon.

A sniffle and a cough is one thing but going to someone’s home when properly ill is just wrong. Especially before Christmas. Your friend will have lost sight of that as in toddler mum life it is quite normal to just mix them anyway as they likely have the same germs. She’s not being malicious, she’s just not thinking.

But your toddler lives with your baby. Ops friend need not have visited her house. Completely different situation.

Yes, very true.

But when someone is obviously ill, with a runny nose and coughing, then they are more likely to be spreading than someone who is asymptomatic and simply breathing. So yes you can’t avoid germs, but you don’t spread them so willingly either.

Someone around you probably had it with no symptoms
Yes, indeed, very possible but that supports my point. Maybe OP got the cold from someone close to her who had no symptoms at the time.

My point is that we rarely know for sure how we caught a virus, so getting angry at someone specific is pointless. I never catch my husband's virus nor my son, ever had. I don't know why as I don't bother to go into avoidance or hygiene mad.

It’s bloody selfish especially with such a young baby who won’t have had any jabs yet

Someone around you probably had it with no symptoms.

Unless everyone was testing every day, you can't know that no one had it.

Anyway, I came down with the cold a couple of days later, followed by my DH and then my poor baby girl on Christmas Eve
But how do you know you got it from her?

I was shielding during covid so very conscious of doing everything possible to avoid catching. The e tire family got it at one time or another over the first year. All close family members who I was exposed to, who didn't take me as seriously when it came to taking precautions, and I couldn't lock myself in one single room.

When I finally caught it after 2 years and vaccinated, not one person around me had or had had it, so eho knows where I got it from.

I don't get this new obsession of getting so cross with people who they decide are the culprit who passed on a very common illness that is currently doing the rounds. Not only it is called life - ultimately, all these people caught it from someone else who weren't locked in a room for a week- but they cannot, scientifically, know gor sure who they got it from.

I think a heads up is normal good manners, but not everyone does it. You can't expect it, and this friend has form, so you'll have to think how to manage her going forwards.