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Original poster

I can't cope with my mother

60 replies

tiredcat · 26/12/2025 19:21

This is my first time posting. I'm not a mum so I'm sorry for coming on here, but I'd really like to vent to someone. Nobody ever responds on Reddit and I can't talk to anybody in real life either.

I'm home for Christmas and I can't cope at all with my mother. She has been the same way all my life, but for some reason it's getting harder and harder to deal with her hysterics. I'm 25 now and my mother and I can hardly spend one day together without a screaming fight. I know this makes me sound really melodramatic but knowing I'm going to have to face this every time I come home honestly makes me feel like life's not worth living, and whenever I'm home I feel completely overwhelmed and fantasise about hurting myself just to escape, even though I'm not depressed.

This evening, she became really angry over the fact that my father had asked me to pick up some fresh thyme the last time I was in the supermarket, which was about a week ago. I didn't really think anything of it at the time. My mother said that she had planned all of the dinners that we would be eating as a family over the Christmas period and none of them included fresh thyme, and she was furious that my father was trying to interfere with her plans. She started a huge argument and spent probably over an hour ranting and shouting about thyme, dragging me into the conflict by asking me repeatedly why I had helped my father to undermine her and ignoring whatever I said to try to de-escalate the situation. Her ranting escalated and escalated until I got frustrated and told her that the thyme wasn't a big deal, and she completely lost it. She started screaming at the top of her lungs, calling me a demon and a c-word over and over again until I lost it too and screamed back, telling her I thought she was disgusting.

Then, she went to her bedroom and I followed her and told her to give the Christmas gift that I gave her yesterday back (I regret this now but I was lashing out because I was angry.) She threw it down the stairs and I left. For the past couple of hours she's been intermittently silent and screaming that I'm a demon. She's claiming to my father that I punched her and beat her up (I never touched her) and that she can't hear out of one of her ears. She's also calling me an evil witch and accusing me of taking part in seances when I was at university (I never did), calling me a fat b-word, a demonic little b-word, and threatening to call the police and report me for beating her.

Just now, I went outside without a coat or anything, just to escape her for a minute (her shouting is extremely loud), and she locked me out of the house, then stood in front of the glass door goading me while refusing to let me back inside. She opened the door for one of our cats and when I saw it was open I hurried towards her to try to get back inside because I was freezing and she shouted to the neighborhood at the top of her lungs that I had just assaulted her. I was nowhere near her, I couldn't possibly have touched her. She eventually let me inside the house again, pretending that she was too scared to come near me because I'm a dangerous demon.

I know the hysteria and name calling and false allegations are going to drag on for days because they always do; she has episodes like this all the time. I go through this every single time I come home but I feel like I'm reaching my limit now. My father says I shouldn't be so upset by her calling me a c-word and a demon because that's just the way she talks. It really upsets me, though, especially because she genuinely considers herself a devout catholic. Sorry for how long this post is, I just wanted to rant but I'm genuinely considering calling the police sometime soon and telling them everything. She has a long history of violence and when I was a child she used to throw me around quite a bit whenever she was angry but my father says it wasn't as big of a deal as I think. My brother gets really frustrated with me whenever I fight back, and he and my father both say I need to just shut up and deal with it quietly. They think I've completely overreacted tonight. AIBU to be totally unable to cope..?

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredcat · 27/12/2025 09:33

clickyteeclick · 27/12/2025 07:31

You are not being unreasonable. You are so young still and the positive of that is that you can try to fix the situation now so you don’t have an entire lifetime of this to put up with.
Firstly don’t worry about her telling your work or family etc and twisting it. You’ll be surprised how much people can see through people.
Secondly the situation with your hose mates doesn’t sound ideal but is fixable. It sounds like very common housemate quarrels. You could start by texting on of them and saying something along the lines of “look I’m sorry for my part in all this. It’s got out of hand and I’ll do my bit just want to smooth things over”. Or words to that effect. You don’t even need to mean you’re sorry but for the sake of a safe space of your own just put your pride to the side.
Thirdly set some boundaries. You don’t have to tell your family they could spend you set yourself or you could tell them “if it feels like an argument is going to arise going to have to leave”. “If you call me an insulting name again I’m going to leave”. Whatever you feel comfortable with.
And lastly please know it’s not you who is the problem. Your mother is. And your father for enabling it. Your brother has been conditioned. Your aunt has stepped away probably for her sanity too. You cannot choose your family.
There are lots of account on social media who discuss low contact/ no contact. Plenty of podcasts Mel Robbins etc. and as much as I dislike ChatGPT it has some solid advice with practical tips when it comes to this
You’ll be fine, your flat share will work out. Join some clubs, classes etx to make new connections xx

Thank you for all your advice. Setting boundaries is hard because she always claims that I start all the arguments and that she only ever calls me names in retaliation (this isn't true, I have zero desire to start fights with her just to make my own life horrible), so when I've tried to give her warnings she just laughs at me and there's nothing I can do. My father backs her up, too, and says I should be nicer to her, but I've never ever insulted her first. I've only ever talked back when she's pushed me to breaking point.

My brother thinks if I break contact with our parents I'll just be continuing the cycle of dysfunction and abuse in our family, and if I don't let my future children etc have contact with my parents I'm pretty sure he'll cut contact with me completely. I think if I were to go low contact/stop showing up I'd be ostracised completely and I'd have to spend the rest of my life without a family.

OP posts:
CrazyGoatLady · 27/12/2025 07:53

Oh sweetheart, you've been abused all your life by these people and you're scared to cut ties. That is really understandable, because abusers condition their victims to believe they can't manage without them and that they'd be all alone and it'd be worse for them if they leave.

If you can afford it, it might help you to get some therapy for yourself, or see if there's a local low cost charity, to help untangle these patterns and the impact on you and figure out what you want to do.

Daysgo · 27/12/2025 07:50

So sorry op for the way you're being treated by your mother especially, she's clearly v mentally unwell at best, but as you say very hard to deal with or get her help when she won't and sounds like your brother and dad will minimise everything for a "peaceful" life... as they have probably been doing all their lives...

I agree with poster above re maybe try to resolve flat share issues purely for your own peace, then look for somewhere else.

Wishing you a peaceful and a happier 2026.

Citrusbergamia · 27/12/2025 07:48

Jesus christ. I'd rather spend Xmas alone than with that woman. She clearly needs help and your DF and DB are enablers of her behaviour. What an awful, toxic environment. Just go home!

XWKD · 27/12/2025 07:42

I think you need to cut contact. You can't go on living like this. Your father sounds as bad in his own way.

InterestedDad37 · 27/12/2025 07:37

tiredcat · 26/12/2025 19:29

I don't have very many friends (and none who I could spend Christmas with) and my brother and I have never been allowed to have relationships with anyone else in our family so she's pretty much all I have

Show quote history

Get her out of your life. You don't have to put up with her unreasonable behaviour. Don't think you have to either tolerate her or try to fix her. Make your own life, and choose to leave her behind.

clickyteeclick · 27/12/2025 07:31

You are not being unreasonable. You are so young still and the positive of that is that you can try to fix the situation now so you don’t have an entire lifetime of this to put up with.
Firstly don’t worry about her telling your work or family etc and twisting it. You’ll be surprised how much people can see through people.
Secondly the situation with your hose mates doesn’t sound ideal but is fixable. It sounds like very common housemate quarrels. You could start by texting on of them and saying something along the lines of “look I’m sorry for my part in all this. It’s got out of hand and I’ll do my bit just want to smooth things over”. Or words to that effect. You don’t even need to mean you’re sorry but for the sake of a safe space of your own just put your pride to the side.
Thirdly set some boundaries. You don’t have to tell your family they could spend you set yourself or you could tell them “if it feels like an argument is going to arise going to have to leave”. “If you call me an insulting name again I’m going to leave”. Whatever you feel comfortable with.
And lastly please know it’s not you who is the problem. Your mother is. And your father for enabling it. Your brother has been conditioned. Your aunt has stepped away probably for her sanity too. You cannot choose your family.
There are lots of account on social media who discuss low contact/ no contact. Plenty of podcasts Mel Robbins etc. and as much as I dislike ChatGPT it has some solid advice with practical tips when it comes to this
You’ll be fine, your flat share will work out. Join some clubs, classes etx to make new connections xx

Original poster
tiredcat · 26/12/2025 22:47

Gymnopedie · 26/12/2025 21:59

OP you have been utterly, utterly conditioned by your mother - who is completely enabled by your father and brother - to be afraid of her, afraid of upsetting her. Until you can find the strength to stand up to her, and ignore your father and brother, you'll be subject to this behaviour and treatment.

And I suspect because of that treatment all your life you are an easy target for others too, including your flatmates.

What can we do to help? When does your tenancy end? Financially how close are you to being able to get your own place?

Show quote history

I think standing up to my mother would get the police called, and I'm scared of what she would say to them. I'm afraid of what it might mean for my job if she tried to accuse me of something. Re the current situation with my flatmates, I'm really not sure to what extent I am to blame. Maybe I've been really unreasonable and they have every right to insult me... I have no way of knowing.

Money isn't too much of an issue for me at the moment, so if I could get out of my tenancy I hope I could find somewhere else to rent quite easily. The only reason why I moved into my current flat is because I couldn't find anywhere else at the time and I was desperate for somewhere to live. Edit: I forgot to add that the tenancy ends in June...

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredcat · 26/12/2025 22:37

DahlsChickenz · 26/12/2025 21:48

OP I'm so sorry your mother is so awful and abusive.

Christmas alone would have to be better than this. She is going to hurt you if you stay.

Thank you but I'm not sure whether she really is. When I've tried to discuss the abuse with my father he's called me 'woke' and said I provoke it... I told him I was asking for advice online and he said I was probably manipulating the facts to make my mother look worse, so I have no idea what the truth is honestly. Sometimes I wish she would physically hurt me so I could have some actual evidence but she hasn't hit me since I was a child, and wishing for that makes me feel like my father's probably right about the idea that I'm intentionally making myself out to be a victim...

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 26/12/2025 21:59

tiredcat · 26/12/2025 20:16

I don't think my mother, brother or father would forgive me for not coming home for Christmas. They'd definitely say I was attention seeking and they'd be annoyed at me for ruining the holidays because, despite all the stress my mother causes, we do manage to have a reasonably nice time as a family. We usually go to midnight mass, exchange gifts and eat a meal as a family and they'd be angry if I were to ruin the day by not showing up.

Show quote history

OP you have been utterly, utterly conditioned by your mother - who is completely enabled by your father and brother - to be afraid of her, afraid of upsetting her. Until you can find the strength to stand up to her, and ignore your father and brother, you'll be subject to this behaviour and treatment.

And I suspect because of that treatment all your life you are an easy target for others too, including your flatmates.

What can we do to help? When does your tenancy end? Financially how close are you to being able to get your own place?

DahlsChickenz · 26/12/2025 21:48

OP I'm so sorry your mother is so awful and abusive.

Christmas alone would have to be better than this. She is going to hurt you if you stay.

hattie43 · 26/12/2025 21:25

She sounds mentally ill . Your dad and brother are enabling this with their silence buy you must realise this is not normal behaviour. You have a very dysfunctional family and need to distance yourself . Leave now and go back home .

Original poster
tiredcat · 26/12/2025 20:16

thecatneuterer · 26/12/2025 19:52

It's not obligatory to spend Christmas with other people. Just stay by yourself - watch Netflix, eat something nice - no drama. Honestly, if you try it you'll wonder why more people don't do it.

Show quote history

I don't think my mother, brother or father would forgive me for not coming home for Christmas. They'd definitely say I was attention seeking and they'd be annoyed at me for ruining the holidays because, despite all the stress my mother causes, we do manage to have a reasonably nice time as a family. We usually go to midnight mass, exchange gifts and eat a meal as a family and they'd be angry if I were to ruin the day by not showing up.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredcat · 26/12/2025 20:09

Dramatic · 26/12/2025 19:59

Do you think it would be possible for you to try and reconnect with other family members? Aunts, uncles, cousins maybe? I'd try and build up your network this year so you can go no contact with your terrible excuse for a mother and still have somewhere to spend Christmas.

I'm sorry to shut down your suggestion but I don't know if that would be a good idea... On my mother's side, my uncle is a pretty much non-functioning alcoholic, my grandfather is dying, and I have no address/contact details for my aunt because she and my mother haven't spoken since they were teenagers. If I tried to establish any contact with my father's side of the family, my mother would never forgive me because it would be considered an enormous betrayal. Also, my father has always lied to his parents about our family life so I wouldn't know how to explain suddenly wanting a relationship. They all live on different continents anyway so everybody is at least 12 hours away. My mother, father, brother and I are the only members of our family living in England.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 26/12/2025 20:03

Leave as soon as possible. I wouldn’t be hurrying back to see her either - horrible beha. She sounds deranged and unsafe and your father is an enabler (“it’s just her way” is BS). Stay safe - this is really really bad.

Original poster
tiredcat · 26/12/2025 19:59

Zanatdy · 26/12/2025 19:48

I’d be going home. Surely your flat share isn’t as stressful / abusive as this? She needs some serious mental health help. My mum was mentally unwell when I was growing up, when help was much harder to obtain and a lot more stigma in the 80’s than today. She is much better but I find spending Christmas at hers too stressful as she gets stressed and I can’t deal with that. Your mum sounds like she needs some serious help.

I wish she could be helped but there is no way she would ever acknowledge that she needs it. My father has no desire whatsoever to try to talk to her about it because of how she'll react.

The reason why I'm not going back to my flat is because we got into an argument about chores last month so I tried to move out and find a replacement tenant and things got pretty nasty. One of my flat mates called me an effing b-word and said she hopes bad things happen to me, so I'm dreading going back there. Two of them have been trying to get me back for not taking the bin out by playing the radio through the night and I can't leave because I signed a fixed term contract. My mother's hard to deal with but at least I can sleep through the night here.

OP posts:
Dramatic · 26/12/2025 19:59

Do you think it would be possible for you to try and reconnect with other family members? Aunts, uncles, cousins maybe? I'd try and build up your network this year so you can go no contact with your terrible excuse for a mother and still have somewhere to spend Christmas.

isyouready · 26/12/2025 19:54

MrsJPBP · 26/12/2025 19:31

Your mother is, at best, extremely mentally unwell and a raging, abusive narcissist at worst. You should think about going no contact for your own sanity. Then start building other relationships. You do not have to subject yourself to this treatment.

This definitely

thecatneuterer · 26/12/2025 19:52

tiredcat · 26/12/2025 19:29

I don't have very many friends (and none who I could spend Christmas with) and my brother and I have never been allowed to have relationships with anyone else in our family so she's pretty much all I have

Show quote history

It's not obligatory to spend Christmas with other people. Just stay by yourself - watch Netflix, eat something nice - no drama. Honestly, if you try it you'll wonder why more people don't do it.

Zanatdy · 26/12/2025 19:48

I’d be going home. Surely your flat share isn’t as stressful / abusive as this? She needs some serious mental health help. My mum was mentally unwell when I was growing up, when help was much harder to obtain and a lot more stigma in the 80’s than today. She is much better but I find spending Christmas at hers too stressful as she gets stressed and I can’t deal with that. Your mum sounds like she needs some serious help.

Littlecaf · 26/12/2025 19:45

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Christmas is often a stressful time and you shouldn’t be put in that situation.

The AIBU forum can be quite tough - you might get some rather unsympathetic answers - please do look after yourself, maybe try Samaritans, or talk to a counsellor for your own mental health once Christmas is over. It sounds like your DM is complicated and you might need some help to sort through all the issues. Do keep yourself safe and try really hard to deescalate and maybe leave early if you can.

Original poster
tiredcat · 26/12/2025 19:43

Deafnotdumb · 26/12/2025 19:32

This is abusive. I would recommend going low contact, doing the Freedom Programme to recognise the abuse patterns in the future and cultivating other relationships. Your father/brother minimise and deflect as they would rather you took the blame instead of them.

This is not normal. You do not need to put up with it.

Thank you, I might talk to a GP or something but it all sounds so silly when I try to explain out loud

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredcat · 26/12/2025 19:41

flutterby4 · 26/12/2025 19:28

She sounds utterly unhinged. Is she actually ok? Could she be suffering from sort of mental health problem? Obviously Yanbu to find this behaviour totally unacceptable and I don’t understand why you are staying there when she’s acting like a complete psychopath.

I think she does have mental health problems but there's nothing anyone can do because even suggesting that something might be wrong would cause her to blow up... I came home because I'm not coping very well in my flatshare either to be honest but if I had my own place I probably wouldn't be here

OP posts:
Deafnotdumb · 26/12/2025 19:32

This is abusive. I would recommend going low contact, doing the Freedom Programme to recognise the abuse patterns in the future and cultivating other relationships. Your father/brother minimise and deflect as they would rather you took the blame instead of them.

This is not normal. You do not need to put up with it.

Original poster
tiredcat · 26/12/2025 19:32

AtlasPine · 26/12/2025 19:28

It sounds very distressing. She sounds mentally very unstable. Does she have a history of hospitalisation for this?

No, in the past neighbours have called the police when they've heard her screaming but my father has always covered up for her. She's very anti-psychiatry and critical of people with mental health problems in general so she'd never allow herself to be helped

OP posts: