“Husband accused me of an affair” threads… not ATAAT but a question.

You are your DC's constant in multiple ways Devoed. Not only time, but in the practical and emotional support you provide.

That you have been fighting to protect your DC every step of the way is hugely important too.

Exhaustion and adrenaline slump.
I have a touch of it today too, over something very minor that’s resolved at work. I didn’t realise how much I’d been holding together until the situation was recognised- and it’s left me exhausted!

No because he could still put in for an occupation order.

i wouldn’t move DC back in either, i need to put them first.

I’m so glad it’s over and hopefully you can now catch your breath. I would be wary of changing arrangements from the court order during the holidays. It will probably leave him feeling open to trying to do the same and he will then mess you around … because he can!

Now that contact with DCs is court ordered (and you say the house now just becomes a matrimonial asset), can you be a bit more forceful in gaining access to your belongings in the house? Or changing the locks and moving back in?

Knob Head…PP came up with it as I kept saying DH as STBXH was too long!

It feels like grief today, I don’t know why.

He’s such an arse. Remind me what the K in KH stands for?
Bloody men. Bloody judges. And poor bloody Devoed and MiniDevoeds!
Still, achievement unlocked. On to the next challenge!

Nope, that will just be included as a matrimonial asset in court later in the year.

I am glad I have my parents so close, but the stress it’s put on them is unreal.

No one cares how he’s behaved, I just have to live with the scars of that.

Have you had any way to get back to your home OP?

I think I’m angry because his behaviour just didn’t come into it. The bar is so low.

I keep having to remind myself it’s only one night more than I wanted, and the holidays aren’t 7/7.

KH wanted 5/2/2/5 and 7/7 in hols

I wanted 3/1/1/7 and 3/4 in hols

We have ended up 4/6/2/2 and 3/4 in hols

I am pleased about the holidays as that gives me a bit of control to move at DC pace although I’m tempted to suggest we just keep term time arrangements.

And I still feel like I’m the constant given his time is two smaller blocks.

Now to find a therapist!

Devoed, at least its not 2 on 2 off. KH will be whining about that.
& Thank God its done, no more waiting, worrying, prepping, meetings with the people who decide.
You need time to come down from the terror if this. It will be OK.
Your lovely kids can vote with their feet in a few years.
KOKO

I know, they shouldn’t have to be resilient. And, why do you think they’ve come out of this so well…it’s not down to KH’s managing of things.

I know they are meant to work from the welfare checklist but it really feels as though 50/50 is the starting point.

I am honestly so sick to death of hearing professionals talking about my kids as ‘resilient’. They are traumatised and damaged from years of the sort of crap doled out my ex, so similar to everything I’ve read in your threads@Devoed. Much sympathy but at least this bit is over now.

That’s what it’s like. DC are with me now but my heart really aches, which I know is silly over a one night difference.

I felt like this after I decided to divorce, after I was arrested, and after the first two hearings. I think it’s shock, even for the hearings that went all in my favour, I’ll get my head around it soon. I don’t have a choice!

I’ve been reading old threads from people dreading a similar arrangement and it actually working well for DC so I’m holding onto that.

I really thinking that I would feel better ince court was done, but then once it was done it was like tbe worlds worst handover. Emotionally so drained I crashed. Be kind to yourself, you've done amazingly and I am sorry KH got away with so much... outrageous!

I’m meant to be at work tomorrow and I just don’t know if I can face it.

I just feel in shock it’s all over, scared my life is now tied to this court order, angry it’s okay to be treated like we have and sick.

I still get a six night stretch, and the holidays went my way. It’s only one extra night to what I was proposing so I’m trying to look at the positives.

I am just so angry at the world…and KH. I really don’t feel my barrister could have done any more, there was a night between us which feels like a lot but, in reality, it’s minimal.

That is shocking that there were no consequences as a result of his actions, Devoed 💐

I'm glad it's over for you. I'm so sorry you didn't get what you wanted. I hope you can find some peace now.

Do you think KH will step up with his nights and actually be a parent? Although this isn't what you wanted, it may very well change over time and your DC will grow up and be able to have more input into where they spend their lives.

It’s over…judge didn’t cross examine.

KH has 2 nights one week, 4 nights in week 2. I had offered 4/1, KH wanted 5/2 so judge went down the middle.

Judge didn’t care about his behaviour or anything, just said DC seemed resilient.

I am so angry KH can treat us like he has without ramification.

I hadn’t thought about the judge asking questions…does he just chip in as the barristers ask you things?!

I waffle too! Water sipping and something to fiddle with- bit of blue tac and a fidget ring- saved me, great advice from above. At one point j completely forgot the question, had gone on a tangent and had to ask the judge to repeat their question... it was fine! You'll be honest and child focused as always so it will be okay. Remember, he has to keep up with his many lies, and then remember it isn't about hjm and try to think quickly about how it affects the kids- something that doesn't come easily to him! Thinking of you! Hoping for good news!

Wil be thinking of you x

Also remember the water trick. Take a sip of water, use it as thinking time. And put something in your pocket and hold it to remind you that you have got this and we are all behind you. It is perfectly OK to say 'sorry, can I just have a moment to make sure I have got this right'. Stick to the facts. You won't have any trouble recalling things that are true. If you think you have gone off the point because of waffle, say so and say 'sorry, let me start that again, I'm a bit nervous but this was actually the thing you need to know'. You can prepare a few neutral things that you can say to buy time to think and practise saying them.

It's OK to be nervous. Who wouldn't be? It's a very important thing and KH is a KH. But you can do it.

You have totally got this.

As PP said remember to breathe. Also stop at the end of sentences, what can seem like a lifetime is really only a few seconds and it is fine to make people wait whilst you pause. It also gives you thinking time, you’re allowed to think about your response, so don’t feel obliged to dive in. To those listening to you it won’t feel like long at all. Don’t say um and ahh to fill the gap just stop, you will be fine. You’ve got this. Stick to the truth and you will come cross as sane and rational in a way that KH just won’t.

Bless you! Just remember to breathe!