Baby ill from friend's toddler

In the end, it's logical. Ability to protect (meaning decrease the risks) yourself and your family from germs and illnesses is a form of luxury. It is available for a small family of stay at home parent and preschool children when the other parent works from flexible location (home-office), for some professions, for some pensioners, for people who have time and money to actively make health conscious and even shielding choices. Everyone else is more or less doomed.

If you have to put children to a nursery, even if you can afford to keep your child away when ill or during recovery, you kind of lost this game, because others can't or won't do the same, and the very young children don't really develop that much of the immunity, so will catch things over and over.

Some kind of private mini setting/specialiaed childminder might work better, but it would require very clear rules, and only children from families which can keep them home to be allowed to attend this group.

Some people are just angry that you want to protect your child when they couldn't protect their's - take those whose older child put the younger to the hospitals and they had to shrug and accept it as "life", they are effectively voicing that your 5months old isn't more precious than their's.

Still, it is selfish to ignore the fact, that you are in the position to lower the risks for your child now and take the choice from you. But maybe it isn't just a thoughless selfishness, maybe it is active avoidance of thinking about the risks as risks.
It's sad to think about baby's health as luxurious item, but it would explain why parents trying to prevent illness by not meeting openly ill children or keep their child a day or two from school to shield them before holiday get so much hate here.

I'm not immunocompromised, no newborn or high-risk pregnancy, etc, but I'd still be mightily annoyed at a friend who tried to barge into my home with an obviously contagious illness, including a cold. It's no fun, and it's not necessary. Yes, we all get colds, but when I can avoid one, I'm happy to do so. Unless it's your last chance to visit someone moving abroad, I think they should just let it wait for another time. I'd let her know (subtly) that your baby caught the cold, and next time she tries to share the germs, tell her you're sorry, but you can't risk it after last time. She may be offended or annoyed. Oh well.

This is funny but also spot on.

I recently moved to portugal and here it is normal to cancel if you are unwell rather than infecting others. As much as I love england, thoughtless germ spreading is one cultural quirk that i am happy to leave behind.

That specific thing is selfish, inconsiderate etc etc. Giving someone the choice whether they still want you to visit if you’re ill is baseline consideration. Calling ahead in that situation is a really low bar of consideration.

I had a parent drop a kid at a party…after telling me earlier they couldn’t come because the kid had been vomiting all night. It was an awkward conversation and I felt a shit having to have it, but the alternative was being a shit to the other guests and families by allowing him to stay. In the same way I wouldn’t understand why someone who would expect another to call ahead if unwell wouldn’t offer the same courtesy in return, I don’t understand why those whose FOMO is so overpowering that they can’t offer the same courtesy to others and make them ill instead so they miss out.

I'm not making any comment on how you think. I've got no idea how your mind works. I'm commenting on what you've said. I can see the words you've used. As can everyone else. If you think the things you've said and the language you've used doesn't really represent what you think then that's something for you to look at. None of us can judge you on your thoughts, only your words.

I think a big part of the divide is the definition of “ill”. Toddlers can have a bit of a cough long after the cold has gone. A child with a raging temperature and in the throes of being ill should of course be kept home. A bit of a sniffle and a cough after the temperature and illness has passed is the phase when lots of parents will happily carry on. To them the child is no longer ill but maybe still coughing a little. You can be contagious before you are symptomatic and then at the peak of the cold you are most contagious.

My son got chicken pox at his first birthday and ended up in hospital. No children at his party or nursery had outward symptoms, there was nothing to avoid.

It sucks when the kids are ill, but there are two sides.

I think she was thoughtless and inconsiderate.Mine are older now ,but I remember being horrified, at my friends "kind" invitation to have DD over (About a year or so) to catch Chicken Pox! I wouldnt visit elderly relatives with a cold now

I'm really shocked that so many people would visit someone in their home when they are knowingly ill, or with an unwell child.

I would always, always give a host a heads up if anyone in our family has a cold before we visit them, and all our friends and family do the same. I thought it was basic good manners?

Usually the response would be, no problem at all, come along anyway - clearly it is impossible to avoid ever being ill without severely restricting your life. But sometimes people have a particular reason for wanting to stay healthy - a special occasion, travel plans, upcoming visit to a vulnerable relative, feeling particularly exhausted and in need of rest etc etc and it is unbelievably rude to not give someone an opportunity to make their own decision.

To be honest I think once you enter the nursery phase and then school, you just get into the endless cycle of little colds that aren't enough to keep the kid off for and you become a bit blasé about it. Not saying that it's right to spread it to other people, but some kids would be contained with a bit of snotty-ness for like one week out of 3 in nursery/reception! You just stop seeing it as a problem. (Not to mention that once they are in school, you'd be investigated if they had that much time off.)

You can be annoyed at someone's mistake without being negative, but that's not the choice you've made. You've described it as thoughtless, inconsiderate, it 'reeks of selfishness', that she lacks common courtesy etc.

You've then said over and over again that it's something you would never, ever do.

So, yes, for anyone with a basic level of reading comprehension you've been very negative about your friend whilst claiming moral superiority for yourself.

If it were me I'd move away from being that person. But I can see we will never agree so I wish you well, hope your baby is better soon.

You're not in the least bit unreasonable. My then six month old son had to spend a scary week in hospital thanks to 'just a cold'.

Sorry OP for so many nasty dim responses.
Yanbu at all.

Your friend was spectacularly selfish.
A decent friend/human being wouldn't dream of arriving to a house with a small baby with a sick toddler in toe.
She doesn't give a damn about you or your baby.
It suited her to visit you and nothing was getting in the way of that.

Of course your baby doesn't need to be getting sick tp build immunity 🙄.

You will learn a lot from this.
One, she is no friend.
Two, its perfectly reasonable to refuse entry to anyone ill, or will an ill child.
Three, there is no harm in keeping yourself as well as possible during the winter months with good hand hygiene and avoiding crowded places with babies.

I really hope you both feel better soon.

I have an old friend like that. She invited me over for tea and once I was there told me her daughter was ill with flu. I just left. I should have known better because she's got form.

@Biscuit94 You will find that the people who give you a heads up/decline to meet you when ill are the same ones who have basic courtesy in other aspects of life as well. They are considerate as opposed to selfabsorbed and selfish.

Can we be friends?😆I feel like most parents in the UK have the sort of attitude you describe which makes it difficult for those of us who don’t want their kids constantly ill. And I agree about the bingo phrases they always use to shut others down. My favourite one is-do you when a health anxiety?

It is very selfish. But equally if you've got toddlers this time of year then they'll be having colds. So to her it felt like not much.

However, she shouldn't have just bowled into your house..she should've said 'I was thinking of popping round, little Esmeralda has a bit of a cold though.' then you can say 'No. Sorry but I don't want to risk any of us catching it. We'll see eachother as soon as she's better.'

It's still not 100% certain your kid did catch it from her though. If it was the tail end of it. It could've come from someone who only just started having symptoms.

Op I'm with you she was totally unthinking .

@FurForksSakeyour own toddler gave your own baby an illness that triggered a hospital visit

Would you take your toddler to someone else's house knowing they were ill and the severity of passing on illness ??

You've said multiple times that you would never, ever do this actually. Maybe not in the OP, but many times since.

I think what people are trying to point out is that you might actually, one day, once your toddler is at nursery and colds are part of daily life. It just becomes background noise and mistakes can be made.

If you care to read my post carefully, I agree with you that in an ideal world she should have told you (or even better just cancelled the visit). I think you are unreasonable to hold such negative views about her though. I think she made a mistake. I think you, in your parenting journey, will also make mistakes.

No need for soapboxes or 'completely fabricating false extremes'. I've just read your posts and responded in a measured way. You're right, but perhaps temper your views about your friend a little.

I posted a similar post last year OP, when my son was in hospital seriously ill and struggling to breathe with RSV. It was a ranty post because I was so upset and angry at the time, but essentially said the same thing as you, because I’m sure we caught it from the mother and toddler sitting right next to us in a baby class, both with red eyes and noses and both very snotty. We were sat less than a meter from them and just two days later, DS developed a fever.

Yes we could have caught it anywhere, but it was most likely them. So for both mother and child who had a bad cold, to come to a class aimed at 6 to 18 months old, that was peak selfishness in my book.

Yet even then, I had a very similar response to my post - just wait until he’s a toddler, could have caught it anywhere, would never leave the house, maybe my child is the issue and must have a defective immune system (yes really, someone went on about how I should get his immune system tested). Except he is my second child and even with my first, I never took him out to mix with others when he was ill and I still don’t.

I had to leave that thread in the end because people kept defending the behaviour of the other mother and child. It just demonstrates that people believe their own lives are a priority and they don’t care about the impact they may have on others.