Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

This is perfect. And if you want to have your neighbours round again, have them!

Don’t ruin your kids’ magical Christmas for someone that never bothered to try and give you the same. Sorry to be harsh but it’s true.

Hi mum, thanks for telling me your thoughts on Xmas. We will upgrade your sleeping/living space and you’re welcome to take time out as needed. But we won’t be changing anything else i.e the kids being around and free to have fun. You are of course welcome to make other plans if it doesn’t work for you.

You haven't read the Ops posts, have you? She has a whole top floor to herself with TV. She spent the morning up there on her own.

OP literally says she has her own floor, the top floor

At least read her responses if you can't be bothered to read the whole thread.

I don't see anywhere mentioned "that she could have gone for a nap in her own room, on her own floor of the OP’s house, at any time she wished".
Maybe she slept on the couch in the living room for all I know...

You did absolutely nothing wrong. Nothing.

That was not a full on Christmas. Your mum needs to take more responsibility for herself, if she was finding it too much she could have taken herself away more

Please remember when you're reading the replies that MNers are notorious for finding anything more than a 'hello' utterly socially depleting. The replies of 'it was too much' really aren't normal. Your Christmas sounded lovely. Please don't change it just for your mum, you've already done so much to accommodate her. It's your kids home.

I hope I never get like that. Yes it's a bit exhausting but just one day a year, a few hours, even.

If your mum wants a childfree Christmas, she really shouldn't stay with family who have young children! Next year you'll have to be clear with her that she's welcome to stay with you but will have to be responsible for taking herself off for some peace and quiet when she's had enough. You responsibility is to make your children's Christmas magical and she doesn't get to take precedence over them. I'm sorry that she's said this to you as it must have stung after the work you put into hosting her.

Seven and three are very full on ages. Agree with those saying just straight up ask her about her expectations/preferences. Gotta be easier than trying to guess.

Your day sounds pretty standard op. Doesn’t sound like she really had to do a lot other than spend a bit of time with her grandkids. She has a great setup with the whole top floor to herself, she didn’t have to cook and she’s still complaining. I’d be very pissed off at her ungrateful attitude and I certainly wouldn’t be scaling anything back purely on her say so. Prioritise your kids. She had the option to spend a quiet Christmas alone if it’s too much for her.

Yes, if DM wants a nice family Christmas with anyone, it's the neighbours!

As the OP has mentioned, the OP could have gone for a nap in her own room, on her own floor of the OP’s house, at any time she wished. Short of carrying her up there, what more could the OP have done?

Totally agree. Why don't you leave the house to give her some peace? Oh how could she relax with NEIGHBOURS there? A talent show is my idea of hell!

Absolutely bat shit. The mother has her own floor she can retire to any time she likes, and she knows this because she did til midday!!!

OP.if you're still reading i really hope you get some therapy because it sounds like you have some deep seated need to please your mother over not only yourself but your kids too, and this just isn't right.

I am 63 and it gets to much for me as well. Maybe your mum could have a nap whenever she feels tired?

The responses are insane.
Op sounds vulnerable, saying she feels guilty and planning to strip back her already small celebration and send her dc to their rooms next Christmas.

This is because of the insane responses.
Please read all posts before replying or don't reply at all.
Mumsnet is actually about to ruin these poor kids’ next Christmas.

Why do you think the OP’s mum lied when she said it wasn’t the neighbours that were the issue?

But she doesn't want to spend it with her own family...

This obsession with not being 'comfortable and relaxed' is just bizarre. The number of posters insisting it MUST be the neighbours when OP has confirmed it isn't! Plenty of people find the selves very comfortable around people who they aren't related to!

Your Christmas Day sounds lovely. You are doing the right thing making the day about the children and making sure they’re happy and entertained. I don’t think your day should revolve around what your mum wants! If she doesn’t like it she should stay at home or up in her room.

Does she nap usually? My mum gets so grouchy if she can’t have her afternoon nap

Its not fear to want to spend Christmas with your family and feeling comfortable and relaxed.

I'm 35 and it would have been too much for me, too. My social battery isn't the best and I've always found it really tiring to be with family, but even more so with people I don't know that well/at all. Perhaps this is the case for her?

The only thing I can suggest is that you let her know exactly what will be happening. You don't need to scale things down, just let her know what to expect, so she can decide which parts of the day she wishes to take part in.

My grandparents are in their 80s and just sit on the sofa with a glass (or 3) of wine and basically let the day happen around them, chipping in when they want to, just happy that they're surrounded by love.

I wonder if she was edging towards saying she didn't want to come next year but didn't want to upset you? My gran stopped coming for Christmas in her 70s. She was partially deaf and had digestive problems so wasn't bothered about a lot of food or entertainment. She said she preferred to stay home and was genuinely happy to do this.

Sometimes, it's not possible to please everyone.
If your Mum has had years where she has been used to having a big practical role in Christmas, it may be harder for her to be a guest somewhere where the sequence of the day is sailing on excited child attention span timings.
We joined family members this year at a holiday place that, at one point, had about 16 people present. There was a lot of entertainment - snooker table, dominoes, games, smart speakers for music, and a boiling water tap rather than a kettle - but it also meant a lot of scattered attention with a need to have a real eye on several young children who were doing things such as potting snooker balls hard onto a chippable flagstone floor, and those who were used to a kettle not being able to figure out how to make a quick cup of tea in case of 5 minutes of withdrawal (intensified once a power cut disrupted the tap programming).
Your home was not at all as full on, and there would have been lots of fun bits, but maybe too much of a contrast from day to day for your DM when timings from one thing to another are rather loose (if they're like my DPs) and can allow for quiet and focus on the newspaper or the puzzle page or whatever. I'd maybe say your DC won't be small forever but ask what would help your DM to feel more comfortable, whether she would like a job, and if so, somewhere quiet? or similar.

My son started to question Santa at age 8, those years of true magic are short lived don't curtail it even further by pandering to your mother’s selfish demands.

Christmas is exhausting for many, but really it’s about precious time with family, making memories and compromise has to happen for most families in order for that to occur. I think you’ve given her enough space to retreat, you asked her about inviting additional guests and she agreed in advance, I’d love to know what she expects you to do, because silencing your young children on Christmas Day is not a fair option.

reading some posts about grandparents who don’t want to listen to their grandchildren playing their instruments etc makes me so sad and also so grateful that mine and DH family have always supported and involved my son and his cousins as equal members of the family. A quite sherry whilst children are seen and not heard is actually our idea of a nightmare Christmas, adult time happens when they go to bed.