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AIBU?

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Original poster

To find it unbearable how my parents are aging

106 replies

SunflowerSpirit · 26/12/2025 21:19

My parents are still relatively young (mid-sixties) but due to a combination of mental and physical health challenges they have both aged a huge amount in the last couple of years. Not helped by drinking (not to a crazy amount, but enough for them to not be very present in the room / behave out of character at times).

I find they become irritated by the most minor things and fixate on really small ‘issues’ or people / things they don’t like, wanting to rant and discuss them all the time. The repetitive conversation drives me mad. Especially when they ask me the same questions over and over again, without processing the answer and sometimes trying to provoke me into saying something different. They don’t seem to have the energy to do anything other than watch TV or the odd morning out and it makes me so sad that their world seems to be getting smaller and smaller. They don’t take an interest in things that they’re not interested in and judge / criticise so much more than they ever did. I feel like I can’t talk about my life as they either mock it or stop listening entirely, launching into their own story / rant.

I find it really unbearable to be around, to the point I almost zone out in their company (and then feel really guilty afterwards). The past couple of days I’ve felt so down and sad, almost grieving who they were before and what life was like before. I often struggle to know what to do - address some of it with them, to try and help them / find help? My default seems to be to park it to the back of my mind and I worry this isn’t good. Sometimes if feels so painful I just can’t engage. But is that me just avoiding the issue? Or is this part of the transition when parents age? My friends don’t seem to be going through the same so it can feel so lonely.

OP posts:
wheresmymojo · 27/12/2025 02:20

It’s odd to me - my PILs are 76 & 82 and still travel about four or five times a year including some quite far flung places. His DM was still working 3 days a week as a private physio until she was 70.

My own parents are 64 (Mum) & 74 (Stepfather). My Stepfather still works as a Managing Director with no signs of retiring any time soon. My DM took early retirement at 57 but has a more active social life than me and says she doesn’t know how she fitted working in.

Daygloboo · 27/12/2025 01:06

SunflowerSpirit · 26/12/2025 21:19

My parents are still relatively young (mid-sixties) but due to a combination of mental and physical health challenges they have both aged a huge amount in the last couple of years. Not helped by drinking (not to a crazy amount, but enough for them to not be very present in the room / behave out of character at times).

I find they become irritated by the most minor things and fixate on really small ‘issues’ or people / things they don’t like, wanting to rant and discuss them all the time. The repetitive conversation drives me mad. Especially when they ask me the same questions over and over again, without processing the answer and sometimes trying to provoke me into saying something different. They don’t seem to have the energy to do anything other than watch TV or the odd morning out and it makes me so sad that their world seems to be getting smaller and smaller. They don’t take an interest in things that they’re not interested in and judge / criticise so much more than they ever did. I feel like I can’t talk about my life as they either mock it or stop listening entirely, launching into their own story / rant.

I find it really unbearable to be around, to the point I almost zone out in their company (and then feel really guilty afterwards). The past couple of days I’ve felt so down and sad, almost grieving who they were before and what life was like before. I often struggle to know what to do - address some of it with them, to try and help them / find help? My default seems to be to park it to the back of my mind and I worry this isn’t good. Sometimes if feels so painful I just can’t engage. But is that me just avoiding the issue? Or is this part of the transition when parents age? My friends don’t seem to be going through the same so it can feel so lonely.

See if you can get some help for them. They dont sound well. Maybe you need to sit down and have a serious chat with them. But do be sympathetic. Illness is not fun. Do you have siblings who could help. There are professionsl networks that can help. Better to sort it out now rather than let it escalate and then just pull the plug on them. Try to chat with people at some of the care networks and disability networks ....Age UK etc.

Charlize43 · 27/12/2025 00:43

Not all old people are the same. Some have lower energy levels because they have become accustomed to doing very little. Some seem quite content just sitting in front of the TV all day (like the unemployed and work shy) which would drive me crazy.

I know lots of people in their 60 - 80s who are still very active, travel extensively, go out and do things. Eventbrite is full of free stuff and if you live in a vibrant city like London there is always loads going on, so you don't necessarily need vast amounts of money, and with a freedom pass, or a 60+ Oyster travel is free.

Ultimately it is sad, and I feel for you, but it is the life they've chosen for themselves: Maybe sedentary is what they enjoy...

Sonolanona · 27/12/2025 00:25

It doesn't sound normal to me, but perhaps alcohol and retirement is the key.

My DH is mid 60s, still working a 60 hour week, coaches kayaking at the weekends and just built me some amazing netted frames for my allotment,
I'm a couple of years younger, work part time, look after a 4 yr old and baby two days a week and play squash 3 times a week.. took that up in April! Also have an allotment and a dog and spend half my life in my wellies!

I'm no superwoman and do get tired a bit quicker, but decided to take ownership of my own health issues... HRT, Testosterone, Vit D and B12 and I'm NOT going to get old any time soon!

My Mum is 79 , retired at 55 and retirement has definitely made her OLD. Health issues, her bowels and complaining are her main themes, and she refuses to do anything that makes her life less boring. It's all mindset. Yes she has health problems now but she seems to have decided to not want to know anything, not want to DO anything. Drives me nuts!

Manyredpoppies · 27/12/2025 00:10

I could have written this op. I'm sorry about that. Have to endure this every time I meet my parents who are in their 70s but their decline started as soon as they retired (and both retired early). They lack interest in the world, other people including me or grandchildren. They are not interested in anything at all. They are constantly irritated for small things. They only talk about themselves. Their world is so so small....and it's really unpleasant to meet people like this. They are not going to change, and the sooner to accept it the better. You need to mind yourself OP xx

Ebok1990 · 26/12/2025 23:51

They show no interest in things they're not interested in? Well, er, sounds reasonable to me.

MangerThings · 26/12/2025 23:46

What was it like growing up with yr parents, Op? Tell us about that ❤️.

teachermum23 · 26/12/2025 23:42

You could be me talking about my
own parents - similar age. It’s hard and painful! It spills over into their grandparenting. I try to appreciate the good times we have together whilst creating opportunities for doing nice things with them such as tickets for a birthday gift so we have a shared experience to talk about. Sending love!

MangerThings · 26/12/2025 23:39

Like some other posters have said, I think the drinking could well be the issue here.

That will tend to make you impassive, antisocial, argumentative, judgemental and selfish.

If you’ve clocked they drink a fair bit, I’d put really good money on you not seeing the half of it. There will be more.
The drinking will be covering up for some existential issue: it invariably is.

Mid-60s is very young, they shouldn’t be languishing at that age and it is concerning for the future if they are.

On the other hand … this is not your circus and not your monkeys. Not your job to fix everything.

FableLies · 26/12/2025 23:37

Do they work? My DM and wonderful DSF don't. Mid 70s. I cried when they went home this week because I found it incredibly hard. My DSF was fine, but my mother? Hard to describe. She didn't feel old, just very immature, and saturated by Daily Fail rhetoric. It was strange. My DF still works and is 80 soon. Walks 5 miles a day. A feminist. Sparky. I'm convinced you cannot let your world grow smaller.

PangolinPan · 26/12/2025 23:37

It's something DP and I notice sharply as the contrast between his dad and mine is stark. They are the same age, 81, but his dad is very "old", has poorly managed diabetes, doesn't really do anything outside the home and although quite happy with it, it's a very unstimulating life.

My dad, in contrast, is very active and fit, helps a lot with his grandchildren and nieces, gardening, babysitting, going on holiday, enjoying sport etc. I think keeping moving and engaged with th "outside" world helps keeps you going, even if it's just the cinema once a week to see what people are watching!

In writing this, I'm realising I'm much more like my father in law than my dad so will have to put some energy into making energy once I'm a bit older!

rafeal · 26/12/2025 23:34

Thinking of my own parents and their friends, this seems very early. Sounds more like mid 70s onwards and then not inevitable. PIL are early 80s and didn’t join us for Christmas this year as they are travelling overseas.

SouthernNights59 · 26/12/2025 23:32

GoldMerchant · 26/12/2025 22:11

I think this can happen when people retire, sadly. Not to everyone, of course, but to enough people for me to have noticed it. People's world shrinks quite suddenly and they seem to age fast. Quite ordinary things seem suddenly overwhelming, or they become anxious and irritable beyond all proportion at quite minor issues.

I'm not really sure what you can do about it. Have they had general physical health checks? because things like high blood pressure can cause anxiety and irritability. Otherwise, you could try naming behaviours as you are them eg "you've talked about this four times now, is there something more to this story than you're telling me?"

I disagree. Most people I know who are retired are more busy than they were when they worked. I've been retired for two years and am the exception, I'm not busy at all. However I am nothing like OP's parents, I'm out and about every day and have various interests, and in my head I'm barely out of my teens Grin

My DF had a busier social calendar than me right up until his death at 89, and my DM was also busy and doing things until her mid-80s. I actually don't know any retired people whose world has shrunk, quite the opposite in fact as now they have time to do the things they want to do.

Wordsmithery · 26/12/2025 23:31

I can see why you're frustrated. I think this is unusual for people in their mid sixties. I'm 60 and will be working till 67, like many. When I retire I fully intend to do all the things I don't have time for now (piano, art, reading, swimming). These should be their golden years before decline really starts. I don't know what you can do about it though. Alcohol in excess will not help their cognitive abilities but any change in lifestyle really has to come from them not you.

otherthoughtssareavailable · 26/12/2025 23:28

I don’t think it is an age thing per se, but more about what you have going on in your life. My DH is 66 and works part-time (forced semi-redundancy - he’d still be FT if his sector wasn’t in financial crisis) in a highly skilled job and is still very engaged, especially with our teenage children. However, I noticed with my own parents that it seemed to be more about having things to keep you engaged and your world ‘open’. My mum stayed active and worked (either paid or volunteering) until weeks before her death in her late 80s when it was physical health that took her before her time, my dad retired early in his 50s and his world got smaller and smaller very quickly.

Papersnowflakes · 26/12/2025 23:26

EmeraldRoulette · 26/12/2025 22:48

@Papersnowflakes I don't think people have missed it, I mentioned it

As I said, my parents carried on with what they could.

Unless OP gives more info, it's impossible to know how big a factor that is. I've had a chunk of life affected by physical health challenges and an even bigger chunk by mental health challenges. But still, a lot of of this is about what kind of person you are in the first place.

Some people don't take an interest in things generally. So it's hard to know what's happening here, but if they were those sorts of people in the first place, then it's very different.

so it's the same as what you said, it depends what the health challenges are, but if they were major, I'm thinking OP would've said.

Edited

But, for instance, I am a very driven active person and I have had to learn not to be as it is so harmful to my health. It's depressing seeing so many people imply resting is a moral failing or weakness when it can take great strength

Greyrock2828 · 26/12/2025 23:26

Also the not being able to understand how to use the tv remote, mobile phone, etc.....all drives me nuts and serves as a reminder of how I dont want to be when I'm older. Very important to prioritise your health, mentally and physically and always keep learning, trying new things.
She doesn't like doing anything out of her comfort zone anymore and seems to be fearful of the unknown. Never used to be like this but has been for a while.

Greyrock2828 · 26/12/2025 23:24

I can empathise with you OP. My dad is totally fine, very active and positive for an 82 year old, easy going, tries to stay healthy and was going to the gym regularly until recently
My 75 yo mum on the other hand can be insufferable. She is very overweight, has a poor diet, no interest in improving her health, struggles with mobility due to poor fitness and COPD and therefore doesn't want to leave the house unless we drive somewhere- can't walk anywhere and therefore expects everyone to do the same/what she wants. She is so negative, critical and pessimistic it's actually very draining spending lots of time together. I try to let it go over my head and sometimes I hold my ground and say look we are doing x you can come or stay at home. If I go for a run, do any exercise or anything she wouldn't do im usually met with "what you doing that for you must be mad"........

Crispynoodle · 26/12/2025 23:19

Context: am reading the op after an argument with my adult DD
but maybe they are perfectly happy with their world getting smaller! DH and I no longer want to travel, work go to concerts etc. we’re perfectly happy with our own company in our own house and I for one am sick of my adult children making plans for me! (Thanks I needed that rant!)

Thortour · 26/12/2025 23:14

Mid sixties my parents were still working in quite tricky jobs. They both retired at 67 and I really think my dad slowed down when he was 85 and that was because of ill health. My
mum has really only started to slow down recently and she is 90.
OP I hope they get a new lease of life.

HopSpringsEternal · 26/12/2025 23:12

It must be really frustrating. Im jn my 50s and my parents are 79 and 82, they are very active, travel, go sailing (on a little sailing boat not a fancy one on the river), cycle, walk, go out to pubs, do the quiz, go to the cinema, and walk a neighbours dog. They are fit through gardening and exercise, eating not loads of shit. They havent gone down a daily mail/reform/angry route (like my hard to be around PILs). Instead they are positive in their out look, and take things on the chin,
they do things like volunteer locally and are fun to be around.
They have had lots of shit over the years (murder of a parent, death of a young sibling, poverty, mental health shite, political issues etc) however they always look to the good.

Olderbutt · 26/12/2025 23:09

Oh gosh, this is awful! I'm 68 , my hubby is 79 and our lives have become a lot richer and more varied since we retired.
We're hardly home but need to be, because of lots of sorting out to do. However, we're making the most of the time we have together, the house can wait. Im not sure if it's down to what your older relatives were like at that age or not, but it can't be totally governed by that as my Dad died at 60 and my Mum at 70. My grandparents worked into their retirement as did my hubby, albeit not full time.
We've always been 'doers' though, getting actively involved in so many things. I think you can talk yourself into being old if you don't keep your mind alert and exercised. We have some amazing conversations with our kids, other relatives and friends.

I just wish I could be as physically active as I am in other ways but Im physically disabled. I do push myself to keep going physically though, as the alternative is a horrid thought. So, in short I suppose Im saying that you have got to want to keep interested and active.

23doorsdown · 26/12/2025 23:08

Minty25 · 26/12/2025 22:09

It sounds odd. Most people their age are still working at least part time if not full time.

I don’t think the majority of people in their mid 60s are working & definitely not full time.

MNs is a bit weird when it comes to ageing eg people saying 65 isn’t old, it is…

Some people do get very anxious as they age & their world shrinks. It doesn’t just happen to people in their 90s….

User0311 · 26/12/2025 23:03

Very similar here! My parents are early 60s and unbearable at times! No advise but you are not alone

Jugendstiel · 26/12/2025 23:02

Smithstreet · 26/12/2025 22:00

We had my parents and in laws over at various points the last 2 days. All in 70s. The contrast was clear, my parents both active, even through health conditions, living life, travelling, positive, go out, do hobbies etc etc. My in laws (not a couple anymore but both very similar) acted very old, nothing to talk about, hardly ever go anywhere for weeks on end, got my husband to park both their cars. Both sets very similar in finances and health so it has made me grateful and sad, and also a bit frustrated that my in laws don't seem that interested in anything other than being old.

What hobbies do they have?