“Husband accused me of an affair” threads… not ATAAT but a question.

@Devoed You are in an impossible situation and I’m sure it’s hard to describe the nuances here. I’ve been following your threads and cheering you on from afar. Your KH sounds to be behaving just as ridiculously as ever. Hang on in there. Keep doing the right things for your children.
Are you supposed to be on 50:50? Could you send him a proposal for the holidays and ask him to respond to it with the clarification That no response is an acceptance? Is this one worth engaging solicitor for?

i can’t heal or move on when he is refusing to communicate with me about when we have DC over the holidays…we still don’t know. Or when KH is telling me I’m lying about what a healthcare professional has said, or not telling me about DC health. Or when he is making really serious allegations about me, things people get arrested for.

I can’t not give the things that affect DC like that headspace, not when they don’t seem very happy because of them.

I have followed all your threads, hence the reason why I'm on this one even though you didn't start it so I do know that you've been through hell. But it can be so easy to become tunnel visioned when it's been your life for so long.

How about taking a step back now. As a pp said, just reassure the dc that you are in contact but you are both getting on with your lives and don't need to always talk to each other even if you're in the same room. In order to heal you need to stop letting this take up so much of your headspace and start to move on.

I can get why it looks like that if you’ve not been following from the start but that really isn’t the case.

I think you should step back and let the rope go slack. He will contact you if there is something you need to know. Why do you even need to be messaging all the time?

Possibly, but they also haven’t seen their parents speak for several months. We also both recently attended a school event, I didn’t try this time and just kept out of his way.

I just sort of said that we don’t see each other much because we collect from school, and so we have to message instead but they don’t need to worry

Do you think he is maybe saying to them how mummy won't speak to him?

So you tell them simply that you send daddy messages so they don't need to worry themselves about this, sometimes grown ups don't need to talk face to face.

@Bringmebacktothe90s
thank you but I don’t feel brave - I feel really, really scared.

I just need something to believe and help me.

I’m so sorry that he is still trying to ruin you Devoed. That’s what it comes across as. You are stronger than anyone I’ve ever known. How you’ve put up with all of this. Keep doing what you are doing. Don’t snap and don’t bite. It seems like that is his end goal to make you seem unhinged. Is there an end in sight anytime soon with a conclusion to everything he is putting you through? I’m just so sorry you are going through this. Big hugs to you. I really hope that there is light at the end of this tunnel for you and your kids. You’ve got this ❤️ sorry I have no actual advice. I just wanted to say how strong you are. Xxx

I’ve spoken with them. The GP is concerned one of us is weaponising the children for an agenda.

I’ve said I’m not saying anyone isn’t being honest, I do feel that the lack of communication isn’t building a big or consistent picture for the GP to act on.

I feel so sick and upset.

I just want what’s best for DC…they’ve even started asking why KH and I don’t speak and how we communicate if we don’t talk to each other.

I just wish he would put them first

That sounds so, so tough @Devoed ☹️. Your pain is clear for us all to see but so is your strength and resilience. You have got this! Sending hugs from this stranger x

Nothing will change if we go back to court. They will say DC is still adapting, and the communication was as poor then yet nobody really cared.

im just so scared he will twist it so that I’m the issue and DC is taken from me.

It doesn't sound in the least silly to say you sound scared of him. He sounds scary! And you have put up with years of him being scary and not normal.

Maybe have a think about what might happen if he proves incapable of turning this around to conduct a normal coparenting relationship. What would be your tipping point? What would you think should be done to keep DC safe? What do you think the future might look like and which bits of it are you OK with? Which bits need to change etc. I just think maybe thinking it all out in your head a bit might help with the conversation with the safeguarding people. Maybe take some notes or write down some bullet points of important things you think they need to know.

But by all accounts of how you have been treated, he is not a normal human being and I suspect is incapable of conducting normal coparenting. That must be frustrating but maybe the advice of returning to court is necessary?
Safeguarding investigation will
not set out to place blame on you rather to check if they are safe with him. You may (I hope) find it works out in your favour.

It sounds so silly to say I’m scare of him but I also want more communication with him…I just want a normal coparenting relationship.

That's great news that safeguarding might help.

I don't know you personally but I don't think they will think you are being dramatic and I think they will have seen it all before and far worse, too.

Thank you, my GP said safeguarding will probably be able to help me with something like this.

I keep worrying I’m seen as being dramatic and trying to hurt KH. I just want what’s best for DC.

This place might help you access some counselling free:

https://womanstrust.org.uk/what-we-do/individual-counselling/

It is aimed at women who have suffered from domestic abuse and it seems to me that he is absolutely abusing you.

@TheFormidableMrsC
i literally only use it to discuss child arrangements and things he needs to know for handover.

We were using to app to arrange the summer holiday and then just got a random solicitors letter.

Has anyone been referred to safeguarding before, did it help?

I just can’t see how anyone can make him communicate with me. I’m also worried they think I’m not being honest about what I see when DC is with me.

Also the app needs to be nothing more than grey rock communication for dealing with child arrangements.

Kindly @Devoedyou are giving this wanker all the oxygen he needs. I would cease completely responding to his solicitor. I’d write and say you will not longer respond to communication regarding the children and that all communication should be via the app, as per the court order. Make it clear that you will return to court due to the relentless need for him to control the narrative. He doesn’t want to use the app because not doing so gives him power and an endless means to abuse and control you. Only you can stop this and make a stand. I’d do it when children are in your care and see how he responds. Take his oxygen away.

I’m not going through my solicitor, he’s going through his so he’s only increasing his own bill.

We have to communicate via an app but he barely tells me anything. He’s not spoken to me in months, DC has commented on it, sadly.

The GP has referred us to safeguarding and I’m really panicking about it.

Is there anything in the court order about how communication should happen? You might need to go back to court and ask for this to be added. Solicitors' letters should only be for things that require a solicitor, not the summer holiday arrangements. Definitely ask the GP for some therapy and maybe also explore if there are any charities that might be able to offer you something?

Is he going though your solicitor to increase your costs?