My MIL turned up with her friends on Boxing Day unannounced and expected to be entertained

Re your MIL’s friends, I suspect they are used to being railroaded too. She will have said “Dopeychicken would LOVE to see you”. “Come on back back to the house - I’ll give you tea”.

Your MIL sounds like the type who has such boundless self belief that she considers your house a mere extension of her own, your baby primarily her grandchild to show off and her presence a treat for anyone

My advice is LTB ie lose the bitch. Just say no. And stick to it.
Good luck!

I think some people have said it far too harshly, but the truth is that the way to tackle it is to get better at standing up to her even when she is dramatic and acts like you're the bad guy. It's not exactly your husbands fault when he's been raised in a situation where she's probably been treating her whole family like this his entire life, he's probably learnt from his father and family that everyone rolls over to her and we often see our experience as normal or just don't think that deeply- it can take time for someone to realize that actually they don't have to always appease their mother when they have been taught that their whole life.
The problem is that she is so used to getting her own way, but as you and DH get stronger at standing up to her as a team she can learn her place. You are recovering from birth you should not have to be handing over your baby or giving her the cake that you prepared for an occasion.

Some people will just push and push until you reign them in. Draw some boundaries or she'll just keep getting worse.

I agree with you about avoiding the polluted roads - protect that baby's lungs!

I wouldn’t call them total strangers. DH knew them.

Total derailing here but this is a common grammatical pattern in areas of Scotland, I'll often say things in this way.

Thanks for the opinion that my husband is pathetic and wet blanket. He's actually a wonderful man who has been mental abused by his mother for years and has never figured out how to stand up to her because he's a gentle person. No, he doesn't deal with conflict well but the comments on here make it sound like he's a terrible person.

If he has been abused by his mother all his life, the reason he doesnt know how to stand up to her isnt that he is a gentle man. Its because he has been conditioned to comply. Its very difficult to realise its not normal and that you actually should stand up to it. Let alone know how to. Even if you do know, its not easy to actually do it.

Its one thing to let your own mother in, but letting in a bunch of strangers who happen to come with her plus letting her to steal a cake, thats another level. Bringing ininvited strangers into someone elses home is extremely rude.

Hmm. I'm wondering what the other side to this story is. It seems unlikely that her friends, who apparently don't go out, were happy to barge into your house.

But you didnt ask for advice, did you?
You asked if you were being unreasonable.

I’m sorry but this is MN and not the real world where people have actual feelings. Folk here won’t be happy until you throw your husband out, get all your ducks in a row, file for divorce, get a full time job, demand he has them 50/50 and ban your in-laws from seeing kids. 😁

She has obviously overstepped and was really rude. I would have moved the cake and asked your husband to make tea and offer biscuits while you settle baby. You need to both find a way to set some boundaries. 💐

Absolutely agree with this. Your house, your rules, she's treating you like a child.
As she's mentally abused your husband the only solution is a large distance between you and her. She has had a lot of practice. Save yourselves, move away.

I don’t think you’re being weird about the polluted road OP - but you do need to pick your battles. And the battles here were definitely MIL taking the baby out in the first place (should have stuck with no), her coming round with her mates (should have been no you’re not coming in) and her hosting her mates on your house with your cake. The fact she helped herself to the cake you made for your parents boat after you hosted her for Xmas day is disgusting and disrespectful to the special effort you’ve made for your folks. I would be making sure that you prioritise your parents next Christmas and give them first refusal of Christmas Day etc and your DH can arrange seeing his mum around that. You also need to get DH to explain to his mum that her actions today were not okay and that if you ask her to not do something in you’re house she needs to respect that

Channel some of that assertiveness from your response to this thread - point it at your MIL.

It's not about standing up to her once by not letting her in, its about standing up to her repeatedly and consistently.

Not 'oh no that cakes for blah blah and thingy' say 'No, thats for tomorrow' and then TAKE the cake and put it away!.

Don't say 'oh yes have some tea' say 'No time for tea, Im very busy, nice to see you GOODBYE' and shoo them out!

Why does your husband think you need his Mum to take the baby out for a walk - HE can take the baby whilst you rest/nap/do something else. Its his child, just hand him the baby, if you feel frivolous I suggest 'tag, you're it' and then off you go to the bath/bed/wherever the fuck you want.

All of this is hideous but the worst part is the CAKE! Rude bitch! You’d said no. I feel livid about this woman.

OP your MIL sounds exactly like mine, an absolute pain in the arse, entitled narcissist who thinks the world revolves around her.
I am so sorry as the situation is very difficult to deal with unless your husband is on board which he obviously isn't (mine isn't either and justifies her unacceptable behaviour by saying that's just the way she is).
I have had similar for many, many years, I am sorry I don't have any advice, only understanding and sympathy.

Honestly the minute she barged in, I would have been out of there, “oh well since baby hasn’t napped I am going to walk him
around the block. I will leave you in Dave’s capable hands.”. If she was eying the cake I’d have taken it with me in the pram, or made DH make a replica if they ate it.

Honestly if you’re not going to stand up for her, remove yourself from the situation.

I'm afraid your husband isn't all that wonderful if he would allow his bully of a mother who you say mentally abused him to do the same to his own son.

Will he allow his mother to mentally abuse your child too because he's too meek to say no to her? I am sorry OP but that isn't a good father. Parents protect their kids, they don't allow them to be mentally abused no matter how rough their own childhoods were.

I had a very traumatic childhood, there is no way on earth I would allow or accept my kids to go through what I went through. I would move heaven and earth to prevent that from happening.

This exactly. Let it be his problem. If they ate the cake then you could have sent your husband out to buy some more sweet treats.

He’s not that wonderful if he won’t stand up to her, traumatic history or not. He needs to work on himself and not enable her abuse to spill over into your family, because that is what he is doing.

He's actually a wonderful man who has been mental abused by his mother for years and has never figured out how to stand up to her because he's a gentle person.

There's no way I'd be letting a woman that abused the father of my DC take that DC anywhere.....as you did.

There's equally no way i'd be letting her walk into my house with her friends and dictate to me to make them tea and let her ignore me when I say that the cake isn't for her but my own parents then continue to make that tea and let her eat my cake....as you did.

There's nothing wrong in role reversing and you shouldn't wait for your DH, the very person that you know she mentally abused to speak up, you yourself should have spoken up and if she ignored you continued and showed her that if anyone was going to have to back down it certainty wasn't going to be you.

It's your house, your home...show some backbone and if she doesn't like it and throws a hissy fit declaring she'll never call in again congratulate yourself on doing a fantastic job and being rid of her.

But OP, having rock solid boundaries and telling her NO is the only advice that is going to work here isn't it? Its pointless us telling you to ask her nicely to stop or trot out some magic phrase because it simply won't work- she doesn't care.

You literally said she mentally abused your husband so there is no magic phrase anyone can give you that is going to suddenly change her personality or make her less of a total bitch, the only way to handle this is to stand up to her, despite her having a tantrum so everyone in this thread is correct.

You might not like it or want to do it but it doesn't make the advice in this thread wrong. I feel for your husband but it is still his responsibility to stand up for his family (you and his child) despite what his mother was like. This isn't just about him any more, it's also about his child and he owes it to you and your children to stand up to her, even if he is scared of doing it. As adults, we all have to do things that scare us sometimes - its the only way we grow as people.

If your DH is incapable of standing up to her it is up to you to. Or just put up with it. She treats you as an irrelevance because it is what you and your DH allow. The strategy you should deploy is no.

The polluted roads wouldn’t be a problem for me, but I would’ve been raging at the cake.

you asked for advice, rather than judgement so here is what I would do:

Sit DH down and tell him that if he overrules you with your MIL again, he can go and live with her. You need to have a good talk with him about what is acceptable with regards to his mother.

come up with a plan for how you deal with it. And talk about how you’d react to future behaviour. Make sure your DH has some ready prepared lines to take with his mother.

also- and I mean this constructively- you need to grow a backbone. No one would come into my house and take a cake that wasn’t theirs. You should’ve been more forceful. It will actually be a good learning experience for your children. Otherwise, you are teaching them they have to be polite to bullies. You don’t need to shout, but you can be very firm. You can say ‘don’t touch that cake. It’s not for you.’ As firmly and rudely as you want.

maybe even follow up with - it’s very rude to come into a house that isn’t yours and take food that isn’t for you- would you do that at a friend’s house?

I know it sounds brutal, but i guarantee it would stop this behaviour overnight.