Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

Even at 75, I would suggest that if they were struggling to ‘sit enthusiastically’ for a few hours while having all their meals cooked for them, they might benefit from having some blood tests.

Yeah. Sorry but a whole day of being awake and sitting around the house shouldn't exhaust someone in their 70s, let alone in their 40s.

She didn’t have to do anything, was waited on, could have gone to her room at any time, seriously what else could OP have done? Her children exist!

I agree. Providing you don’t have a health condition you should, at any age, be able to manage a day sitting in front of the TV with meals cooked for you and minimal activity and a bedtime at 7pm. And there is no indication the mum has any health conditions.

I think doing nothing all day can actually make people listless and tired. People need to push themselves a bit out of their comfort zone to shake themselves out of this sort of torpor. Some people become almost addicted to inactivity. They are scared of trying and become depressed and withdrawn.

Honestly if you find a day in front of the TV with your feet up “too much” you are barely alive and you certainly have no right to force this zombie existence onto your family.

OP has said that she loved the neighbours being there, it was her grandchildren that were the issue. If you can’t cope with children, who sound very well behaved, don’t go to a house with children at Christmas. It’s so unreasonable to expect the children to basically be seen and not heard like the old days.

GalaxyJam

or she’s 75?!

Oh come on… if someone is exhausted by ‘sitting enthusiastically’ after getting up in the middle of the morning, before going to bed at 8pm, then they must have an underlying health condition that needs to be checked out. Maybe she’s anaemic.

TheRealMagic

This is about a 75 year old and as someone who worked 52 hours retail in the week before Christmas yes I’d find that an ok day but would still be a different type of tired and ready to go home by the evening. Iron is fine!!!

🤣

GalaxyJam

She had to sit enthusiastically all day long, chatting to people and appearing positive with young children in someone else’s house so absolutely no escape. Being entertained can be as exhausting- when we go to other people’s houses I breathe a sigh of relief when I’m back in the car driving home and I’m thirty years younger than her!!

If she is not prepared to explain in words what she means then I suggest you stop worrying about it

I'm the same age as you and if you think that the day OP has described is exhausting you need to get your iron levels checked.

She got up mid morning, had all her meals cooked for her then went to bed at 8pm!

No health conditions but she’s 75?! Do you actually think a 75 has the same energy and strength as you?!?! I hate people saying this!!! You’re talking about a full day of having to be awake, engaged and put up an air of positivity- that sounds exhausting to me and I’m in my 40s! I have kids and fell asleep for an hour on Christmas Day as did dh!!

But OP has clarified that this had nothing to do with the friends being there. The mum objected to having to spend time with her own grandchildren and wanted an “adult” Christmas.

Which again is absolutely fine but you can’t expect your daughter with small children to cater for this.

I see two sides to this, maybe she was looking forward to a quiet family day and was disappointed by the presence of your friends and all the activity, however I think she is very lucky to be welcomed and surrounded by people on Christmas day. Sadly if I outlive dh then I am preparing to spend Christmases alone at that age, just like I did prior to meeting him.

And that’s absolutely fine, if it’s too much for her then she can politely decline to attend.

I’m a similar age to your Mum. I have grandchildren just one year older than your children. It sounds like a relatively chilled and quiet Christmas to me. I wouldn’t change anything. I would just say that if she ever wants a rest she’s welcome to go to her room and read or watch TV for a bit. I enjoyed my grandchildren putting on a concert for me and played a board game with them while the parents were cooking. I do see a vast range in my friends in how they are ageing and how their health is. I wouldn’t change anything for the kids though, just make it clear that she’s welcome to chill out in her room at any time and you wouldn’t consider it rude.I did go to bed early on Christmas Day as Father Christmas had arrived at 6.30am.I hope no one was offended, I don’t think they were.

It's absolutely fine for her to feel like a few hours with her family is too much for her. It's not ok for her to make that her DD's problem

It doesn't really matter what other people enjoy and what other people her age are doing. If she says it's too much for her then it's too much for her.

But the older people on this thread don't seem to agree with you.

At risk of adding to the speculation, I wonder if the OP's mother is working up to getting OP's "permission" not to come at all in future.

After she was widowed, my brother and I took turns hosting my mother, which involved travel. After several years of this, she told us that she didn't want to hurt our feelings but that she preferred to stay at home for Christmas. But she did have many friends local to her, and she sometimes went to their homes or they went out to lunch. But sometimes, she just stayed home alone, reading and/or watching TV. It took a bit of adjustment for my bother and me, but once we let go of the notion that our aging widowed mother needed us in order to have a good Christmas, it worked for all of us.

I was wondering if she feels expected to join in the family games, etc? I'm hoping that all she needs is permission to opt out, and that it won't be considered rude.

The OP hasn’t mentioned that her mother has any such condition though.
She also hasn’t indicated that she’s not understanding. She provided her mum with her own suite of rooms to retreat to, cooked for her and didn’t expect her to do any caring for her children. What else can she do?

Yes, me! I have ME-CFS. Doing anything makes me really ill. You can't survive without doing some things, so I'm always ill and it's a total pain in the arse. People don't get it. Having to explain can be embarrassing, and half the time they don't believe me anyway.

Before this started, I never used to get fatigued. I still managed to be understanding when others did.