Christmas expense split unfairly

Still waiting on an explanation for this weird post @sittingonabeach

I did have 5 adults and 3 children which is 3 extra adults plus children and i did choose to cook a very large turkey,also i appreciate energy costs may vary depending on tarif .My energy bill has increased over the christmas period but others may be not so much. The OP case demonstrates people are different about money. I didnt charge any of my guests for hosting (they will reciprocate at other times) others charge for every penny of incurred costs. I dont think there's a right or wrong in this other than pre arranging what works for everyone is key.

Cooking and washing up for 2 extra people is minimal. It's £1 or £2 more at most.

I assume you had more extra guests than that for your metre to show £12 extra.

For me the cost of extra hours of oven time,extractor fan,multiple diswasher runs was what most would deem minimal (my meter showed extra 12 pounds on the day!) but still an extra cost.
I think the main issue here is people are different about money and its best to negotiate whats fair and acceptable to all beforehand .

I have no idea on that one. My family do a very low key Christmas. We don't refer to it as hosting probably because we get a takeaway. But yes I do get that if someone has 20 people round for Christmas day it might get a little stressful

Not necessarily. A lot of people (myself included) find it a lot more relaxing to be in their own home than someone else's. I have a SIL who point blank refuses to go to anyone else's for Christmas as she wants to do things her own way.

What’s the alternative for next year? If she declines to have you over for anything less than 1/3rd of the cost, are you going to spend Christmas alone at your own home, or will you go elsewhere?

Yes and this is why I agreed that food/drinks should ofc be split equitably to account for husband / kids. But let’s not deny that being a guest is far easier/more relaxing than being the host, no matter how helpful you are or the length of stay.

Well at least some people get it -exactly this

Extra energy costs would be minimal

The OP said that she helps out when she's there - we are talking two extra people. Extra bills would be marginal as the sister would be cooking anyway

Regardless, even just being able to leave and go back to your own house that hasn't just hosted for Christmas is a lot more relaxing! Hosting for a big occasion is disruptive and stressful, requires cleaning before and after (I’m sure OP didn’t hoover/mop etc while there), does increase bills etc etc as others have pointed out. I’m always the host for any occasion or family holiday as I have a larger dining space and spare room, and trust me, it’s exhausting and inevitably costs money.

Of course YANBU. If you went for a meal which is the same premise, you should pay for your own share- not someone else’s three course meal including steak and a bottle of red when you had pasta and tap water for example. It’s just ludicrous. Also crazy to be expected to pay towards her DH and DC’s food.

I can see why you fond some responses upsetting/unkind.
People are different ,especially regarding money.
By 6 people do you mean 4 adults and 2 children? Most would not think Children should not be included in a split, surely?
from what you said earlier you seemed to want the bill split 4 ways rather than 3 ? A saving you you of around 20 pounds. Considering wear and tear plus energy costs to the host ,this seems reasonable to many but i appreciate you feel differently.

If you actually read the entire thread the OP states that she helps out a lot when she's there

Food/drinks definitely should be split circa 3:1:1, but maybe some consideration/compensation for effort/costs/after-clean to your sister for being the host. That in itself is no easy or cheap job!

Depends what is meant by leftovers.

I took it to mean food and drink that hadn't been eaten e.g. unopened bottles of wine, boxes of biscuits, untouched desserts, cheeses and crackers. The food bill is so large that it suggests there were things bought on the budget that might not have been consumed during Christmas Day.

I doubt OP would be bothered if we were talking about a bit of turkey and a few sprouts.

Should have been spoken about before Christmas. Your sister may be expecting you to contribute like you have previously and you are now moving the goal posts. Pay graciously this year and send a message saying next year it should be split 4 ways between the adults.

Not unreasonable to just want to pay your share. But YABU for not getting the ground rules agreed well beforehand. Suck it up this year but say that next year you’ll only pay for your percentage.

Again many comments about the massive effort of "hosting". When it's just immediate family, I find it hard to see what this involves - you don't need to do a "deep clean" of the entire house, presumably things like the kitchen, bathroom(s) and toilet are clean, maybe an extra whip round with the vacuum cleaner should be all that's needed. OP's sister would have to clear up after her own children and presumably husband, who seems incapable of helping in any way or even contributing financially to the event. As the sister is the one with children presumably she has decorated for Christmas with a tree etc.

The additional shopping for it being 2 extra adults on top of the existing 2 is assisted by OP, the additional effort of cooking larger portions is minimal and is helped by OP, the additional washing up is more than accounted for by OP doing half of that. So I can't see where the enormous effort is in hosting the event.

My DSis & nephew always come round on Boxing day. I make sure the main living room is a bit tidier than normal so we have room to have all the food out on the table etc, I cover the sofa with throws to reduce the cat hair on their clothes, I make sure everything is washed up etc so we have plenty of plates & cutlery etc., I need to put the dish washer on an extra time afterwards, and make sure the table cloth is completely clean or covered with a seasonal one. I reckon it takes me maybe 2 hours total to "prepare" over and above the usual, and that's mainly because I can be a bit of a slob during the week so a mid week hosting means I need to do some extra tidying.

I do actually provide the majority of the food with DSis bringing round a few bits & pieces like this year some of the stuff to dip in the fondue we had, some bread rolls for finishing off in the oven, and the Christmas log dessert. She also left with all bar one item of any left overs from what she bought and a couple of other bits that were getting close to their dates & I wouldn't get to eat myself. But that's my choice to host her & feed any (adult) nephews who come, and each year she offers to help out with any costs. We always use my house for this as I have Sky & Netflix, and she doesn't even have TV just internet entertainment on the PCs.

@Blackcat54

I think this is pretty fair personally, fairer would be that sis and BiL pay 3 adults, the kids as half while younger, but… 🤷‍♀️

I’d certainly get in there first and kindly tell her too. Fair and factual. Your sis will react the way she does, you know that, horrible as it is, that’s a her thing. Hold firm. You’re not being unreasonable at all from your updates and info. And if they’re all on the booze and you only have 1, reasonable people wouldn’t even want you to contribute at all!

And there is a whole year for it to blow over until the next one.

You sound a fab co-host / guest!

Quite.

We've still got remnants of the cheeseboard, and some ancillary bits, but the leftover meat? It's nice to pinch a cold pigs in blanket from the fridge in passing I guess, and pick at a stuffing ball, but that's about the measure of it. Cold two day old sprouts? Not a win.

It would be a lot easier to be hosted for Christmas not have to deep clean in anticipation of many guests, still go elsewhere on boxing day, and buy a straight forward dinner for the 27th. I'm far too tired on Christmas Day to start faffing about making curries at 10pm when guests have been here since the morning. By the 27th, the food is on it's way out and again, after hosting you're more focused on tidying the aftermath.

Leftovers don't offset hosting at all. I guess if you stay home on boxing day and want to reheat leftovers to eat there's a very small benefit there. It's not the huge deal being suggested though, and frankly the host should keep the leftovers, not have to cook and serve the meal, then be expected to divvy up the remnants for people who feel entitled to leave with doggy bags.

I think there's also a difference in being offered something like, "oh we bought three pots of cream and we've only opened one, did you want one, it's got to be used by tomorrow" Vs "technically I paid for a third of that food, so I should pack up a third of what you've got left in your fridge for me".

@Lotsnlotsoflove depends what you call leftovers, we had 3 main meals out of the turkey, still have plenty of cheese and snacks left, about 2 thirds of the Christmas cake and remains of some puddings and the Christmas ham.

I would split it four ways due to four adults eating. Then next year change it and everyone bring a platter or a course (starters and snacks, main and dessert), and you all agree to a pre-plan budget of up to £100 each for your course.

Everyone to bring their own alcoholic drinks.

Over the year maybe consider having a Xmas account where you can transfer a little bit each payday, and before you know it you’ll have next year’s Xmas budget sorted and maybe some extra.

Personally I don’t find leftovers that great an offset of the expense and energy of hosting. They are another thing to ‘deal with’ tbh and not exactly a big treat to face a quarter eaten turkey carcass, loads of day old sprouts, a cold roast potato and some greying trifle!