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Original poster

My MIL turned up with her friends on Boxing Day unannounced and expected to be entertained

139 replies

Dopeychicken · 26/12/2025 19:01

I have a very strained relationship with my MIL but won't go into the full backstory here. We had her over for Christmas Day yesterday. Today she called and asked if she could walk my baby in the pram for his afternoon nap. I said it wasn't very convenient and we wanted a quiet Boxing Day as we were tired from Christmas and are also hosting my parents again tomorrow. She persuaded my husband (her son) and said she wouldn't be a bother. I can't remember a time when she hasn't disregarded my wishes as a parent. Today I said, if you are going to walk him, please stick to the park to avoid the busy and polluted roads.

Anyway, she turns up, agrees to this and says she'll be back in an hour. 45mins later she shows up on the doorstep with a few of her friends! She says, he didn't sleep, he found all the shops (on the busy polluted road) too exciting. I bumped into my friends and they wanted to come over to see you (which definitely didn't happen as they don't go out. She had obviously planned this)

They barge in, saying we couldn't have tea could we? Totally shocked, I make them tea. She then eyes up the cake I've made for tomorrow and asks for some. I explained it was for my parents. She says, don't be silly there is plenty, walks over and starts cutting slices for her friends!

They stayed until I said, we need to make dinner for our kids now otherwise they will be late to bed. My husband noted that it was odd but said, "oh it was quite nice to see them" and "once on the polluted road isn't going to harm". In my opinion, that's not the point at all - as his parent I said what my stipulations were are she utterly ignored them.

AIBU to say that she can't take him out again. Btw, this isn't the first time. Without fail she ignores our wishes, is rude to us or pushes the boundaries whenever we see her

OP posts:
Goinggreymammy · 26/12/2025 22:02

That is very annoying. I totally get the preference to bring the baby to the park. Of course he didn't sleep with her showing him off to all her mates! My MILdid this once years ago, offered to take the baby for a walk for her evening nap. Came back 2 hrs later with a wired exhausted baby after going round to 5 houses and handing her round like a toy! Not surprisingly, any other rare time she asked it just didn't suit us!!!
And taking the cake is just crazy behaviour. Her friends must have been embarrassed too!

EmilyDickinson · 26/12/2025 22:02

OP I have so much sympathy. I know someone like your MIL. She is taking advantage of your very normal instinct to be polite. It is utterly reprehensible. I also feel sympathy for your husband as I am sure that he has been conditioned from childhood not to go against what his mother wants or suffer the consequences.

As other posters have said you need to look at setting boundaries. There’s little to be done now about her past rude and bullying behaviour but you can make it clear that there are consequences for what she has done.

First you need to talk to your husband. I suspect he won’t actually enforce the boundaries but he needs to agree the game plan and that he will not undermine you. If he is too wary of his mother to say no to her he needs to step back and let you say no.

Rule 1 - she is not allowed to turn up without contacting you first.

Rule 2 - she is not going to be allowed to take the baby out unaccompanied until she has shown that she will respect your rules. It is irrelevant whether other people think the no polluted roads is reasonable. Whatever rules a new mother has for her precious newborn need to be respected. The maternal instinct to protect your new baby is overwhelming. It is incredibly hard to trust anyone with them and your MIL (and husband) have ridden roughshod over that. They should be ashamed of themselves.

Rule 3 - she does not get to invite anyone to your house without permission.

Rule 4 - no helping yourself to food in someone else’s house.

How often do you normally see her? I would have a significant pause so she can consider her behaviour.

It would be best if your husband contacts her. Text best so she can’t intimidate him, saying that he is ashamed and embarrassed by her behaviour - turning up unannounced; taking the baby out despite you saying no; disregarding your requests re the baby; inviting friends in without notice and helping herself to cake despite being told it was for the next day.

Say you are really upset / tearful and that as a family you are going to take a break from seeing her for (x) time. He would appreciate her apologising to you. These are the rules going forward. If he won’t say it you will need him to agree that you can.

LilyBunch25 · 26/12/2025 21:59

RessicaJabbit · 26/12/2025 19:21

Why were you making tea and protecting cake and not DH?

The moment she turns up with her friends I would have opened the door then shouted to DH " your mother's here with some friends..." And left him to it.

Or had a bath!

Yourlifeinyourhands · 26/12/2025 21:58

She sounds awful!! If your DH struggles to set boundaries with her, you really need to. You need to say no and stick to it and don’t let DH say otherwise.

Soontobe60 · 26/12/2025 21:57

This sounds like an episode from Amandaland!

Justchillinhere · 26/12/2025 21:54

I wouldn't make a big thing of saying you can't take him out again, it will cause drama, when she asks again just say no and keep saying no till she finally gets it. I would've been more forceful and told her no it wasn't convenient when they all came back, sad that we have to but otherwise she'll keep getting away with her silly behaviour

Pumpkinmagic · 26/12/2025 21:54

I’d be fuming. What a selfish self entitled cow. Completely disrespected you and your wishes. Basically thinks she knows better.

labamba18 · 26/12/2025 21:53

Dopeychicken · 26/12/2025 19:46

This was my first post on Mumsnet and I guess my last given these responses! I was hoping for some helpful advice on how to tackle a situation, not a barrage of criticism and judgement.

I actually stand up to her all the time. I set very clear boundaries and I limit contact as much as I can but it's a complex issue where everyone's thoughts and feelings need to be balanced. The other day she showed up during a nap when I'd said no, so I refused to answer the door. However, I can't have huge scenes in front of my children because whenever I have, she plays the victim and I look like the bad guy. I also have to balance my husband wanting his mum to see the kids which was the case today. I hadn't said no she couldn't walk him, I'd said I preferred not. My husband thought it would give me an hour to rest as I've not properly recovered from the birth. So he was trying to do a nice thing.

Thanks for the opinion that my husband is pathetic and wet blanket. He's actually a wonderful man who has been mental abused by his mother for years and has never figured out how to stand up to her because he's a gentle person. No, he doesn't deal with conflict well but the comments on here make it sound like he's a terrible person

I do mean this kindly OP I just could not imagine a situation where I’d accept this especially the tea and taking the cake! Your MIL is of course unreasonable but you know that and the only way to avoid things like this is keep saying no.

PurpleLovecats · 26/12/2025 21:50

Grammarnut · 26/12/2025 21:29

But uninvited guests turn up all the time. My nephew arrived at 8 a.m. the other day and I offered him tea and sat down for a chat. I was able to give him my Christmas presents for his parents (they live 150 miles away and I am not visiting them till mid-Jan). My stepson turns up all the time, admittedly not with friends, but to put stuff in the freezer, tell me some event, mend something etc. My neighbour came over with card and presents quite unannounced, having seen my car was outside. Who are these people who expect every visit to be by appointment/invitation? That's so weird!
And I said MiL had no right to cut the cake - but I put cakes that are for some occasion in a tin, out of sight. It's rude to have a cake out as if to be eaten and not offer it to guests, invited or not.

Edited
Show quote history

If I turned up unannounced at somebody’s house, I would NEVER expect some cake that had been made for a special occasion. And I certainly would not cut some after being told thus! THAT is the height of rudeness. TBH if I was turning up unannounced, I would bring cake or similar with me!
But OP had already told her MIL they were having a quiet day so she should have realised bringing friends round was not appropriate. I’m autistic and I would still have read the room!

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 26/12/2025 21:46

Im sorry for my flippant comment, just saw it's your first time posting on Mumsnet. Yeah, it's 'robust' here.

Honestly, the only thing you can do though is to actually be even tougher with her than you already are. Literally saying 'do you remember what happened last time we made an agreement, MiL? Unfortunately it didn't work out well last time at all did it, so this time we'd better keep to what has been arranged' in a level tone with a friendly smile.

From what you've said your husband has been cowed by her for a long time so I'm sorry, it really does come down to you.

She might be a silk-clad steamroller, but you will need to be the immoveable object, clad in smiles and determination.

Pigeonpoodle · 26/12/2025 21:44

tiredofchristmas · 26/12/2025 20:36

Making a cake takes minimal time and effort though and it’s normal to have ingredients in the house to remake a cake. Who doesn’t have eggs, flour, sugar and butter in?

Show quote history

Obviously every decent person has plentiful cake ingredients at all times. I once found out that my neighbour didn’t have any flour and eggs (yes, she didn’t have both!), so I called 101 to report her neglect… I never did see social services though… shamefully her kids are still with her.

Mrsclausemunchingonamincepie · 26/12/2025 21:34

Turn it around.
. Dc I'm not sure why dgm has turned up when we told her we were busy..... If dh can't advocate for your quiet life and enforcing boundaries you need to stop giving a shit what she thinks.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 26/12/2025 21:34

I suggest that next time you tell her she can have the cake, pick it up and put it into her face.

Hawkinsresident · 26/12/2025 21:30

OP, I would give MIL call and say you know what she did and not to pull another stunt else she will lose access to you and your kindness forever. Be polite but firm.
keep your husband out of it. Deal with it like a school bully, because that’s how she behaved.

Betty1625 · 26/12/2025 21:30

Dopeychicken · 26/12/2025 19:46

This was my first post on Mumsnet and I guess my last given these responses! I was hoping for some helpful advice on how to tackle a situation, not a barrage of criticism and judgement.

I actually stand up to her all the time. I set very clear boundaries and I limit contact as much as I can but it's a complex issue where everyone's thoughts and feelings need to be balanced. The other day she showed up during a nap when I'd said no, so I refused to answer the door. However, I can't have huge scenes in front of my children because whenever I have, she plays the victim and I look like the bad guy. I also have to balance my husband wanting his mum to see the kids which was the case today. I hadn't said no she couldn't walk him, I'd said I preferred not. My husband thought it would give me an hour to rest as I've not properly recovered from the birth. So he was trying to do a nice thing.

Thanks for the opinion that my husband is pathetic and wet blanket. He's actually a wonderful man who has been mental abused by his mother for years and has never figured out how to stand up to her because he's a gentle person. No, he doesn't deal with conflict well but the comments on here make it sound like he's a terrible person

Well said OP, sadly posts on here are often unbalanced

Grammarnut · 26/12/2025 21:29

PurpleLovecats · 26/12/2025 21:23

Of course you bloody can if you never invited them in the first place! She had no right to cake and no right to bring friends around like that. The cake was for a specific occasion and she should have accepted that.
OP I would be fuming, given your DH won’t confront her, I think you are going to have to…

Show quote history

But uninvited guests turn up all the time. My nephew arrived at 8 a.m. the other day and I offered him tea and sat down for a chat. I was able to give him my Christmas presents for his parents (they live 150 miles away and I am not visiting them till mid-Jan). My stepson turns up all the time, admittedly not with friends, but to put stuff in the freezer, tell me some event, mend something etc. My neighbour came over with card and presents quite unannounced, having seen my car was outside. Who are these people who expect every visit to be by appointment/invitation? That's so weird!
And I said MiL had no right to cut the cake - but I put cakes that are for some occasion in a tin, out of sight. It's rude to have a cake out as if to be eaten and not offer it to guests, invited or not.

CoffeeSparkle · 26/12/2025 21:23

What type of cake though?

PurpleLovecats · 26/12/2025 21:23

Grammarnut · 26/12/2025 21:13

You can't have a cake out and not offer it to people unless it's been made to give to something like a charity i.e. 'sorry, it's for the Autumn Fair tea shop tomorrow, I've got some biscuits'. Don't you take your baby shopping? You seem obsessed by pollution but there is no lead in petrol anymore so the high street is no more polluting than the park - and a lot more exciting to your DC by the sounds of it.
They should not have asked for tea, but you should have offered it. Unexpected guests are still guests. Make another cake.
Your DH appears to have more manners than you - or your MiL who should not be cutting a cake in someone else's house. I am amazed DH is so well-behaved with a mother like that!

Of course you bloody can if you never invited them in the first place! She had no right to cake and no right to bring friends around like that. The cake was for a specific occasion and she should have accepted that.
OP I would be fuming, given your DH won’t confront her, I think you are going to have to…

Onthemaintrunkline · 26/12/2025 21:22

This is another MIL staking her claim, whilst showing off in front of her friends. What they thought of her behavior heaven knows but I think it’s outrageous. To push into yr home after seeing you were reluctant- that’s bad enough!! But to barge in, ask for tea and seeing the cake, slicing into it! Words absolutely fail, the audacity of this person,😳😳

I’m so sorry you have someone like this in your life giving you grief. Your husband needs to man up, put a stop his mother’s unbelievable intrusion into yr home and lives. As for taking your baby out, next time ‘no, it’s not convenient’
should suffice, if it’s not, say it again louder. She sounds as subtle as a bull elephant, it could well take time for the word NO to register. Use it again and again to her, you see it’ll get easier. Good luck.

Grammarnut · 26/12/2025 21:15

LemaxObsessive · 26/12/2025 21:09

Your DH is spineless and if he was ever in a scenario where he has to side with one of you, make no mistake about it OP, he will choose your MIL. He’s scared of her….

OP had unexpected guests and was rude to them. Also told MiL where to walk the baby out of the peculiar idea that the high street with shops is more polluting than the park. MiL out of order, but instructions just weird.

SeriaMau · 26/12/2025 21:15

ChristmasChroniclesBookFairie · 26/12/2025 19:05

Ultimately this all stems from your husband. You said no - he overruled this.

I would be having a full and franÄ· conversation with him about how this needs to be managed in future to prevent reoccurance.

Yes it’s all the man’s fault. Although he wasn’t involved until afterwards. Still his fault though.

Grammarnut · 26/12/2025 21:13

You can't have a cake out and not offer it to people unless it's been made to give to something like a charity i.e. 'sorry, it's for the Autumn Fair tea shop tomorrow, I've got some biscuits'. Don't you take your baby shopping? You seem obsessed by pollution but there is no lead in petrol anymore so the high street is no more polluting than the park - and a lot more exciting to your DC by the sounds of it.
They should not have asked for tea, but you should have offered it. Unexpected guests are still guests. Make another cake.
Your DH appears to have more manners than you - or your MiL who should not be cutting a cake in someone else's house. I am amazed DH is so well-behaved with a mother like that!

Jinglejells · 26/12/2025 21:12

But what advice are you looking for? Your dh is an angel according to you, and you allowed her to walk all over you so what can anyone tell you? Genuinely asking?

LemaxObsessive · 26/12/2025 21:09

Your DH is spineless and if he was ever in a scenario where he has to side with one of you, make no mistake about it OP, he will choose your MIL. He’s scared of her….

LemaxObsessive · 26/12/2025 21:07

Why didn’t you snatch the cake knife out of her hand and usher and her friends out of your house???? THAT is what standing up to her looks like!