To think it’s not always right to just prioritise your immediate family at Christmas

Lots of people who find themselves alone are alone because of their own actions.

I’m not sentimental about Christmas Day. If I’m cooking I’ll host my parents. Some years I go away. Some years I had to work. It really is just another day with the excuse to overindulge which, I always do 😂

My mum and sibling plus his family live 5-6 hours away - they don’t have a spare room, we used to live a couple of hours away. Every bloody year there was an excuse why we had to come there. Spending the Christmas period on a shit blow up mattress on the lounge floor or in a travel lodge 6 miles away! or do the 4 hour round trip. The in-laws have always lived 3 hours away, again no where to stay. Annoyingly between these people there’s 3 spare bedrooms none of which warrant a proper spare room. Ironically when we were kids my mum refused to go to relatives because “children want to stay at home with their presents”’ what she has always meant is she wants to stay at home and everyone come to her.

So we started to stay at home so our DS could stay at home, so we could sleep in a proper bed, so we could have a drink.

If they would share the travelling fine. Now we travel to see the in-laws the weekend before, my family the weekend after. It doesn’t go down well with my family (in laws are fine). But there’s only so much give we can give. There’s always more sides to the story

I think it depends on circumstances. My mother lives 8h drive away. She won’t get a train around Christmas as it’s so busy. I work right up to Christmas Eve and between Christmas and New Year, so can’t take 4 days to drive her there and back. My children also have prelims after Christmas and don’t need the distraction of having someone here for several weeks. So yes, I am prioritising my family. As is my brother who chose to go and live in another country thousands of miles away.

When people say they prioritise their immediate family/ their children that does not mean they neglect their extended family. It just means that timings/ priorities are swayed in favour of their immediate family. As an example - we have had grandparents from both sides over for Christmas lunch before. The timing of lunch is based on when is best for our young children to eat though. Extended family included, immediate family needs prioritised.

It seems to me that a lot of people only want the “village” to function one way

I was on my own this year as I have recently gone NC with my dad. It was fine. It is just a normal day to me.
My DB spends every year alone, but he works in the evening so me going there, or him coming here, was not an option. He lives 50 miles from me and neither of us drive anyway.

Yes. I agree it's bloody odd. We all went to the in law's house for breakfast and stayed until 4pm then home for dinner. My son said the best part of his day was seeing his cousins! I do not understand people who don't prioritise family. My in laws are not perfect but they set the table nice and we all muck in with some contribution and it's a nice day. I am glad my children have that!

This is why some of us are very wary of the “village” especially child free folk. I’m lucky with most of my friends but I’ve seen this kind of thing in action. Where the village as constructed by them is people providing childcare and showing up with presents for their kids, but they don’t expect to give anything back to their so-called village.

This isn't fair. We had a similar Christmas as the poster you are relying to and my mother would absolutely have been better off with her friends that live nearby. The guilt trips are daft if you and your kids are then left with a shit Christmas as a result

I agree. If you are generally a lovely, pleasant person to be around, the chances are, you will always have a Christmas invitation.

If you demand everything your own way, are a git and expect everyone to come to you and make all the effort then expect to spend Christmas alone.

Seems pretty straightforward and obvious to me 🤷‍♀️

Love this!

I’ve spent Christmases with non-family before. Some who had young kids and some who don’t. I’ve been welcomed and didn’t feel like an intruder. Grateful for those open hearted souls.

That said, for those who just want it to be their nuclear family that’s fine too.

Well it's a case of reap what you sow isn't it.

If you're nice to your relatives and put in the effort year round, and are happy to go with the flow and also pull your weight, and contribute to the socialness/chat/childcare, then of course you'll get an invite.

If you are a bit of a tit, refuse to travel on the day and insist on a three night stay, have issues with your son-in-law, don't play with the kids, sit in silence, or insist on talking about politics and dominating the conversation, demand turkey when the host would rather have beef, never wash a single saucepan... then sorry, you're on your own.

I don't see my sibling at Christmas. I don't know if he's alone or not, he pops in to see my parents for an hour before they usually come to mine but I have no idea what he does at the end of the day. Nor do I care.

He makes absolutely no effort with me, hasn't met my kids, did not reach out when I've had serious illness and was hospitalised and is just generally an all round miserable arsehole. I'm at a complete loss as to why I should put aside all this behaviour for the sake of one day so he can turn up to my house empty handed, whinge through out the day and ruin everyone's day just because he's "family" and shouldn't be alone.

I prioritise those that are important to me and that includes my children, husband, parents, in-laws, other extended family and friends.

I don't like this idea that people should be guilt tripped in including family members that are completely toxic and have no relationship with just so they aren't alone.

I said the other day on a thread, you and kids/ you and dp and kids have all year to have a lovely day together but some people in particular your own parents in a lot of cases don’t get a lot of family time/ time to chat to others and have a nice dinner and day out so I think it’s nice to think of other people

Exactly this. The comments about “family time” being a reason to exclude us make me angry.

YES! This is another great example of CF selfish behaviour... you're expected to be their childcare, but if you just want to see them socially without the responsibilities of caring for their kids then its "fuck off, basically we dont want to be near you now"

Some people like spending Christmas alone.

But you are her child …she wants to be with you…..very mean of you.
wait till your kids are older and they binbag you for Christmas cos ‘they can’t be arsed’ ….you reap what you sow

I believe this is the kind of scenario you are outlaying and here is my thoughts on that scenario: I think if you have a great relationship with your parent, aunt, grandparent etc... and you choose to spend christmas with just your partner and kids and leave that parent alone on purpose - then yes - you are a dick.

However:

• People dont have a good/close bond with that relative and maybe for a good reason.
• People can lie to you about being "alone". Their family might have offered to have them, but they refused for any reason.
• If multiple people in 1 family are alone, perhaps they should reach out to eachother instead of all the burden landing on you.

Urgh yes, it's so manipulative. Every damn Christmas she'd also spend the entire day complaining about everything too, so it wasn't even like she was that happy when she was with us. You can't win 🤣

It’s a MN thing….where I come from in NW Christmas is celebrated across the generation….often 4 generations as we tend to have our children early

If you don't want to invite someone because they are toxic simply because they will be alone, don't get guilt tripped by the concept that this means you are inviting being alone in future because your kids do the same because that's ridiculous batshit logic.

The trick is not to be toxic so you push everyone away and they don't want to be around you, not to be nice to the toxic person because somehow this will stop you being alienated from your own children.

Basically this is a coercive argument used by toxic people to guilt their family into accepting them being arseholes.

None arseholes don't manipulate their families.

God yes, dm has been driving me insane with this. She has people to spend it with around the bloody corner. She would have dh drive to pick her up and take her back if I allowed this. I have health issues and one of dcs is AuADHD, dh works hard and quite frankly it is all about her. I have put my foot down this year, despite all the hints and "just another day" comments. 😩

Half the time people complaining about being alone actually aren’t - my grandparents used to complain about being “left alone”. They were a couple in late middle age, they weren’t frail and they were invited elsewhere - they just wanted a big family Christmas, at their house, on their timetable and with everyone else facilitating. I sympathise with why they wanted that, but I don’t think their joy was any more important than anyone else’s.

Oh God, this is so accurate for my family too. My nan would tell anyone who would listen she spent Christmas "alone". She never once spent it alone. Every year we would pick her up at 9am, have Christmas dinner, give her lots of presents etc etc then drive her back at about 6pm. What she meant by "alone" was- she wasn't allowed to move in with us for the entire month of December. No matter how much time we gave her it was never good enough. What she really meant was - I can't get my own way.

However, if you had heard her talking you would have thought we were the cruellest of relatives abandoning her at Christmas. Bear in mind you might not be getting the entire truth OP.