“Husband accused me of an affair” threads… not ATAAT but a question.

DC not currently in therapy as a party (not me) withdrew consent…I am working on it though.

I’m hoping the GP might refer me for counselling or something, I cannot afford everything sadly.

if I don’t ask him about the summer schedule, we don’t have one and I’m not sure what happens then.

We use an app but he prefers to go through his solicitor. I do struggle to see the point of the app.

@Devoed are you having any therapy for yourself? I know you said DC were having therapy. Apologies if you have said and I have missed it. I think it might be helpful for you to learn to set some boundaries and deal with the nonsense that keeps coming your way.

Are you using a court approved coparenting app?

I mean this gently.....
Then are you not rewarding his bad behaviour with attention? What happens if you don't chase?

KH seems to operate just under the line of accountability.

To anyone looking it, they probably think it’s two parents that don’t get on not agreeing on holiday plans. They don’t see me trying to put DC first and me chasing him for plans all of the time

Is this not coercive control? Have you considered making a complaint to the police or at least calling a DV helpline?

I hope so, we haven’t even got the summer holidays confirmed…it’s just all stress and bully tactics

I'm so sorry, @Devoed.

I think you have done the right thing with the referral, though. I reckon the more professionals that see this situation and behaviour, the more likely you are to get some help.

Sorry, I missed out DS is under the GP for an ongoing issue but we cannot give the GP a concise picture as we see different things in GP and communication between us is so poor.

I think the fact you’ve triggered the referral is good. I know it’s scary with everything that’s happened but your concern for your children is what has led you here and you’ve acted on those concerns. He’s coming across as more unhinged than ever and given the last incident was malicious and written off (if I recall correctly) then I doubt the police will pay much attention. He’s already cried wolf once and they don’t like their time being wasted.

This isn't helpful in the here and now, but your DC will one day understand which of their parents is the one who has their best interests at heart, and it won't be KH.
Any involvement of the authorities is going to send you in to a tailspin because you have experience of how that can go. However, a safeguarding referral might not be the disaster you are fearing because someone should be listening to the children in the context of how they are feeling about the divorce, not the divorce itself, and the disconnect between how they know you to be, and what they are being told you are. It's incredibly difficult for children when they are getting told all sorts by the other side and you are doing the right thing by trying not to involve them and therefore can't effectively 'fight your corner'. Did you manage to arrange therapy for them?
You are going through a horrendous time, stay strong, as difficult as that is. You will eventually come out the other side.

I’m spiralling.

DC isn’t coping, it’s affecting his health. Because there’s pretty much nil contact between KH and I, there are conflicting accounts and views.

KH is really ramping up allegations about me, I’m so worried I’ll be arrested again. He’s also been so difficult, I’m just at the end of my tether and I cannot parent like this. I’m so scared about what he’s going to do next, I feel genuinely bullied.

I went to see my GP about what was going on at home, I’d asked if there was anyone that might advise on how to navigate it all as I’m worried it’s affecting DC. Now the GP has mentioned a potential safeguarding referral.

I am so scared I’ve made things twenty times worse.

My solicitor is very good at calling him out but nothing can make him back down or stop trying. It’s also pricey sending yet more letters when we do have an order in place.

Unsurprisingly, he is less on it with his finances!

Is nobody supporting you with this? Solicitor?

I'm so sorry, Devoed. I hope things start to get easier soon. It is terrible that his behaviour is causing problems for DC.

You would like to think his vindictiveness would be running low by now…… I’m sorry this stage is so hard

We are all rooting for you @Devoed.

It just feels like there is no end in sight.

I feel like he’s using the court order to control me, manipulating any grey areas to suit himself.

I am utterly exhausted and DC are struggling so much…I think we’re in the hardest bit now

I’m sorry that this is still so bad @Devoed. It is exhausting. I’m sure that you are doing all the right things to deal with him. These men just don’t give up unfortunately. Any opportunity to control and manipulate, they will do so. So it’s grey rock, sticking to court orders and giving as little opportunity as possible for interaction.

I remember the anxiety xh triggered so well. I’m sure that I have ptsd from it all because I can still get easily anxious. My DCs were teens when we divorced so could decide when to see their dad so there was little he could do to use them … although he tried. He used the divorce though and then maintenance to try to control and manipulate. When maintenance stopped, it really helped to make me feel distance from him and his games and I choose when to respond and when not to now without the crippling anxiety I felt about how to respond before.

This is what it’s like. He won’t communicate with me and is using his PR to control and manipulate. I am having to be hyper vigilant and pre empt everything

Oh I’m sorry that KH is getting even worse, although I didn’t think that was possible from what you’ve written about him previously. KOKO, you’re doing great

I had it for 5/6 years. Thankfully the kids are older and don’t want to know him anymore. He still tries to control me through them and through assertion of his parental responsibility but his hold has weakened considerably. There’s no quick solution to men like this but every step along the way eases things. And gradually their behaviour forms a pattern that authorities see more easily. Patience, logging things, sticking to a parenting app, never getting drawn in to his attempts to goad, accuse, undermine (grey rock) and time. There’s no getting away from the fact that this will run on for years but it WILL gradually get easier. And remember there are so many of us that know EXACTLY what it’s like for you right now.

Is it verbal abuse or do you have it in writing?

Really glad that you’ll don’t feel you and the children are physically at harm. Obviously I don’t know any of the details about what he is doing here now - but knowing your backstory from the many previous threads and the unbelievable lengths he has gone to in the past, it is important that you don’t just ignore, manage or put up with what he is doing. Emotional abuse is a real thing too and living under that (especially when no longer living together) for so long must be exhausting. Are you getting legal advice on how to respond to him? My instinct would be to be logging it all
with the police. I am sure you’ve got a great idea handle on it all. X