To think it’s not always right to just prioritise your immediate family at Christmas

What does my age have to do with anything? The fact of the matter is that most people on this thread are saying the same thing-they refuse to spend time with horrible people regardless of the time of year. And I suspect that those who have an issue with that approach are perhaps the horrible people in their own families and are unhappy about not receiving any invitations.

We have everyone here Christmas day. But increasingly I've noticed that understandably the older generation are struggling with the busyness of Christmas day with children yet not wanting to spend it alone. For the first five years of my son's life we spent Christmas at my elderly mother in laws house and mixing a toddler with lots of porcelain and no room to play was hellish. I decided she needed to tart coming to us for Christmas so agreed a 60 mile round trip as it was the only way for her to spend Christmas not alone and for our son to be able to play properly.
Last year she announced about an hour after diner she'd had enough and my husband asked her just to wait while we finished desert. Cue a massive sulk.
She's not been with us as she died this year but as they get less tolerant of change and need a quiter environment. We behave in ways that are not usual for us. Needless to say there has to be balance. Mixing of the very older and much younger generations can be tough but I wouldn't have left her alone for anything. She was a mennace but I miss her.

I think it all depends on your family dynamic. My husband and I always host for our parents (alternate each year). Both sets of parents behave as guests and don’t offer any help, nor do they contribute more than a couple of bottles of wine. When asked to help set the table, clear the table, or anything else, they act surprised that they’re expected to contribute.
Due to distance, they stay for at least 2 days.
Frankly it’s exhausting, not to mention expensive. We don’t get to relax and enjoy spending time with our children as we’re too busy hosting.
We have had a couple of years just my husband and I and our 2 children and it’s been lovely. Very relaxed, not working to a schedule, no stress. Do I feel guilty about not including our parents these years? Yes, but surely we deserve to enjoy Christmas too?

Three years ago I was pregnant and hosted the last big family Christmas, having done it for most years since getting married for both sides of the family. The only time I didn't was when one of us was at work. The last time I got fed up of complaints and thought I'm not doing this again. I haven't done it since so we've had 2 Christmas's with just our little family and have loved it. Also haven't been invited anywhere else despite both sides of the family getting together.

We have always concentrated on immediate family as my brothers have always chosen to spend their Christmas elsewhere. My DHs family did the same. I think my kids would have liked bigger family get togethers but despite one sister in law hosting Christmas twice she took her bat and ball home the following year and it never happened again. I think it was a show she put on to prove to her X she was having a fantastic time without him personally.

I live by the theory that if you behave in a way that makes people enjoy your company, they will want to spend time with you.

If you behave in a way that makes your company unpleasant, don’t expect me (or anyone) to want to spend time with you.

Therefore at Xmas (or anytime of year really) I will happily drive hundreds of miles or spend hours cooking and cleaning to spend time with people whose company I enjoy, but I won’t for people who are unpleasant.

I have zero guilt for not spending time with certain relatives as they have been spectacularly vicious in the past to me and others, but I also wouldn’t see a friend or family member alone whose company I enjoyed.

Your what? No. But you sound on the younger end of middle age. Like 40 ish.

Authoritarianism presented as 'being progressive' is in fashion.
It's supposed to guilt you into whatever bullshit is all the rage this week.

@MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel Yes, that’s what has happened in recent years. My SIL refuses to travel and my PIL won’t leave her alone for Christmas so they’re unable to spend Christmas with us unless we all go to her house ( SIL’s). She won’t even go to her parent’s house.

I don’t know what will happen when PIL are no longer with us. She’ll have to be on her own.

Why? Are you going to do my birth chart or something?

What age are you? Middle age covers a lot.

Judging by the amount of threads on here bitching about family this Christmas, I am glad I spent it alone. No drama.

Its bullshit though isn't it? People are largely inventing scenarios in their head to make themselves feel superior. Its utter standard internet bullshit.

I agree that people can be very selfish. Such as those people who spend most of their time making other people’s lives a misery but then expect to be invited to events in order to play at happy families. Very selfish indeed.

Firstly I’m middle aged. And secondly, my point wasn’t that good people get rewarded, it was that difficult people should not expect to be rewarded. But I appreciate that nuance is often lost on the internet.

Covid! A problem and a solution.

I attend group therapy, and a man there was dealing with this issue. Over Christmas Day and Boxing Day, he was expected to visit 7 different households. He said he didn't want to. He was finding it overwhelming. A man in his late 50s in tears over this. it was awful. He just wanted to stay at home with his dog, and do the things he wanted to, eat the things he wanted to eat, and have his own choice of TV. If he said no to one or two people, the others would complain.
He didn't know what to do.

We alternate whose side of the family we have Christmas dinner with every year but Christmas morning before we leave for either my parents or in laws is strictly for us. No one allowed to pop in just us and our child.

You could apply the same in reverse. Why shouldn’t the people who want visits and big family Christmases sacrifice their ideal Christmas to keep others happy?

No thanks!!

I had an Ex who’s mother used to say in a really annoying voice ‘but it’s Chriss Muss’ for about 6 weeks every year, with a puss on her.

Every time people go on with this nonsense, I remember her voice.

It's just selfishness. Some people are just me me me, I don't want to.
I don't want to either but I do visit relatives as they would be really disappointed if I didn't. Despite long distance travel and extra annual leave.
If you can't make some sacrifices at this time of year.....

Oh, you sweet summer child. You still think that life is fair and that good people get rewarded. Oh dear.

I'd actually love to be able to have everyone here, when we lived locally we went round for christmas dinner every year so it's not that we don't want to see them, but there's literally no spare space we squeeze FIL in for dinner and that's hard enough, we only have 2 hob rings! I'd happily give up my bed to my mum but she wouldn't leave my siblings alone on christmas so it'd be all of them plus my niece, then we'd still have to travel down to see grandparents

One day, hopefully in the next few years, I'd absolutely love to be in a position to rent an air b&b house 24th-27th and have a big family christmas with everyone staying. I'd love the kids (mine and their cousin) to experience a huge family christmas with everyone, but that's at least a grand so I'm going to be saving for a while!

Yeh selfish priorities

So basically in the last few days people have been told on mn they are not allowed to eat away from home, they are not allowed to shop on boxing day and now they have to spend time with people they dont want too? Has thr call to ban certain presents and other demands been made yet?

Maybe people have too much time on their hands or have other mental health issues if they demand other people do what they have decided they have to do?

I presume people are capable of working their own Christmas out themselves?