Baby ill from friend's toddler

Most of the posters have been on both sides of this. Newborn babies - definitely avoid germs and ill children where possible. 5 months old isn’t in that category though.
Would you have been so annoyed had it NOT been been Christmas? It’s absolutely impossible to definitely pinpoint where your child caught a bug from. Although of course, it’s likely in this scenario to be the child. But bugs cannot be totally avoided.
I think you are disappointed to have had a crap poorly Christmas - welcome to parenthood! It sucks but it happens. Was in that boat last year - luckily for you your child is young enough that they won’t take a blind bit of notice.
I have been where your friend is - plans have been arranged, and to cancel for some is really sad to do, as a Mum who really REALLY struggled with isolation and negative mental health, I craved meet ups and plans and routine to keep both of us engaged… your friend made the wrong call. All of us parents do that daily. To be briefly gutted, fine. But don’t hold a grudge about it, what’s done is done. Move on, if you are good enough friends you will laugh about it in a few years!

England parents have a kind of Stockholm syndrome when it comes to germs and illnesses.

The practical necessity to use childcare and overzealous pressure for school attendance mean that someone ill being at school/nursery is a norm, not an exception. Which leads to people getting used to it and fabricating positive relationships to the germs, to allow themselves to forget about how bad idea it really is.
And anyone questioning it is effectively questioning their own parenting, so it is important to immediately shut them down with a few phrases.

Even if you will join this later, it still doesn't excuse bringing ill children to visit a baby.

The most contagious stage is when the fever is present, which I assume is why nursery/school/the NHS guidance is to keep them at home when they have a fever. Once the fever is gone and they feel well you are free (as per guidance) to get out and about, snotty noses and coughs can linger long after they feel better and the fever is gone. That's what leads us to kids with low-level colds being out and about.

But listen, if you've never made a parenting mistake then I take my hat off to you. You're better than me, no argument! That's brilliant. To have got through several years of parenting without making a mistake is incredible. You should be so proud.

Please don’t reevaluate OP. You’re 100% not being unreasonable. Sadly, a lot of parents have this sort of attitude to spreading germs and all you can do is isolate as much as possible before any socials event/trips etc. I’m lucky as I’m a SAHM so can do this easily, I feel sorry for people who have no choice but send them to childcare before any such events as it’s almost guaranteed that there will always be at least one kid who shouldn’t be there because they are full of disease.

I don't think either of you is particularly unreasonable, you just have different views on it and are at different stages of what you personally think is reasonable. A heads up would have been polite to give you the option of cancelling.

I guess that (indirectly) answers my question then!

Indeed. I'd never dream of taking a toddler with a bug to a baby just before Christmas.

In fact, during COVID, I was monumentally pissed off with in laws who paid for a big holiday for the whole family - only to covertly come to a family party on a positive test, right before we were supposed to test to fly.

I've caught noro off the bride's sister's toddler at a hen do too.

Because "life goes on" attitudes include a fair amount of "I ruined something really special for someone but they didn't die, so fuck it".

I’m several years into parenting and unless it really can’t be helped because they need to go to the doctors or whatever, I keep my kids home when they are contagious. So please stop generalising. Not everyone is like you. There is no need to have a cold for 6 months straight, what a miserable childhood for the kids. Your attitude is precisely why your kids are constantly ill. You’re not letting them recover which is what builds the immune system (not constantly beating it up with new infections). That attitude also means that everyone else around you is catching things. If people started keeping their kids at home during the most contagious stage of a cold at least and then let them recover when they do catch it, there would be less illness overall. Oh and stop going on about what the school says, all they care about is their attendance stats, not your child’s health. You are the parent and it’s for you to make that judgment call.

So, you asked the question and you got the answer. Half the people who responded think you are being unreasonable.

You’ve been quite defensive in your posts (understandably with some of them, as the thread became a bit of a bunfight), but are you going to reevaluate at all in light of the voting?

I think what most people find unreasonable is labelling your friend so negatively and insisting that you would never, ever do this because you're somehow morally superior.

She probably shouldn't have come, but when you're in the trenches of the six month cold you do basically forget that they have it. School and nursery policy is that they should stay away if they have a temperature or vomiting/diarrhoea, but otherwise they should be at school/can be at nursery. A snotty nose/cough isn't grounds to keep a child at home and so you carry on. This is what she's done. It's what many, many parents do. Because you have to, you can't stay indoors for six months.

She should have thought about your young baby and it being so close to Christmas. But it's an understandable mistake.

YABU to think that you will never make this mistake or one similar. You're five months in. Come back in two years and tell us how you've never made a single mistake in your parenting journey.

I think there is a difference between sitting in a doctors waiting room/doing necessary errands and going out to people’s houses or other places where there are other babies/toddlers. I’m a SAHM and given up on most playgroups etc in winter with my kids as there are always several selfish mothers there with their toddlers (and/or themselves) coughing and splattering everywhere. These sort of parents ruin it for everyone else.

Well it’s not actually. It IS the point. Give it a few years and new mums will be posting on here about you visiting them with a germ infested toddler and giving them all colds. But of course you’ll all be in self isolation every single time there’s a sniffle in the family until none of you have any symptoms and won’t be sat in Drs waiting rooms or out in public spreading it to anyone else. 🙄

As PP said, these are the posters who don’t really care about getting others sick because of their own FOMO, so they come up with any ridiculous argument they can to justify their behaviour rather than accept that they’re selfish and their own wants trump the health of others.

When you saw the toddler coughing you could have sanitised their hands or removed baby

I think this comment from a PP sums up how skewered the logic of some people here is.
As if a bit of hand sanitiser on a toddler would have much effect. And where would you remove the 5 month old baby to?! The garden shed?!

Granted we might all have different attitudes about spreading illness/risk/friendship/whatever and it might not occur to us that some might be more risk averse than others. But that would be surprising to me after the recent covid years, and I don't think some basic communication is much to ask for so people can have a choice.

This. It was thoughtless.

So it’s ok to take your snotty child to visit a baby just before Christmas in its own home?My granddaughter was plagued with bugs every winter so definitely wasn’t traipsing through other peoples homes infecting other families. Shopping and a trip to park for fresh air obviously but no indoor contact with others…it’s just basic manners and common courtesy/ sense .

I have a 3.5yo who has just been very poorly before Christmas, with the fever only breaking on Christmas eve. This is despite me pulling them out of nursery on 19 Dec so we could all try to be well for Christmas. Thankfully they recovered enough to enjoy Christmas but it's been a stressful week and I also got it (second illness in two weeks for me). There is no way I would ever have done what your 'friend' did and all these people saying you become blase about illness as they get older are just showing how bloody selfish they are. They're the same parents that mean I felt forced to forgo ~£200 of childcare and we still got ill anyway! If we'd been so unwell that our Christmas day plans couldn't go ahead, it would have ruined 3 other people's plans on top of our own (we were hosting).

I totally agree with you! Not possible to avoid coughs and colds at all times but why knowingly introduce your snot infested child to another family ,when it could be so easily avoided! . .

The point is a two hour catch up with a friend is not worth a week or more of illness and not doing the things you’ve planned to do especially at Christmas, where it sounds like you have had to change plans.

Your friend should have realised that and thought “which would they rather sacrifice, their Christmas plans or a catch up with me?”.

I really don’t understand what people don’t get.

It's common courtesy to give you the heads up if someone you are visiting is poorly - either way.

If I’m having visitors, at any time, I expect them to let me know if they are poorly so I have the opportunity to reschedule. Exactly how I would advise visitors if I was ill.

This has nothing to do with the time of year or toddlers always being snotty. Just basic manners.