To find it unbearable how my parents are aging

@Ponoka7 yes to a certain extent farming is healthier than other manual work, but this is not a competition. Many farmers have had double hip replacements by their mid sixties, a lot dealt with dangerous chemicals and it is one of the most dangerous professiona for depression and suicide.

As you say it is often mindset as well as health.

How much do they drink OP?

I don't think this is universal

My parents are in their 70s (73 & 78). Mother volunteers regularly with two local charities, has a thriving social life with a group of former colleagues who are all retired now. My father goes walking with friends, goes to football matches. They both do various exercise groups and enjoy going to theatre/art/music.

They travel both in the UK and abroad, visiting friends and family, are very active with their grandchildren.

They do have health concerns and have become more cautious about some activities. The more exotic holidays have been pared back in favour of shorter breaks.

Their friends all seem similar to them

@Ginmonkeyagain did you miss the part were the OP said her parents had mental and physical health issues? Your grandad was obviously very healthy into old age. We know that your grandad's lifestyle is the best for health. I live in an ex mining area and although it was physical work, it destroyed the bodies of the men doing it. The lack of clean air in city living and the damp conditions of the two-up- two- downs etc housing also took it's toll. Environmental and income/access to good food makes a difference.

I have a friend who is going down the route the OP describes. We've just had a fall out because, in trying to help, she's saying I'm interfering. So I'll be one less person regularly visiting. I have only seen her briefly over Christmas and it's been a relief. There's a few men in our peer group (58-66) who are becoming insufferable. This is in the local pubs and they are still working, so I think it's mindset, not just situational. However the 'older people need to completely stop drinking' etc can do one, we aren't less capable of making decisions for ourselves. Looking at the younger people around me, I wouldn't be telling them what they should be doing. So don't teach your grandmother to suck eggs.

Are they not working as state pension wouldn’t start until 65-67?

I'm 67 and DH is 76.
We're both retired from professional jobs, in fact I can only think of one person I know who is my age and still working.
Health is crucial. DH is as fit as a flea, walks and goes to the gym daily and has always had an active mind. He never socialises though, which I think is important and I try to keep involved in lots of things. He is witty and good company when adult DC visit but the signs of age are a dislike of any change in routine and tiring.

I've had several years of health problems which have limited me physically and mentally. I didn't realise quite how much the mental impact was until I recently started a new treatment that works. It wasn't just that the pain had gone, I felt more positive about life in general. I've always pushed myself to exercise and eat well but it was all such an effort, now it's a pleasure.

So if there's anything that can be done to improve health it's worth looking into.

I don’t think it’s normal but if they have physical and mental health challenges, it can be easy to get lost in those. Are they getting all the right treatment/care they need? They could possibly be stuck in a loop too. Don’t feel well, feel sad, drink to feel better, don’t feel well, feel sad etc.

Ultimately if this is their choice, this is their choice but you could encourage them to try some new things and break the cycle. When my parents started getting a little like this, we hired a holiday home and went away with everyone for a week. The break from home was great and got them out the house. My mum died a few years ago and my dad is significantly impacted by poor health now but even though he’s 80, mentally he’s always up for an adventure. For him, getting him on good anti depressants made a huge difference.

It’s hard seeing your parents change like that. My amazingly kind and generous Dad sometimes became quite self centred in his latter years. He would want all attention on him and if I tried to tell him what was going on in my life he’d say ‘Yes, yes dear’ like he wanted me to hurry up and finish. I felt very down about this change in him till my Auntie told me that he was always singing my praises …..he just never said anything to me. In fact he would’ve been mortified if he knew how he came across to others.
At the age of 58 I’ve seen a number of elderly relatives appear to become more negative and selfish. I could have theories about why but I’ll never know for sure. I’m just going to try and make a concerted effort not to fall into that kind of outlook when I (God willing) get there.

Oh and this university graduate has been working in some form or other since she was 15.

@JingleMyBellsChristmasSmells while a hard life can age you, a lot of that is nonsense. My grandad left school at 14 and worked hard as a tenant famer all his life. He lived until his mid 90s and until a stoke disabled him at 92, he was interested, active, healthy and engaged. He worked in to his early 70s, volunteered as a parish councillor, grew vegetables, looked after his grandchildren, walked miles each day with his little dogs.

My dad, 79, is similar and is only just beginning to slow down a bit now as he has arthritis in his hands.

I went to work full time at 16 (a full 10 years earlier than uni grads).

Where are you that it's common to graduate at age 26? Bit confused about this!

The problem with asking this question on mn is the demographic you will receive your answers from.

Most (obviously not all) of the answers you receive will come from middle class, educated people that didn't enter the workforce until their mid 20's at the earliest. Possibly with long breaks for child rearing in a lot of cases. Most (not all!) have spent a lifetime being financially comfortable, lived in properties that they could afford to heat appropriately and containing all modern amenities, eating well and going on regular holidays.

Of course this demographic expects to 'age well' and enjoy a decent quality of life until they start to decline slowly in their 80's!

My family would be very different. We started hard manual labour in childhood (family business) I went to work full time at 16 (a full 10 years earlier than uni grads). Money has always been a consideration (many years without holidays, not always the best quality foods) and it does age people much more quickly. My husband is 57 and has done manual work all of his life, he is exhausted and would retire tomorrow if he could! Of course PP parents working in a management role can carry on into their 70's, it is a different world.

OP's parents may be entirely middle class with all of the associated benefits that brings but I really want to point out that an awful lot of people don't live that lifestyle and many working class people will seemingly age much more quickly than their peers. Expecting to live a full and exciting life well into your 80's comes from privilege, I fully expect to be 'old' in my mid 60's.

I’m in my early 70s and notice my friends doing this. It amazes me.

My parents were like this when they got to their late 80's. I am early 60's and all of my friends and siblings (all older) still work and live 'full' lives. Did your parents retire quite young and do they live in a retirement hot-spot? This can affect your outlook on life.

My decline at 63, is Parkinson’s, lots seem more able than me, I got out have friends, and try not to be self centred.
Life is more challenging, due to physical problems with mobility

@User565635 sadly every drop of alcohol is damaging to us.

Yes, it's amazing the research that's come out in the last few years isn't it. It's been found that alcohol is tied to many more cancers than previously thought, and that much lower levels can affect the risk, especially for breast cancer. Basically, pretty low levels of drinking have been shown to be much more toxic than we knew.

It could be the start of dementia - the repeating themselves and asking the same things etc. And sometimes when they start acting reluctant to go out it's masking that they can't remember the way to where they're going or are getting scared of driving or think they won't be able to recognize people they know if they run into them and so on. They don't ask you stuff about yourself because they can't remember it. Not saying that's the case, but it could be - it can start at this sort of age. Even if it's not, some people do just get "old" a lot younger than others - and in couples one often follows the other. Sorry.

Eh? Your own parents are very much your circus and your monkeys!

I'm surprised you haven't said they are right wing which is the usual for on here when passing comments about older relatives

Do neither of them work, did they retire early

In my experience it's not really an age thing. Time just means you see the reality of who your parents are, when you're stable enough in yourself and your own life and no longer need rose tinted glasses about them.

My parents turned like this in their sixties. Mocking, judgemental, and also became WEIRDLY conservative once my sister had their first grandchild. They went form having really encouraged me to be ambitious to practically wanting me to be like something out of The Handmaid's Tale once I got married myself.

I think it must simply be an age thing. Some people remain with-it as they age, and some.....really don't. I don't have an answer for you, I'm afraid. Just wanted to say that I recognise this behaviour.

My DM became that way once she hit her 60s but that was due to health and financial issues that affected her badly, particularly mentally. Her mind used to go round and round in negative circles. It's really heart-breaking to see and awful to deal with.

In my own case, now nearing 70, I've been housebound for nearly 20 yrs (health-related) but I do think for me the pandemic provided a real boost to get back into real life, as weird as that sounds! I am far more involved in online communities doing moderation, I got back into my faith life, joined an online church, spend a lot more time doing mental activities and love learning, thankfully my mental health has really improved to allow this, and as a result I'm far less forgetful and take much more interest in life generally. I don't drink alcohol and never read newspapers so there's that, plus I've a younger partner.

I do think, OP, that alcohol plays a part, but with both parents being similar, they are pulling each other down. My DP would give me a virtual kick in the backside if I started being like that, and I'd do the same with him, but he's still working full time and travelling when needed so he is hopefully some way off. You do have to make the effort though, to keep yourself engaged in life and that takes determination.

This is not normal behaviour at all at that age. It sounds like they're depressed with no purpose in their lives. It's also terribly bad for older people to still be drinking alcohol, I'm early 40's and had to give it up once I got to this age as even one glass of wine would make me feel terrible the next day, sadly every drop of alcohol is damaging to us.
They need to be exercising daily, not eat processed food and have a purpose to their lives and obviously give up the booze.
People this age need to be doing everything they can to keep healthy and agile or life will get very hard.
It must be so hard to see their decline but unfortunately it's all self inflicted.