To wonder why I put myself through the awfulness of having a toddler again?

I’m struggling with a three year old who I adore. Honestly I think after the sheer terror of newborn (what if I accidentally kill them?!?!) this is the hardest age. Doubt we’ll do it again as we’re forty and have tried two years unsuccessfully but this age makes the fact we have an only slightly less heartbreaking (while not being glib and acknowledging the pain of infertility for all those who do long for a child or second child.)

Trying to wfh has been interesting and difficult.

My sister, I remember, was still "difficult" age 21 (MH difficulties and, I now think looking back, all made worse by undiagnosed learning needs) - and my mum used to say that she'd be out of prison by now if she'd murdered someone, so hadn't she been punished enough.

Bit mean, we felt...!

Hoping mine get easier before then

My dd got easier when she turned 5, too. I thought 4 would be easy but she (initially) struggled to settle into school which was a non stop worry and took up my whole headspace, while I was returning to work after Mat leave 2. Aargh it was so hard.

When my youngest turns 5, my eldest will be 8, and that's my light at the end of the tunnel, when I think/hope it'll get easier. Three years from now!

I hated the baby stage. Toddlers were hard work but fine, no real tantrums. It was ages four that was my nemesis for both DC.
At four they have more staying power and stamina than at two. DS2 could keep up a screaming tantrum for hours. He also developed a horrible sing song whiney voice. I didn't like my own reactions at the time. I remember calling him the poison dwarf. You could ignore, or pretend to ignore, or leave the room but he would follow keeping up that screaming.

The good news is that age 5 was better and ages six to 26 have been a joy.

Oh I thought she was 18 months. Can still find a good back carrier!

My aforementioned arsehole toddler still went in the back carrier until he was well over 4! Was the easiest way to keep him a) quiet and b) in one place 😂

Also, I debated whether to mention this or not, as you said you didn't want to hear about teenage years but he has become the loveliest teenager you could imagine. He is chatty and funny and kind and thoughtful, his teachers all say he is a pleasure to have in their class, and basically he is an absolute joy (most of the time, obviously he still has his moments but even I'm not an unrivalled delight 24/7 😂).

Have you tried a back or side carrier? At this age they can't deal with separation. Chuck her on your back and get on with playing with ds?

Means to an end. They'll be lovely when they're older. You'll get there.

My only advice, as a fellow toddler mum, is go outside. We are outside all day, everyday. Invested in some serious waterproof and warm clothes and we're out and about all day (for him, I always forget to buy for me so I'm freezing lol).

Inside, DS is a screaming grump. Outdoors, he is an angel.

Is she having breastmilk or cows milk?

This reminds me of during the pandemic, I work in the health service but was on maternity leave and my husband works away. With a very bored older baby (who had been fine with the usual outings, baby groups etc until the pandemic) who didn’t nap at all plus homeschooling a 4 and 15 year old, the days were very long for me and the baby/toddler in particular. I remember seeing memes of a harried nurse saying stop complaining about being with your kids. This absolutely made me fume, I can tell you myself and fellow colleagues of several little ones on maternity leave could not wait to get back to work, even with the chance of being knocked off with Covid!

I had five with eighteen months to two years between each. My life was a perpetual cycle of moan, whinge, cry, complain, shouts of "NO!", thrown food and biting from the moment the eldest turned two until the last one got to about three and a half. That's ten years of toddlers.Which probably explains why I now live a solitary and quiet life alone with a small and silent dog.

They're great now, of course. And once the youngest passed the danger age it was huge fun. But I fear my sanity may never be what it once was. Or my hearing.

I feel your pain op. My two are just coming out of a difficult phase (I think/hope) but the last couple of months my younger one has been really hard. My older one has had some health difficulties lately and I just want to give her all my attention.

Ignore that horrid poster upthread.

It's OK to find stuff hard. It's silly for people to be like "at least you have kids!" Yeah, at least I'm not dead or in prison etc. There's obviously a lot of things that could be worse but that doesn't mean it's not hard.

Does she still have a bottle? I always found too much cows/formula milk at this age gives them very bad constipation/tummy aches. Just sounds like the change in routine, possibly over stimulation from Christmas etc maybe causing extra issues for you all?
As for generally, is there any way you can pay for some extra childcare? We pay for an extra morning a week (in addition to my working days) and helps an awful lot, just being able to whizz round and get the most urgent jobs done. Next week will be paying for the older children to go and attend some activities can leave them at to just give me the break of just having the one at home for a few hours, less mess etc

I do wonder if this is why we were encouraged to have small age gaps because if you let them get to age four, there’s no way in hell you’d do it again

I think it's true about different challenges at different ages. But the relentlessness and exhaustion of 0-4 usually lessens afterwards, giving you more energy and bandwidth to deal with everything. Having more than one child only begins to pay off in terms of playing together once the second is over three. You are nearly there on that front.

Possibly a vicious circle, not eating makes her angry and irritable but perhaps eating is making her feel sick/ hurt for some reason. My difficult baby/toddler had silent reflux. It may be worth looking into a medical/physical reason for her distress.

That's so true and reading this makes me feel slightly better.

My daughter was a lovely toddler but things started getting trickier when she turned 4. She's 6 now and in lots of ways is harder to parent than ever. I look back at the toddler days with much fondness.

Maybe you'll get all the nonsense out of the way early and have a lovely time when they hit school age, OP.

Toddlers can be really tough.
It does sound within the realms of 'normal' toddler behaviour (unfortunately) but thought of a couple of things as you sound worried.

Sometimes you see a bit of a 'regression' before they do/learn something new.
Is it worth getting her checked for tonsils or an ear infection maybe?
They don't always have cold/viral symptoms with them, and the pain will make them grumpy as hell.

Appreciate its Saturday, so maybe try calpol a couple/few times today and see if it makes any difference.
Could be teeth too.

It's the constant level of interaction and activity that out me on my bad days at this age.
Stickers, baking, baths with singing, play dough, toys, jigsaw puzzles, park - all great, but when you are doing them all on repeat 14 - 16 hrs a day..argh!!!
Oh my children didnt eat either. Its a massive PITA.
Picnic lunch on the lounge floor with teddies helped them pick a bit sometimes.

I'd def get the ears/throat/teeth checked or try treating as though they might have.

If you still feel the same next week, can you think about contacting your HV or GP? For you?

Do you have any grown up support? It sounds like you need a break today.
Perhaps it's not that you can't cope when everyone else can but that others aren't having to cope with this level of emotional turmoil. And you are coping, might not feel fun, enjoyable or even that you want to but you are coping.

If her eating is like this all the time try contacting your local nursery nurse team (region dependant I guess but ours was honestly such a god send!) your GP will likely just say as long as they eat something give them anything. And at this point do actually give her anything she will eat, even if it's biscuits. You deal with the nutritional element in the longer term.
Wear one earbud playing low volume music ( I dislike my ears being touched but I get overwhelmed by certain noises so I've learnt to tolerate the earbuds)

Do consider getting an appointment with the GP in case there's something wrong with her ears? Long shot but could explain some of it

Being on toddler number 6 and with grown up children, I get those alternative perspectives but can understand they are not helpful to you in the here and now. 2 of my toddlers were extremely hard work and best thing we found was investing in extra nursery care. Very expensive and we made a lot of sacrifices for it but well worth it and meant enjoyed the time did spend with them so much more