Baby ill from friend's toddler

Biscuit94 · 2025-12-26T22:39:06+00:00

Hi all, I have a 5 month old baby. Just over a week before Christmas my friend said she was up for Christmas and asked if she could pop round. She showed up on my doorstep with her toddler coughing and spluttering everywhere. I was surprised and thought maybe it was just a lingering cough, but she cheerily announced that he was always ill from nursery these days and walked straight in. I understand that my baby is going to get ill and be exposed to all kinds of stuff, but why the hell would you do it just before Christmas? Anyway, I came down with the cold a couple of days later, followed by my DH and then my poor baby girl on Christmas Eve. I thought she had gotten away with it as I am breastfeeding and thought maybe she had antibodies from me, but the poor little thing has been coughing and sneezing, struggling to sleep from the congestion and having more watery poos than normal :(. Absolutely gutted for her and even worse that it is over Christmas. Making sure to feed often, use Calpol and saline spray/a baby vapour rub. She slept on my DH for 5 hours last night and then me for another 5 as she is so uncomfortable lying flat in her bassinet. I am so angry upset at my friend for not bothering to give me a heads-up/postpone/leave her toddler with his grandparents who she is staying with. AIBU?

Baby2duejuly2026 · 29/12/2025 18:46

YANBU.

My sons 3 and I tell friends with kids if he’s unwell before we meet up even if their child is 2,3,4,5… always good to have a heads up.

It takes 30 seconds to text before hand and say DS has a bad cold is that ok

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 29/12/2025 18:31

Despite being born in the middle of winter, my DC didn’t catch anything until they were well over 6 months, partly because I didn’t have any selfish visitors like yours. Colds might be a fact of life, but decent people avoid passing them on to anyone, never mind little babies or new mums, especially at Christmas. I would say something to her - it might stop her from doing it again.

Our Christmas has also been a bit spoiled by illness, but older kids and adults have much stronger meds/booze at their disposal, and a poorly baby is so hard. God bless you and your baby, OP 💓

Americano75 · 29/12/2025 13:38

Look after yourself as well as the wee one, hope she's back to her normal self soon.

Original poster

Biscuit94 · 29/12/2025 13:34

Thanks for the well wishes.

Although her respiratory rate and heart rate were elevated, her oxygen levels were okay thank God and although she is not feeding like she usually does she is taking in some milk so doctor just said to monitor closely, particularly for dehydration. It was awful this morning as she woke up and coughed almost non-stop for 40 minutes 😞. I managed to get her to feed a bit and settled her to sleep, but she is still coughing intermittently. She was coughing her head off in the hospital but the doctor said her chest sounded okay, she is just full of mucus in her throat. She is on day 5 now and they did say it should get better from here. On another note given I'm exclusively breastfeeding I'm now painfully engorged given she is not feeding as much 🤦🏼‍♀️

I've got to focus on her getting better now, providing TLC and being vigilant. I have anger towards my friend but I know it is pointless. Maybe she made a mistake, maybe she was selfish. I won't talk to her about it now as I'm far too emotional about the whole thing.

I've found this post so disheartening to be honest. Maybe my friend just didn't think, but those on this post who have said they'd just show up anyway with all the facts in hand are seriously selfish imo. Ultimately, they can try to justify their actions with incorrect science and their toddler always being ill or they'd never go out ect, but with all the facts in hand they're saying a one hour social visit was worth me, my DH and my baby being sick and stressed over Christmas. Quite genuinely it makes me realise how selfish some people are. The fact they would take the decision to reduce my risk away from me and show up for their own benefit is downright mean. Saying that their toddler is always ill so they don't see an issue anymore is the definition of selfish and thinking about their own circumstances whilst not caring for others. 😞

It has taught me I'll have to put boundaries in place in the future so there is that.

Bowing out for good now as I think dealing with an ill baby has made me vent some frustrations on this thread that have ultimately been pointless and I can see many won't change their opinion.

Thanks again all.

OP posts:

Heronwatcher · 29/12/2025 10:20

Sorry to hear that your baby is no better.

I would always give people I was visiting a heads up if my kids were ill, yes.

That said you can’t be sure that your DD got it from the revolting toddler rather than someone in boots or the postman! For your own mental health I’d be focusing on getting her better. I had similar with my DS3, when he was in hospital for breathing issues at 2 months (winter 2019) the ward was full of babies who’d caught bronchitis from their siblings. They were all fine after treatment.

Next time you’ll also have a rock solid script too (because this will happen again)- “sorry Jen I can see you and Harry look like you have a bug, this time last year Iris was hospitalised with RSV- I think we need to give it a miss today, or let’s just go for a walk in the park…”

Ponoka7 · 29/12/2025 10:08

I put YABU because you let them in and around your baby. Next time, you turn people away.

FryingPam · 29/12/2025 10:06

Not surprised that it’s an equal spilt on the vote…when my baby was five months old, I was furious about this sort of thing and I gave one of my friends a telling off. Now that I have a toddler I understand that you just can’t keep them locked away whenever they have a cold. Mine has one since early September and as soon as it gets better, he picks up the next thing. It will probably be like this until Spring. I keep him at home if he has a temperature or D&V, but otherwise we crack on with life (although I’m careful around babies and would give a friend a heads up because I remember how stressed I was about such things).

Twirlyhockey · 29/12/2025 09:58

cocobanana922 · 27/12/2025 15:06

As a mother of a nearly 2 year old who has had a constant runny nose since September I can see why the mother might not have even given it a second thought because her toddler having a cold is just completely normal. She likely still sends her to nursery etc and shes likely completely fine in herself. She may have not thought through the implications for your baby. I'm not saying she was right to turn up at your door without prior warning that her child was sick but I can understand how it just may not have entered her mind at all to warn you.

This is sort of what I meant about the mother of a 20 month old being just the same as the mother of a younger baby - that the toddler mum might just see the whole illness thing as something inevitable that we all go through and there's no point changing plans as a result. I wasn't trying to do competitive one upmanship or a tangent of who is most tired, and I am sorry, I said it now, as I think it did needle OP who doesn't need extra crap when dealing with a sick baby.

However there were lines in OPs original post giving a sense that others should think of her because it is a specific time in your life when you have a young baby and others should know and be particularly careful. I was trying to say, rather clumsily, that many people are in similar positions with children and don't see this as a special season. So expecting them to take the extra care might not be as reasonable as it at first appears.

It is very bad luck and horrible that OP's baby has to go to hospital, again this is something that happens a lot with little ones and respiratory illness, and is always very scary and upsetting, mostly fine but of course sometimes not fine at all. I'm so sorry your baby is so unwell OP, and that she got the cold from the toddler which escalated so badly. I can see why it seems so frustratingly unnecessary for it to have happened. Hope there are no lasting ill effects x

BalletBee · 29/12/2025 09:46

I do understand the point about once you’re past the baby stage you often just crack on with illness.

That said, I do think it’s always polite to give people a heads-up, baby or not.

A simple “We’re really looking forward to seeing you, but my child has a cold... would you rather reschedule?” is something we’ve both received and sent.

For me, it’s just good manners.

Sorry your friend was inconsiderate and you got poorly :(

Frogbear · 29/12/2025 09:35

Oh no! So sorry to hear that OP. How is she doing this morning?

Americano75 · 29/12/2025 09:18

Biscuit94 · 28/12/2025 22:20

So we've ended up in the hospital tonight as she is struggling with breathing/feeding. Thanks very much to all those who insisted I "get a grip" that is "just a cold" and given she is 5 months old it wouldn't be an issue 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Oh no, I hope things are better this morning?

Teenytwo · 29/12/2025 00:30

I would be really annoyed OP. I don’t want to catch the cold myself, especially just before Christmas. I hate it when I’m stuck around people full of cold because I struggle to fight it and it seems to set off my asthma, I have a baby too and I do anything to avoid them getting poorly because as much as I know it is inevitable they will catch things that doesn’t mean I want them catching every virus going. I always message first if I or my baby have something because I don’t want to thing someone’s bigger plans. I am more relaxed about spending time in public with someone ill than I am in my own house because it isn’t as confined and they aren’t coughing and sneezing on belongings that we touch repeatedly.

therealdeal9 · 29/12/2025 00:16

I hope she is better soon.

I remember taking toddler DC to emergency earlier in the year when her breathing became erratic. The doctors were wonderful and with some medication she was home within a few hours and fine the next day.

Charlottespider · 28/12/2025 23:52

Sorry @Biscuit94. Hope she gets the help she needs and is better soon.

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/12/2025 23:39

Biscuit94 · 28/12/2025 22:20

So we've ended up in the hospital tonight as she is struggling with breathing/feeding. Thanks very much to all those who insisted I "get a grip" that is "just a cold" and given she is 5 months old it wouldn't be an issue 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Oh love, so sorry. She’s in the best place X

Original poster

Biscuit94 · 28/12/2025 22:20

So we've ended up in the hospital tonight as she is struggling with breathing/feeding. Thanks very much to all those who insisted I "get a grip" that is "just a cold" and given she is 5 months old it wouldn't be an issue 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:

Charlottespider · 28/12/2025 22:01

Also, some people seem to brush everything off as a cold. If you have cold symptoms right now, it is much more likely that it’s NOT the common cold.

TJk86 · 28/12/2025 20:16

Charlottespider · 28/12/2025 19:04

I don’t think it’s so much of an ‘if my kid has to be ill all the time, why shouldn’t yours’, but more a ‘that’s the way it has to be’ (even though it isn’t). We tolerate (or have to tolerate) things in schools that many other countries don’t e.g. hfm or still don’t include chickenpox in routine vaccinations, years behind other countries. We tell people to wash their hands and ignore things like ventilation and air filters or staying at home when knowingly contagious. People say things like ‘I’d never go out if I had to wait for toddler to not have a virus’ - really? Is that hyperbolic or is your toddler really ill that much and how is an ill toddler mixing with other ill toddlers going to be helpful to them? There’s the ‘you could get ill anywhere’ as though there’s no difference between accidentally walking through dog poo and someone deliberately trampling it through your home. There’s ’some things are contagious before symptoms show’ as though there’s no point unless you can totally eradicate all risk. Some people act as though others are saying they never expect any illness, rather than others saying they don’t want others illnesses forced upon them. There are places that do force illnesses on people - schools for example (I personally think that’s wrong, especially with more serious viruses that regularly harm children). Just because that approach is adopted in some schools and some workplaces (whether you agree with it or not), doesn’t mean you should force your illness on someone in their own home.

There’s a woman near me who runs small tutoring groups. She has a lung condition. She offered an online alternative if anyone had respiratory symptoms on the day. She’s changed to completely online only as it was too much of a risk to her health and income as people were still turning up ill.

100%! Good summary of the usual phrases those sort of parents use as well!

Original poster

Biscuit94 · 28/12/2025 20:02

Charlottespider · 28/12/2025 19:04

I don’t think it’s so much of an ‘if my kid has to be ill all the time, why shouldn’t yours’, but more a ‘that’s the way it has to be’ (even though it isn’t). We tolerate (or have to tolerate) things in schools that many other countries don’t e.g. hfm or still don’t include chickenpox in routine vaccinations, years behind other countries. We tell people to wash their hands and ignore things like ventilation and air filters or staying at home when knowingly contagious. People say things like ‘I’d never go out if I had to wait for toddler to not have a virus’ - really? Is that hyperbolic or is your toddler really ill that much and how is an ill toddler mixing with other ill toddlers going to be helpful to them? There’s the ‘you could get ill anywhere’ as though there’s no difference between accidentally walking through dog poo and someone deliberately trampling it through your home. There’s ’some things are contagious before symptoms show’ as though there’s no point unless you can totally eradicate all risk. Some people act as though others are saying they never expect any illness, rather than others saying they don’t want others illnesses forced upon them. There are places that do force illnesses on people - schools for example (I personally think that’s wrong, especially with more serious viruses that regularly harm children). Just because that approach is adopted in some schools and some workplaces (whether you agree with it or not), doesn’t mean you should force your illness on someone in their own home.

There’s a woman near me who runs small tutoring groups. She has a lung condition. She offered an online alternative if anyone had respiratory symptoms on the day. She’s changed to completely online only as it was too much of a risk to her health and income as people were still turning up ill.

This is really nice true and you explain it so well. I feel like this thread has turned into black and white i.e they're going to get ill stop being so ridiculous trying to prevent it take absolutely no measures or you're being precious !! 🥴🥴

OP posts:

Lottie6712 · 28/12/2025 19:57

Biscuit94 · 26/12/2025 23:27

I'm actually a bit surprised by the amount of people who think IBU by wanting a heads up before a sick child turns up at my house when I have a baby? I did ask the question though and I guess people seem to think it is acceptable, so I know I'm going to have to have clear boundaries in future 🤷🏼‍♀️. For me it was an obvious no and not something I would ever do!

Show quote history

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I think it is surprisingly easy to forget to mention in advance as (unless they're really, really ill), you're just ploughing on with life as normal. I have one at school and one at nursery and the colds are relentless. I have sometimes just remembered before I'm about to leave and mentioned it to the person I'm visiting, but I think it was rude of her not to double check it was ok to come in with ill toddler if it hadn't occurred to her till that point to mention!

Charlottespider · 28/12/2025 19:04

I don’t think it’s so much of an ‘if my kid has to be ill all the time, why shouldn’t yours’, but more a ‘that’s the way it has to be’ (even though it isn’t). We tolerate (or have to tolerate) things in schools that many other countries don’t e.g. hfm or still don’t include chickenpox in routine vaccinations, years behind other countries. We tell people to wash their hands and ignore things like ventilation and air filters or staying at home when knowingly contagious. People say things like ‘I’d never go out if I had to wait for toddler to not have a virus’ - really? Is that hyperbolic or is your toddler really ill that much and how is an ill toddler mixing with other ill toddlers going to be helpful to them? There’s the ‘you could get ill anywhere’ as though there’s no difference between accidentally walking through dog poo and someone deliberately trampling it through your home. There’s ’some things are contagious before symptoms show’ as though there’s no point unless you can totally eradicate all risk. Some people act as though others are saying they never expect any illness, rather than others saying they don’t want others illnesses forced upon them. There are places that do force illnesses on people - schools for example (I personally think that’s wrong, especially with more serious viruses that regularly harm children). Just because that approach is adopted in some schools and some workplaces (whether you agree with it or not), doesn’t mean you should force your illness on someone in their own home.

There’s a woman near me who runs small tutoring groups. She has a lung condition. She offered an online alternative if anyone had respiratory symptoms on the day. She’s changed to completely online only as it was too much of a risk to her health and income as people were still turning up ill.

tonightceilaimgoingtobe · 28/12/2025 18:08

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 28/12/2025 17:33

Yes, I've definitely had some weird reaction, even when I've done something as basic as keep my toddler off his classes because he's got a bit of a cold and want him well for a busy week ahead.

But it also shows up in selfish behaviour of people who have nothing to worry about with work.

He had a virus the other week, and was still low at the weekend. MIL wanted to take him out, and even though he fell asleep at 10.30am, she was stridently announcing that it would all be fine, she had the pram.

You wouldn't make a knackered adult leave the house (although I guess some people would tbf).

Show quote history

If I can sleep in a pram and not have to walk I would go to work

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 28/12/2025 17:33

ThreeSixtyTwo · 28/12/2025 12:47

England parents have a kind of Stockholm syndrome when it comes to germs and illnesses.

The practical necessity to use childcare and overzealous pressure for school attendance mean that someone ill being at school/nursery is a norm, not an exception. Which leads to people getting used to it and fabricating positive relationships to the germs, to allow themselves to forget about how bad idea it really is.
And anyone questioning it is effectively questioning their own parenting, so it is important to immediately shut them down with a few phrases.

Even if you will join this later, it still doesn't excuse bringing ill children to visit a baby.

Yes, I've definitely had some weird reaction, even when I've done something as basic as keep my toddler off his classes because he's got a bit of a cold and want him well for a busy week ahead.

But it also shows up in selfish behaviour of people who have nothing to worry about with work.

He had a virus the other week, and was still low at the weekend. MIL wanted to take him out, and even though he fell asleep at 10.30am, she was stridently announcing that it would all be fine, she had the pram.

You wouldn't make a knackered adult leave the house (although I guess some people would tbf).

Original poster

Biscuit94 · 28/12/2025 17:12

ThreeSixtyTwo · 28/12/2025 16:30

In the end, it's logical. Ability to protect (meaning decrease the risks) yourself and your family from germs and illnesses is a form of luxury. It is available for a small family of stay at home parent and preschool children when the other parent works from flexible location (home-office), for some professions, for some pensioners, for people who have time and money to actively make health conscious and even shielding choices. Everyone else is more or less doomed.

If you have to put children to a nursery, even if you can afford to keep your child away when ill or during recovery, you kind of lost this game, because others can't or won't do the same, and the very young children don't really develop that much of the immunity, so will catch things over and over.

Some kind of private mini setting/specialiaed childminder might work better, but it would require very clear rules, and only children from families which can keep them home to be allowed to attend this group.

Some people are just angry that you want to protect your child when they couldn't protect their's - take those whose older child put the younger to the hospitals and they had to shrug and accept it as "life", they are effectively voicing that your 5months old isn't more precious than their's.

Still, it is selfish to ignore the fact, that you are in the position to lower the risks for your child now and take the choice from you. But maybe it isn't just a thoughless selfishness, maybe it is active avoidance of thinking about the risks as risks.
It's sad to think about baby's health as luxurious item, but it would explain why parents trying to prevent illness by not meeting openly ill children or keep their child a day or two from school to shield them before holiday get so much hate here.

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I think you're bang on and you've really nailed how I thought about the comment from the mum whose newborn ended up in hospital! Many people aren't reacting to this rationally, my baby getting ill and me wanting to reduce risk is so emotionally loaded for others and they're trying to transpose it onto their own lives and things that have been unavoidable for them that they therefore think should be unavoidable for all.

OP posts:

TJk86 · 28/12/2025 16:43

ThreeSixtyTwo · 28/12/2025 16:30

In the end, it's logical. Ability to protect (meaning decrease the risks) yourself and your family from germs and illnesses is a form of luxury. It is available for a small family of stay at home parent and preschool children when the other parent works from flexible location (home-office), for some professions, for some pensioners, for people who have time and money to actively make health conscious and even shielding choices. Everyone else is more or less doomed.

If you have to put children to a nursery, even if you can afford to keep your child away when ill or during recovery, you kind of lost this game, because others can't or won't do the same, and the very young children don't really develop that much of the immunity, so will catch things over and over.

Some kind of private mini setting/specialiaed childminder might work better, but it would require very clear rules, and only children from families which can keep them home to be allowed to attend this group.

Some people are just angry that you want to protect your child when they couldn't protect their's - take those whose older child put the younger to the hospitals and they had to shrug and accept it as "life", they are effectively voicing that your 5months old isn't more precious than their's.

Still, it is selfish to ignore the fact, that you are in the position to lower the risks for your child now and take the choice from you. But maybe it isn't just a thoughless selfishness, maybe it is active avoidance of thinking about the risks as risks.
It's sad to think about baby's health as luxurious item, but it would explain why parents trying to prevent illness by not meeting openly ill children or keep their child a day or two from school to shield them before holiday get so much hate here.

Show quote history

I’ve not thought about it like that but it makes sense. People thinking if I can’t keep my child healthy I want yours to be constantly ill too. And I’ll tell myself it’s good for them while I’m at it.