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Original poster

My MIL turned up with her friends on Boxing Day unannounced and expected to be entertained

139 replies

Dopeychicken · 26/12/2025 19:01

I have a very strained relationship with my MIL but won't go into the full backstory here. We had her over for Christmas Day yesterday. Today she called and asked if she could walk my baby in the pram for his afternoon nap. I said it wasn't very convenient and we wanted a quiet Boxing Day as we were tired from Christmas and are also hosting my parents again tomorrow. She persuaded my husband (her son) and said she wouldn't be a bother. I can't remember a time when she hasn't disregarded my wishes as a parent. Today I said, if you are going to walk him, please stick to the park to avoid the busy and polluted roads.

Anyway, she turns up, agrees to this and says she'll be back in an hour. 45mins later she shows up on the doorstep with a few of her friends! She says, he didn't sleep, he found all the shops (on the busy polluted road) too exciting. I bumped into my friends and they wanted to come over to see you (which definitely didn't happen as they don't go out. She had obviously planned this)

They barge in, saying we couldn't have tea could we? Totally shocked, I make them tea. She then eyes up the cake I've made for tomorrow and asks for some. I explained it was for my parents. She says, don't be silly there is plenty, walks over and starts cutting slices for her friends!

They stayed until I said, we need to make dinner for our kids now otherwise they will be late to bed. My husband noted that it was odd but said, "oh it was quite nice to see them" and "once on the polluted road isn't going to harm". In my opinion, that's not the point at all - as his parent I said what my stipulations were are she utterly ignored them.

AIBU to say that she can't take him out again. Btw, this isn't the first time. Without fail she ignores our wishes, is rude to us or pushes the boundaries whenever we see her

OP posts:
JacobsCreamCrackered · 26/12/2025 20:28

The phrase you give an inch she takes a mile comes to mind.
Explain to your dh that based on this incident, you will have to say firm no in the first place in future, otherwise she just keeps pushing the limits.

ManyATrueWord · 26/12/2025 20:21

@Dopeychicken
" However, I can't have huge scenes in front of my children because whenever I have, she plays the victim and I look like the bad guy."

This is the key. You have to get over worrying about what you look like and just do what you want. Someone is going to be unhappy here so make sure it is not you.

cocoloco12 · 26/12/2025 20:19

In mumsnet terms, your MIL is a CF

pinkyredrose · 26/12/2025 20:08

My husband thought it would give me an hour to rest as I've not properly recovered from the birth. So he was trying to do a nice thing.

Seriously? How about HE looks after his baby for an hour, that would've been even nicer.

I think your husband is more of a problem than his mother. Does he often dismiss you?

You need to stand up for yourself, don't say you prefer something not to happen, say no, it isn't happening

TryingtryingTryingfivetimes · 26/12/2025 20:06

I'm would not have gotten cross with your mother in law. Except for taking the cake. I would be angry with your husband. He is over ruling you. You didn't agree with your husband. You just assumed he was on your side. Your communication with your husband needs to improve. It will need to include a part where he is heard as well.

On another note. Do you plan to never let your dc go to the polluted road? Why not move to a village?

PSoup · 26/12/2025 20:05

Dopeychicken · 26/12/2025 19:46

This was my first post on Mumsnet and I guess my last given these responses! I was hoping for some helpful advice on how to tackle a situation, not a barrage of criticism and judgement.

I actually stand up to her all the time. I set very clear boundaries and I limit contact as much as I can but it's a complex issue where everyone's thoughts and feelings need to be balanced. The other day she showed up during a nap when I'd said no, so I refused to answer the door. However, I can't have huge scenes in front of my children because whenever I have, she plays the victim and I look like the bad guy. I also have to balance my husband wanting his mum to see the kids which was the case today. I hadn't said no she couldn't walk him, I'd said I preferred not. My husband thought it would give me an hour to rest as I've not properly recovered from the birth. So he was trying to do a nice thing.

Thanks for the opinion that my husband is pathetic and wet blanket. He's actually a wonderful man who has been mental abused by his mother for years and has never figured out how to stand up to her because he's a gentle person. No, he doesn't deal with conflict well but the comments on here make it sound like he's a terrible person

If you don’t like peoples comments then crack on as you are and enjoy. The answer is that your husband needs to stand up to her, and you need to as well.

TY78910 · 26/12/2025 19:59

Your MIL is absolutely a CF here and that would annoy me too. It’s clear she just wanted to parade her GC in front of her friends (I’d roll my eyes and move on if that’s where it stopped but the whole tea thing would annoy me).

However, it does seem like your DH didn’t mind them there, and ‘it was nice to see them’, so it’s one of those things you just need to suck up. It’s his house as much as it is yours - his mums friends are a part of his life. It’s CF to invite yourself over like this, but I wouldn’t have expected the DH to throw them out either.

I must say though. YABU about the ‘busy polluted roads’. Relax a little.

Salvadoridory · 26/12/2025 19:57

The road thing is ridiculous. Posting for opinions is ridiculous when you dont want to hear perfectly reasonable responses. I think probably the dynamic and drama llama-ing is all of you rather than just a demonic mother in law. Its your choice to be involved in this so just enjoy the drama.

diddl · 26/12/2025 19:55

He's actually a wonderful man who has been mental abused by his mother for years and has never figured out how to stand up to her because he's a gentle person.

A fairly simple solution would be to just say no.

If she won't listen/takes the piss then her feelings don't need to be regarded.

Does she regard yours or your husband's?

Why does he want his kids to be subjected to someone who has mentally abused him & who he can't deal with?

If he wanted to let you rest he could have taken the kids out himself.

SconehengeRevenge · 26/12/2025 19:55

Kindly, I voted the you are BU, because as others have said (better than I can), that you're allowing this.

It's harder that your mummy's boy of a DH allows it rather than having your back, but you have to say "no" and mean it.

And that's within your control. You just have to do it.
Good luck

tiredofchristmas · 26/12/2025 19:54

It wouldn’t bother me whatsoever. I’m happy to be hospitable at Christmas, it’s part of the nature of the festival and I like to meet new people, and as someone who has to walk my kids along a polluted road daily to get the older ones to school I can assure you that your child won’t suffer any ill affects from a one off. Unclench.

Motnight · 26/12/2025 19:53

What do you want from this thread, Op? Your MIL sounds like a nightmare. Your DH is unable to stand up to her. So it's up to you! I personally would be going as low contact as possible with her, no idea why a woman who abused her child mentally is allowed to have access to your baby. She will do the same thing to them. Believe me - I've been there.

EchoesOfOurDreams · 26/12/2025 19:50

Dopeychicken · 26/12/2025 19:46

This was my first post on Mumsnet and I guess my last given these responses! I was hoping for some helpful advice on how to tackle a situation, not a barrage of criticism and judgement.

I actually stand up to her all the time. I set very clear boundaries and I limit contact as much as I can but it's a complex issue where everyone's thoughts and feelings need to be balanced. The other day she showed up during a nap when I'd said no, so I refused to answer the door. However, I can't have huge scenes in front of my children because whenever I have, she plays the victim and I look like the bad guy. I also have to balance my husband wanting his mum to see the kids which was the case today. I hadn't said no she couldn't walk him, I'd said I preferred not. My husband thought it would give me an hour to rest as I've not properly recovered from the birth. So he was trying to do a nice thing.

Thanks for the opinion that my husband is pathetic and wet blanket. He's actually a wonderful man who has been mental abused by his mother for years and has never figured out how to stand up to her because he's a gentle person. No, he doesn't deal with conflict well but the comments on here make it sound like he's a terrible person

But what did you expect people to say? Yes your MIL sounds like a nightmare but the way to deal with her is to continually assert your boundaries as she will never change.

And I'm sorry for what your DH went through but he still sounds pathetic for not standing up to his mother. If he has been traumatised by her then he should have therapy to learn how to assert himself with her or learn how to go LC/NC, and not just keep rolling over and letting her traumatise his wife and kids as well.

PInkyStarfish · 26/12/2025 19:48

You are an adult in your own home. You should have refused the friends at the door. The minute she strode towards the cake I would have grabbed her arm and frog marched her out of there.

Unless you stand up for yourself then you are going to be a doormat all your life and a poor role model go your child.

Being assertive is not being nasty, it’s your right.

skippy67 · 26/12/2025 19:48

FeedingPidgeons · 26/12/2025 19:04

You're unreasonable because you rolled over and made them tea after they utterly took the piss.

Until you properly stand up for yourself you are going to keep having this happen.

Start with your wetwipe of a husband.

Yup

EchoesOfOurDreams · 26/12/2025 19:47

Your DH should have sorted his mother out but why did you roll over and let MIL take the baby out when you didn't want her to, then afterwards let them all barge in, then make them tea, then didn't stop them from cutting the cake? This is on you for being a pushover. What you should have done was just not let MIL come over to take the baby out in the first place when you initially said no it wasn't convenient.

Original poster
Dopeychicken · 26/12/2025 19:46

This was my first post on Mumsnet and I guess my last given these responses! I was hoping for some helpful advice on how to tackle a situation, not a barrage of criticism and judgement.

I actually stand up to her all the time. I set very clear boundaries and I limit contact as much as I can but it's a complex issue where everyone's thoughts and feelings need to be balanced. The other day she showed up during a nap when I'd said no, so I refused to answer the door. However, I can't have huge scenes in front of my children because whenever I have, she plays the victim and I look like the bad guy. I also have to balance my husband wanting his mum to see the kids which was the case today. I hadn't said no she couldn't walk him, I'd said I preferred not. My husband thought it would give me an hour to rest as I've not properly recovered from the birth. So he was trying to do a nice thing.

Thanks for the opinion that my husband is pathetic and wet blanket. He's actually a wonderful man who has been mental abused by his mother for years and has never figured out how to stand up to her because he's a gentle person. No, he doesn't deal with conflict well but the comments on here make it sound like he's a terrible person

OP posts:
SpinningaCompass · 26/12/2025 19:45

Your DH needed to pull his mother up and back you.

She sounds pretty horrid. I'm sorry.

Aligirlbear · 26/12/2025 19:28

You are not being unreasonable to be annoyed with her and your DH but :

You and your DH both need to step up. You didn’t have to let her take your DC for a walk, you didn’t let them in, you could have refused tea and then the cake - you could have stopped her cutting it. Your MIL behaves as she does because you don’t set boundaries and stick to them. She knows you are a pushover and she can get her own way. Until you stand up and say no and mean it / stick to it she knows she can keep pushing and you will allow her to do what she wants. Currently you are rewarding her bad behaviour and so it gets worse.

socks1107 · 26/12/2025 19:28

The polluted road obsession is weird.

the rest is dreadful and she sounds awful

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 26/12/2025 19:26

I wouldnt have let them over the threshold and if somehow they had got there... as.shs approached the cake I wpuld have been saying No. Stop. NO. STOP. NOOOO! STOOOOP!
you cannot have that cake. What is wrong with you?

And wouldn't have given a single shiny shit how awkward it got.

That cow owes you a cake and I wouldnt let her over the threshold until she produces one.

Separately, your husband is an absolute wet week and the road thing is weird.

PSoup · 26/12/2025 19:23

Your husband is ok with you being upset a your plans being ruined as long as he doesn’t cause tension with his mum. Pathetic, and I would be seriously calling this out with him.

FantasiaTurquoise · 26/12/2025 19:22

I think it was Jerry Springer who said 'We are treated how we allow ourselves to be treated'. She is getting the message that 'no' doesn't really mean no and will continue to take the piss until you and your OH set some boundaries.

Apocketfilledwithposies · 26/12/2025 19:21

You are not being unreasonable to be annoyed with her or your useless husband.

You could have said no to the walk.
No to letting them all in.
No to the cake and stopped her cutting it.

Stop letting her walk all over you!

The road thing is weird though. Pick your battles op. She probably did that to widn you up and it's not a hill to die on. If you'd not let her roughshod your no to taking him out, she wouldn't have had chance would she.

RessicaJabbit · 26/12/2025 19:21

Why were you making tea and protecting cake and not DH?

The moment she turns up with her friends I would have opened the door then shouted to DH " your mother's here with some friends..." And left him to it.