To find it unbearable how my parents are aging

I SO don't want to be like that but can see how it happens. My energy levels took a nose dive when I turned sxty, and my desire to be involved in the world really dropped. I'm early sixties and DH is mid sixties.

We still do fun things - travel, sign up for workshops to learn new skills, still work PT - and I love my job. We make an effort ot go to theatre shows, exhibitions, listen to new music. But day to day our lives have shrunk and I feel dull: I have nothing to say because nothing much happens, very little energy to do new things week in week out. I feel like I should join committees and help out in the community more but I did so much of that when DC were small and it was thankless. Not sure I can face going back to that role.

We are mid 60s but still pretty active with travelling, spending time with family and GC and hobbies and interests. Some of our friends lead smaller lives and they tend to be a bit negative and rant about stuff they see on the news (mostly not fact checked) . I think it is because they have nothing left to talk about which is sad. I don’t blame you for zoning out or getting annoyed. Would it work if you encouraged them to join new groups like U3a or take up a new hobby?

I don’t think it is an age thing. My mum is 90 and is not like that. Mind you she is less mobile than she used to be but still loves going out and about so we plan trips to take her on so she has things to look forward to.

Try reading Gransnet and it will give you a sense of what we become as we age.

@Papersnowflakes I don't think people have missed it, I mentioned it

As I said, my parents carried on with what they could.

Unless OP gives more info, it's impossible to know how big a factor that is. I've had a chunk of life affected by physical health challenges and an even bigger chunk by mental health challenges. But still, a lot of of this is about what kind of person you are in the first place.

Some people don't take an interest in things generally. So it's hard to know what's happening here, but if they were those sorts of people in the first place, then it's very different.

so it's the same as what you said, it depends what the health challenges are, but if they were major, I'm thinking OP would've said.

People seem to have missed the mention of physical health challenges

In my head I still want to do adrenaline sports and go out partying. My body has other ideas and I can only manage short walks and a day out is rarely possible as even the car journey tires me.

Depending what their physical challenges are it may be quite unfair to criticise them for how they are living their lives now

My parents don’t drink but have become like this in their mid sixties, they can’t do this or that because their words “we’re so old” it’s bizarre. Even hosting Christmas Day for 2 people is too much for them. It’s definitely since they’ve retired it’s got worse too. They don’t really have any hobbies and are so lazy. They don’t have friends either so it’s just the pair of them watching tv or playing on their phones!

Same - my mum is early 80’s and has only started to become like this in the last few years.

60’s is very young to be like this OP.

I think this can happen when people retire, sadly. Not to everyone, of course, but to enough people for me to have noticed it. People's world shrinks quite suddenly and they seem to age fast. Quite ordinary things seem suddenly overwhelming, or they become anxious and irritable beyond all proportion at quite minor issues.

I'm not really sure what you can do about it. Have they had general physical health checks? because things like high blood pressure can cause anxiety and irritability. Otherwise, you could try naming behaviours as you are them eg "you've talked about this four times now, is there something more to this story than you're telling me?"

Not normal at all. Many mid to late 60s are working full time and living busy , useful lives. Even those who were lucky enough to retire early are travelling and volunteering in the community. My own mother was so busy until her late 80s it was hard to find time to see her.

Our parents are 60s, what I struggle with (and I’m not sure if they’ve always done this or it’s just I’m noticing more?) is conversation being centred around people we don’t know. We will go to MIL’s and I’m not exaggerating she will not ask us a single question (I know this is her personality) but she will spend hours, literally hours, talking about people we don’t know. My Mum is much more inquisitive and will ask questions, but she also talks about her colleagues in great detail (honestly I know every last sordid detail at this point) and I just want to scream I DONT CARE, but I’m not a bitch so I don’t!

It sounds odd. Most people their age are still working at least part time if not full time.

Oh, I am the same age as your parents and this isn't me at all! And neither does it describe those around me of a similar age.

I think it could relate to the alcohol.

I don't know what you can do for them, other than encouraging them to get off the settee and do something - but you are probably flogging a dead horse.

With regards to how you can deal with it personally - face it, accept it, learn from it and make a vow with yourself not to let this happen to you.

Agree. I would say that my parents began to be ‘old’, in the worrying sense you describe, in their 80s - though even now (late 80s and increasingly frail) they have relatively busy lives and are interested in the world around them.

Crikey @SunflowerSpirit DH and I are mid 60s. DH still working a professional and very senior job full-time. I am similar but have reduced to three days pw, largely to visit my mum who's 89 more. Whilst she's becoming frail, she's still socialising and playing bridge.

Most of our friends are mid 60s and they are either working, doing non-exec roles and holidaying.

I suspect the drinking may be more of an issue than you imagine. Have they fully disclosed their health conditions and are they receiving optimal treatment. 65 is really not old.

We had my parents and in laws over at various points the last 2 days. All in 70s. The contrast was clear, my parents both active, even through health conditions, living life, travelling, positive, go out, do hobbies etc etc. My in laws (not a couple anymore but both very similar) acted very old, nothing to talk about, hardly ever go anywhere for weeks on end, got my husband to park both their cars. Both sets very similar in finances and health so it has made me grateful and sad, and also a bit frustrated that my in laws don't seem that interested in anything other than being old.

It is just down to their personalities and health am afraid, rather than just age.

Sounds like their health issues have made them more comfortable to stay at home and their world is getting smaller. Then the moaning coming because they've little else to do.

Any chance you can take them out to the theatre, a pub lunch? Anything to try and get them up and about again?

This is awful for you, and I'm afraid sounds like the beginning of a cognitive decline. I'm a similar age and starting to repeat myself a lot which really worries me, and I have to take a breath before responding irritably when something doesn't immediately make sense. At least I notice the changes; and also that I'm forgetting much more than I used to. But I am still interested in other people and world events and would not mock anyone! That's grim.
Even if it is a bit of a cognitive decline there are lots of things they can do to help, if they are willing. Getting out in the fresh air, getting hearing aids if they need them, joining a choir or a playreading group, for example. Cutting right back on alcohol would help a lot, and drinking more water.
You may need to reduce the amount of time you spend with them if it's getting you down too much, but I'm sure that that seeing you regularly is helping them in lots of ways, even if they don't consciously appreciate it. But you have to look after yourself as well.

I think part of it is conditioning. I'm 57 when I was 10 being 70 was considered a ripe old age...3 score and 10... remember the pension age was set at 65 because you were basically knackered then and had a life expectancy of 72.

So are they basically talking themselves into old age "oh I can use a mobile phone at my age".

Or is it they don't work, never developed outside interests

Or an extension of them being miserable people who are suited to one another and it's only really becoming apparent now.

With the first two encourage them to get out. Health walks, university of the third age (could they lecture), playing bowls, bird watching, if they drink get them trying to bag every spoons... anything to break the rut.

With the third I think you need to be honest and say that they are becoming dull, repetitive and need to broaden their world.

My mum is in her early nineties and see seems to be really embracing life right now. I bought her some Vitamin D tablets this Autumn as she & I both suffer from SAD, and it may be purely coincidence but she is actually quite good fun to be around right now. Still lives on her own (does require some support with appointments and finances from me & my siblings) but I’ve seen a marked increase in her positivity.
I’m in my mid sixties and still live life to the full when I want to (but also turn down things I do t want to do without guilt generally) and truly don’t think 60s is old.

If they had you when they were teens the age gap now must feel alarming.
I remember when my mum was in her last months aged 82. She had me at 24 and I felt that my turn was only just around the corner.

Or is this part of the transition when parents age?
No it isn't. My mother raged against old age stopping her from doing all the things she wanted to do. She was only forced to give up her busy (busier than me) social life when her health prevented her going out.

You’ve described my mother to a tee but she’s 81 .

I don't think it's the norm for mid 60s. I think it could be the booze that has aged their brains. Not much you can do about that though. I'm sorry.

It's rather weird especially as nowadays with state pension age being late 60s they'd be expected to still be working! Could they function working?

No advice. Just to say it's very similar with my parents and I feel the same... I just hope I'm not in my parents' circumstance at their age.

That doesn’t sound right to me. My older relatives have tended to stay the same up to mid eighties.