Christmas expense split unfairly

OP says she offers to host, but DSis prefers it to be at hers - presumably easier because of the kids.

Is there any booze left? If there are unopened bottles then suggest you take a third of them or knock the price of all remaining alcohol off the bill.

Either that or just say, while walking out the door: ‘Here’s my £50 - I know there’s 6 of us but I thought it was fairer if the kids only counted as half. Love you, byeeee!’

Your sister is hosting and she does two dishes that she pays and prepare the night before. I think you are paying you fair share by dividing by 3. Just exclude the alcohol. Say you don’t drink so divide the food by 3 and alcohols by two if your mum drinks. Still find you are petty for what is really a £20-25 difference… get the kids smaller presents if money is an issue, I would not argue for that amount at Christmas honestly.

I’ve been in your situation before but with family holiday food costs. I’d take it as a learned experience, not bring it up this year but set your stall out early for next year when it’s being discussed in autumn.

’Happy to split the food shop cost between the adults and do prep again but let’s all provide our own alcohol to drink.’

Absolutely. And think about it.. if she says no, she is expecting you and your mum to sub her and her husband. That’s not ok and therefore it’s absolutely fine for you to assert yourself on this. If she kicks off… let her.

There should definitely be a separate tab for alcohol. This isn't fair at all.

This needs to be split between the adults. Your sister is crazy for thinking three ways is fair and not including her husband/partner in it. I would just split the food and everyone bring drink they wish to consume. You can’t be expected to contribute towards alcohol that you won’t drink.

Here everyone chips in for the food, what the person hosting considers to be a fair amount (usually well under the cost of it all). People bring their own alcohol because several people don't drink and it's not fair to include the cost of alcohol for them. Besides, if the host is one of the non-drinkers, it's too hard for them to know what kind and how much booze to get in.

There are a lot of 'unseen costs' in hosting, having the heating turned on perhaps more than it would be or higher than it would be, more water used etc.

Ask to split the cost of the just the food and explain as you have here that as you don’t drink you’re not really that bothered for buying alcohol.

You split equally per head and those with the most heads pays most.

Even though I have children I still include children in the bill splitting, albeit generally not as much as they’re cheaper.

However for this as they’re hosting (which is hard work especially with a young family), I would say base on number of adults. This is a discussion to have a few months before hand.

That's fine if everyone takes their turn at hosting. But in this case, it seems that OPs sister is always expected to host, while OP and her mum opt out.

And this too! It sounds like a very transactional family dynamic. We had Christmas dinner at my mums this year. My DB and I took a cheeseboard, snacks, desserts and the trimmings, and helped with all the prep and cooking. My DB picked up the turkey for DM as she was under the weather. We had lots of alcohol to hand at mums but we opted out of drinking this year.

I think it’s too late to renegotiate the costs this year. But next year agree cost upfront and opt out of the alcohol costs or maybe take what ever you’d Like to drink? We always share the leftovers too.

I believe the host should pay and guests bring things (such as alcohol). I would not dream of inviting family for Christmas and ask them to pay a share.

Can you host at your house?

I must be an easy touch because if someone hosts me I don’t mind paying more than my share because I prefer to be hosted rather than host myself.

The difference between you paying a third of £250 or a quarter is only about £20 so you have to decide whether it's worth falling out over £20. Personally I'd pay a third this year and then next year raise the issue of how you are going to divide the cost well before Christmas. That way you can make suggestions about how to split the cost or arrange for people to buy certain parts of the meal/booze and make sure it's done more fairly.

I suggest you work out how much you think you owe - deduct booze from grand total then divide by 4 or 5, whatever you think is reasonable depending on how much niece and nephew eat. Add a few quid for your one drink then just tell Dsis what you’re contributing and why eg ‘ here’s £50 from me Barbara which covers a quarter of the food plus my glass of wine. It was a lovely day thanks so much for hosting. ‘

We host my in-laws every year. It really is exhausting even with the very best guests who help plan the menu and prep/cook the food. It's hard to explain exactly what it takes out of you - but there is a mental load to hosting the guests don't have to bear. I think you sound like a lovely sister but, equally, what you described as contribution is exactly what I'd expect from family round mine. My inlaws even sometimes even offer to make me a cuppa or do all the washing up so I don't have to. We would never ask for money, this year one offered to split the shop but they brought really thoughtful gifts for our kids (we have three) and I felt too cheap to ask for dinner for food too. However, I did find it all a bit much and wished they'd maybe brought us a gift for hosting - maybe a voucher for a meal out for my other half and I after the holidays. A single person rarely understands the work in hosting a large group as they are so used to only looking after themselves and adding up their share of things - I did it too pre children and totally get it. I wouldn't want to fall out over it, sounds like it was a nice afternoon and you have a good relationship. Besides, what would xmas even be if you didn't come away a little disappointed? Hope that helps!

Say that it's not fair for your mum to be subsidising your sister's family so the cost should be split between the 4 adults. Next year keep the alcohol separate and just take your own.

My mum and I are both disabled. She's just been diagnosed with an auto immune condition that has affected her hands badly

She suffers from debilitating hip and back pain that she's on medication for - and she has other health issues going on at present that GPs are trying to get to the bottom of.

I hope that goes some way to explaining why some people get a takeaway rather than cook

Casual every day abelism and completely uncalled for on every level.

Out