To think it’s not always right to just prioritise your immediate family at Christmas

Oh, this is completely different! You have cancer and are going through chemo! This kind of situation is not what OP's talking about at all.

💐💐💐

I've given up inviting mine. DM is 3hrs drive and chooses to spend it with her partner and won't travel to me and hasn't got the space for us. Ex in laws used to prioritise the pub. My DF spends it with his wife and we have a day together between Christmas and new year. I'm looking forward to having big extended family Christmases when the DC have grown up and have partners and children of their own and I can host a proper Christmas!

Christmas Day is one day. The only things you do on that day that couldn't easily be moved to another day are Santa (for children who believe) and attending church for a Christmas service.

And yet Christmas Day has taken on a hugely massive significance beyond any other day. It's not even true any it's a good time to get family together as so many people are working that day and/or Christmas Eve or boxing day, so can't easily travel.

If you get on with family members and see them regularly but for some practical reason you can't see them on Christmas Day itself, this isn't a big deal.

If you don't get on with family members and/or don't see them regularly, then why would you choose Christmas as the most important time to do so?

Oh, isn't that the truth.

It’s context, as with everything.

We’ve done a mixture over the years of nuclear and extended family. No hard and fast rules but I would never want to think of not spending a good proportion of Christmases with my parents. I’m lucky though that we have a really good relationship and I know not everyone is in this position. We quite often don’t spend actual Christmas Day together because of the distances involved and multiple grandchildren being in another location, but we always pick a few days to spend together within touching distance of Christmas.

@MyDearOliveOP I think what you’re getting at is the more arbitrary-seeming idea that pops up quite a lot on Mumsnet about more fiercely ringfencing Xmas Day for nuclear family when there aren’t any issues with wider family and it’s just a preference. It think it happens a lot less in reality than MN prevalence might suggest. I get it in a way - it is nice just to stay at home sometimes as a small family unit, but it’s certainly not for me as a choice year in, year out; getting together with my parents means too much to me for that.

@SmaugTheMagnificent If you're nice to your relatives and put in the effort year round, and are happy to go with the flow and also pull your weight, and contribute to the socialness/chat/childcare, then of course you'll get an invite.

Nope.

And that's what we're talking about.

I was brought up with multi-generational Christmases too. Never lucky enough to have 4 generations, but had three for all Xmases until I was 15, and then for some Xmases until I was well into my twenties. After the grandparents had all died, and before my sibling had kids, it was definitely flatter.

The "my little family" thing puzzles me, because surely then it's just like another day? People are in their nuclear units every day of the year. The generations all mucking in together are what makes it Christmas, in my view.

What an enthusiastic invitation! 😆

But I, and the OP, are not talking about people who are left alone because they are toxic.

We are talking about loving, non-toxic relatives being left alone at Christmas out of pure selfishness on the part of their loved ones.

Yes, there really are people who are THAT selfish.

I agree. Its a bit too exclusive. And that leads to toxicity amongst family members, and then disappointment.

Personally i’d never not invite family if live nearby. I’ve had a quiet Christmas this year but i’m relocating near family (currently 250 miles away) in the summer so will be hosting whoever wants to come in future years. Mainly to give my mum a break.

I mean they can come here if they want but there's no room, they'll be driving 4hrs but won't have a bed.

Or we can visit between Christmas and New Year, which is what we do

I wouldn't leave my 83 year old mum alone at Christmas or my single sister. They are always welcome at ours. They love spending time with our sons and it would make them really sad to be excluded. Of course there are the usual niggles that all families have but a few deep breaths and slugs of wine help!

My mum & dad were loving parents who always supported us so it's not a difficult decision to take care of them when they're old. If people have a more difficult and complicated relationship with their parents/siblings, that obviously changes things.

I drove a 500 mile round trip at the weekend to see my brother and to take my very frail parents out for Christmas lunch. After a day back at work I caught a ferry with DH & DD so that my housebound FIL wouldn't be alone on Christmas Day. We're on the ferry again now to have a slightly more relaxing weekend at home, before going back to see FIL again at NY.

I would hate not to see either set of parents at Christmas, as we probably won't have any/many left.

So basically it's just another example of people being unable to understand that other people who aren't them have different lives, relationships and and priorities than they do.

I wouldn't have any problem being alone on Christmas day. I think if you can't spend a day alone there's something wrong with you.
Lots of reasons why families aren't always together on Christmas day. We are overseas, with separated parents on both sides. We've tried the people pleasing route, driving for 2 days with a baby to get home, visiting 1 parent for Christmas, making sure to spend tome with the other, then a 5 hour drive to another parent, then seeing the other on another day. DS didn't sleep, noone gage a shit about what we wanted, about the effort that we had made - it was always about them and what they wanted, their home their rule, their traditions. By the end of the 2 weeks, we then spent 2 days driving home (not to mention all the packing and unpacking) and we were totally exhausted and back to work.
In the 7 years we have been abroad some family members have made the effort to visit but many haven't, so I match their efforts now. We have a young son with ASD, we work really hard - first time I've taken time off in 6 months and I'm not willing to compromise for anyone and I'm completely unapologetic. We set our own traditions, we do things our way - to some extent we have to in order to accommodate DS needs.
I visited my hometown the week before Christmas, saw my dad every day but stayed with my mum. Mum then came back abroad with us for Christmas. As my parents are separated I can't accommodate both of them here and we don't have the space. So he spent Christmas alone, and we facetime each day.
I haven't seen DH family but they're not the easiest, they dont accept DS ASD diagnosis and it makes any time with them very dififu lt and stressful, so I leave it to DH to facilitate the relationship. Christmas is 1 day of the year, it's really not a big deal.

Not everyone lives within confortable driving distance of their entire extended family, or has a house big enough to put up lots of guests.

I grew up with nuclear family Christmases as all my other relatives were at least 3000 miles away. Everyone managed somehow or other.

I’m sure you can read between the lines here can’t you? Not everybody wants to spend time with their mother on Christmas Day, for a variety of (often very valid) reasons.

Exactly 🎯

I know what you mean OP. I think it’s a real shame when parents “gatekeep” Christmas for just their immediate family (wife/husband and kids). As with all things in life, you have free will and can do as you wish, but I think it’s lovely when multi generations get together at Christmas. I’m from a small family (only child and widowed DM) and I loved spending Christmas with extended family. Not because I didn’t enjoy spending it with DM (who is wonderful) but because I was able to share my childhood (and later life adult) excitement. I have such fond memories of seeing great aunts/uncles and grandparents - all of whom are no longer with us.

What I always think at times like this is that people who are easygoing, nice and generally good eggs are rarely left on their own, while difficult characters who spend 364 days of the year being arses seem to think that their behaviour should be excused on Christmas Day because “you can’t leave family on their own”.

So if more people spent more time being decent over the course of their lives then chances are they would get invites to events from family and friends at times like Christmas.

i love Christmas as a whole but reframe Christmas Day in my mind. Christmas is the season and all, and my house is open to those who want to come and spend time with us. I don’t place much on the day itself but love the run up and have a Christmas dinner with my husband and DS on Boxing Day.

The way I prioritize my children at Christmas is having their grandparents spend the day (and night) who they absolutely adore. Who play charades (and poker ) and feed them fizzy drinks .

I can’t imagine not having my parents over for Christmas if they were still alive. They made Christmas wonderful for us as children and I owe them everything. Fortunately my DH felt the same way too and we have lovely memories of Christmas dinners with them included. I don’t believe children are more important or valuable than any other generation. Unless there’s a history of abuse or something I would always include grandparents. I have to admit my sisters go a step further and invite the same older people over for Christmas dinner that my parents used to have now that our parents have passed away.

I don't think it's about only prioritising your family - it's about carefully judging how things will affect who. There's no one size fits all. Both children and older people struggle different amounts with being alone/being pulled away from new toys/having their routine interrupted/travelling. Some people protest a lot about something that affects them a little, other people barely protest about something that affects them a lot. When my elderly aunt was alive, she was quite happy to spend Christmas day with a friend and not have to have her 3 over excited great-nieces with her. Her 2 nieces (my mum and her sister) and 3 great nieces me, and then my 2 first cousins) went as two separate families around the 22nd and the 27th and spread out the chaos which she was fine with!