To think it’s not always right to just prioritise your immediate family at Christmas

Christmas is only ever me and my husband. We can’t have kids. I have no family (parents are dead. No siblings). He has his parents and one sister who is married with kids. But they all spend it together and we don’t get invited because they “don’t have the space.” We’ve tried inviting them to ours but his sister says they prefer to stay home. And his parents only want to spend it with the grandkids so they won’t come to us separately either. Which really hurts my husband as he would really like to see his parents on one Christmas but apparently it’s a no.

So I’m well aware that in the if, God forbid, I lose my husband before me, I will be spending it alone every year. It’s funny though, I’ve often had people asking me if I’m worried about being lonely in old age because we don’t have children etc. But I think because I’ve prepared myself for it I may actually cope much better than parents who get left alone! It’ll come as much more of a shock to those that expected to be included in the family Christmases when their adult kids decide to just do it with their own families only and tell their parents they’ll see them another day instead. At least I know what my old age holds. I think a lot of people will be quite surprised though.
I’m actually amazed at how many threads there have been this year from mothers of adult/growing up kids getting so upset that their christmases are changing and especially when the adult/older kids want to go out with friends/boyfriends/girlfriends etc. So it definitely seems the realisation is starting to happen for some.

I agree!

What I don't get is where are all the people who don't answer the door or prefer dogs or don't care if humans go extinct? Why has it suddenly gone "but it's Christmaaaaaaaaas! Must have massive gathering!" instead? Will it go back to normal in January?

I was having 3 extra people round for Christmas & that was extended to 5 as I couldn’t bare the fact of leaving family members on their own. The kids enjoyed it more to. We played games and to be honest the more the merrier is definitely true whilst playing pub quizzes or games like herd mentality. If it had just been my family of 4 it wouldn’t have been as much as a laugh.

I have ND relatives who wouldn't enjoy Christmas Day at my house as the baby and cat are too unpredictable for them to be comfortable around. They've never had Christmas alone but what they like wouldn't suit everyone. My mum goes low key for Christmas as it's that's when her own mum died, she has hosted extras but they've been aware of the circumstances ahead of time and not expected too much jollity around the table.

There does seem to be a contingent on Mumsnet who think everyone must want to be part of a big more the merrier family Christmas and don't recognise that people may have their own reasons to want to celebrate on a smaller scale.

This, right here, is the true spirit of Christmas. The world needs more people like you, @MumChp.

For us it's more than it's a time of year with a lot of illness, it comes at the end of a long and tiring school term, hours of darkness and often bad weather. We love our extended family but there are much better times of the year for travelling and getting together for quality time.

But she doesn't want to spend it with the people round the corner. She wants to spend it with her child, just like you do. When you're her age, would you like to spend it with some unrelated randomers round the corner instead of your own DC?

I’ve got mixed feelings about this. I am single with no
kids and have no family other than my mum. I am quite sure that when she goes I will be spending every Christmas alone and am ok with that, but when I mention this to friends they are horrified and say ‘oh no you MUST come and spend it with us!!’ and I have to say I don’t believe them.

We did this on our family growing up. Everyone spent just the day with immediate family and then travelled to extended family a few days afterwards. I loved it growing up, never felt missing out because I didn't see cousins and uncles and aunties on the 25th. As you say it's a season not a day.

Exactly. All this bloody drama over a roast dinner - it's ridiculous.

Like I said…you reap what you sow….but hey… you do you

It’s one day, one dinner. I do not know why people care so much about this at all. It shouldn’t be this big of a deal! It’s meant to be a light in the middle of winter, however you want to do that. There are no rules. How did it end up in all this nonsense that is nothing to do with what it’s supposed to be.

What is so terrible about spending a day alone? If you don't enjoy your own company, why would anyone else?

Normally we are with DH's parents but as we didn't know what my chemo side effects were going to be we cancelled early enough for them to plan their own thing if they wanted to. In the end it was just DH, myself and our kids. I felt a bit bad yesterday as my brother spent it with my step brother so my mum was alone with just my step dad. I know she wanted to spend it with us and I had to really put my foot down about it. However I'm really struggling with health anxiety at the moment and wanted to kind of isolate without people coming or going potentially making one of us ill. After spending a whole day in hospital last week with a temperature I was anxious of not spending the day with my kids. If that makes me selfish then so be it. I don't know how many I have left with my kids everyone else can pick and choose when I'm not here. I think DH is a little sad about not having it with other people but I can see him visibly unwinding. He has been able to read, play computer games etc with his mates. He's had a really tough couple of months working full time whilst holding the mental load for me. I'm hoping the week of not having to be held to a schedule or hosting others has refreshed him.

OP, I agree with you one hundred percent. I have known some people who have been deeply hurt by being excluded at Christmas, people who have done nothing wrong. The excluders I know have freely admitted that the excludees have done nothing wrong, they just want it to be the spouse and kids.

There are a lot of very selfish people in the world today. I blame social media. The world was a lot more caring and community-oriented in the Seventies and Eighties. People actually had to socialise face to face, and it led to connected communities.

There's an epidemic of self-centredness in today's world, imo.

I guess it depends who you consider to be immediate family, for me that would include parents and siblings.

Exactly. Do people think invitations often haven't been extended multiple times? My mum would rather martyr herself for a Chinese takeaway on her own for years than be with her family. Her choice.

This is such a great explanation! Absolutely right! We have this in our family - my MIL provides childcare 2 days a week for my SIL children. SIL is a hairdresser... and charges MIL for haircuts!! She's saving her thousands every year by providing childcare from 8.30am - 4.30pm 2 days a week... then she wont even cut her fucking hair for free!!

Then when MIL wants to visit the family on the weekend for a hour or two, they're too busy bathing the kids, cleaning the house, shopping etc... all the excuses under the sun to not bother with her.

Wow - a first for Mumsnet - a MIL defense post 🤣

I absolutely agree with you. Of all the Mumsnetisms I despise it’s the “my little family”one.

This!

Who should I be prioritising over my own child?

I think the opposite, and people shouldn’t feel obligated to spend time with anyone they don’t want to.

If you are a pleasure to be around and sociable, and have made lots of effort throughout your life to build and keep relationships going, then you’re going to have people around you who want to share time with you. & lots of people are happy to spend time alone, if they haven’t built up close relationships it would suggest they’re happy in their own company. Christmas invites are not obligatory and should only be extended and accepted if you actually want to.

And I visit my in laws because they are nice, pleasant people. It’s quite simple really.

My Mother deserves to be alone at Xmas. She is a horrible abusive woman. Everyone I know with pleasant parents invites/visits them.