“Husband accused me of an affair” threads… not ATAAT but a question.

The irony is, we agreed the holidays between us. Christmas, without considering older DC, is straight forward because it’s so mapped out in the order. It’s that he’s now throwing extra bits in

I’m not surprised, you were always going to end up with a highly detailed contact schedule because of how he is.

To be honest, the way things are going, I don’t feel we’re fully done with court

You need to state this is the court order you will have to change the other DC to fit. Grey rock all the way.

I do but this is what he’s being really awkward about…it’s really hard because we do both have to agree which he knows and exercises too.

His other kids are not your issue. You have an agreed pattern and a court order. If that means he has kids on opposite days then that's his problem. Or you could offer to keep your kids for longer until the days that tie in with the others.

It gives a pattern that holidays have to be split, and it states what happens on Christmas Eve - Boxing Day but we have to agree what happens around it and in line with the pattern.

The complication is that KH has older DC that he wants everything to tie in with. They don’t follow the same pattern and he keeps making arrangements with their mum that I’m then expected to fall in line with.

I am aware of the arrangements they’ve agreed this year and it’s impossible to follow our agreed pattern and line up with these.

It’s a logistical nightmare.

Does the court order not cover Christmas, Devoed?

Missed this, but it’s just to be an arse really.

I am already dreading trying to sort Christmas out.

Thank you, we’re all struggling.

External agencies are involved which is very difficult, I’m so sad that DC are in this position. They are unhappy and I feel quite helpless. I’m praying something good comes of this support.

I've been reading your posts since the beginning of your first thread @Devoed

Since the holidays started I have been thinking of you and your DC often, and hoping that KH isn't spoiling your holiday time with DC.

No need to reply, but wanted you to know that people on MN are still thinking of you and wishing you well.

You shouldn’t have to compromise when there is a court order in place - he should adhere to it. It reflects badly on him that he refuses to. Having said that, is he being difficult because he has a legitimate reason to request a variation or just because he wants to be an arse? !

Glad to hear you got it sorted. Hopefully you can enjoy the summer break with the dc now.

sorry, I’m trying not to be totally outing so I’m sorry for the drip feed.

He put a proposal together that wasn’t in line with the order. I put one together that was. He either didn’t get back to me or didn’t agree to it, just sticking with his.

We managed to come to a compromise at lunchtime yesterday, the day DC broke up, after 2 months of me trying to get this sorted.

I would say that there doesn't need to be a showdown. If you have set days that they are with you and set days that they are with him stick to those. If not just turn up to collect them unless you hear otherwise.

I really do understand this about trying to coparent over smaller issues but how am I supposed to know who is picking DC up from school, etc without engaging…the last thing I want is a showdown in the playground

All I'm saying is that you can't force him to engage with you. Yes, if the dc health is at risk then continue to report via the appropriate agencies but for your own mental health you need to stop trying to make him respond to you.

You are driving yourself mad with constantly thinking about him and it's not good for you.

@WallaceinAnderland
How can I live like that though, I should be allowed to make plans with my children.

The main issue isn’t even thr holidays, it’s DC health.

He isn't engaging with any of that anyway so what difference does it make to just leave it. There's nothing OP can do to make him commit to plans so all I am suggesting is that she should back off for a bit.

But the holidays are fast approaching, how is OP meant to arrange her side of childcare/outings/work/leave. etc , if he won't engage in any discussion about when he is having the children, /when she is having the children?

Ok, so what would happen if you just leave it there and wait to hear from him?

All I'm suggesting is that you put this on the back burner for now and start to think about yourself as a person separate to him.

I know it's hard to disengage but it would be best for you going forward. Your whole being at the moment revolves around what he wants, what he thinks, what he says... but actually you can just stop all that now.

I don’t chase him, I have about holidays because I need to avoid court again

But what would happen if you just stop chasing him for answers. Just wait for him to engage with you?

I suppose you could try thinking that it might be worth him having more of the house than you wanted if it means the divorce is sorted and you are no longer having to deal with him. The mental load of wrangling this with such an idiot will be torture. Obviously it would leave you shorter for your next place than feels fair but there is value in it being finished. x

He’s engaged his, we’ve managed to agree the first two weeks but it’s taken 2 months. Hes just trying to manipulate everything and everyone.

I am at my wits end…worst still, its looking like he might get a lot more of the house than I’d hoped.

It is disgusting this can all be allowed to happen.