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AIBU?

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Original poster

Choice of side plate , who was unreasonable

39 replies

BeMintFatball · 26/12/2025 09:53

I brought to the table the wrong side plates for Christmas cake. Mum told me she could not eat cake off plates she would use for her breakfast toast.

She wanted specific side plates with spots from the lowest shelf in the sideboard. Asked daughter to get them as I have mobility problems. Daughter who has learning disability got out the plates with flowers. Those also wrong. Mum insisted on the spotty plates.

Despite causing me a lot of pain I got the desired spotty plates and told my mum what a pain in the arse she was being. Mum sounded all childlike but Christmas is only one day a year .

Vote
YABU its Christmas that’s when the spotty plates are used. Make your 88 year old mum happy

YANBU Does it really matter , all the plates were clean. Cake would taste the same no matter what pattern was printed on the crockery.

OP posts:
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chunkyBoo · 26/12/2025 17:38

It may be her last Christmas, so I’d suck it up and just enjoy time with your mum, and see she gets the Christmas / birthday / Easter she enjoys

throwaway20262025 · 26/12/2025 16:59

Papersnowflakes · 26/12/2025 15:00

Even if she's ND she doesn't get to make someone else suffer pain over this.
Being ND doesn't give you the right to ride roughshod over everyone else's needs

Show quote history

No it doesn’t, but it might explain why she has such a rigid preference in the first place.

Papersnowflakes · 26/12/2025 15:00

throwaway20262025 · 26/12/2025 09:54

If your mum is neurotypical, then she’s being fussy. It’s fine to have a preference but in the circumstances you’d described I’d suck it up.

Even if she's ND she doesn't get to make someone else suffer pain over this.
Being ND doesn't give you the right to ride roughshod over everyone else's needs

BillieWiper · 26/12/2025 14:57

My mum is like this about one specific plate she absolutely hates and refuses to eat off. It's just the most innocuous, plain white plate. Nothing offensive, just round and white. I've no idea why she feels so strongly against it! But I go along with it to keep her happy!

girlmuma · 26/12/2025 14:40

This is the sort of thing my 3 year old would have a tantrum over.
Surely at your mums big adult age, she’s had enough life experience to know this is a non issue?
Sounds very over privileged to me. Sorry.

Purplecatshopaholic · 26/12/2025 14:39

I don’t deal well with that batshittery. Cake is cake - if you don’t want it on that plate, don’t have it then.

Notdanishsusan · 26/12/2025 14:36

I had to grit my teeth yesterday as a guest got out the breakfast bowls for the Christmas pudding. We have 3 other types of bowl that would have been better. Christmas brings out the fussiness in us. But also, people need to be able to let it go and understand it doesn’t really matter.

bookmarket · 26/12/2025 14:33

Jellycatspyjamas · 26/12/2025 11:34

I have particular cups for tea and coffee, so I’d be quite sympathetic to someone wanting a particular plate for their cake. It makes no difference to taste and in the wide scheme of things is neither here nor there, but if I could I’d have got it for her.

I'm so pleased to learn I'm not alone in this.

bookmarket · 26/12/2025 14:30

Seeing your updates though OP I'd say your mother sounds rude and impatient and YANBU

bookmarket · 26/12/2025 14:28

Rationally I would say you are not being unreasonable ...... however, I am someone who is a bit particular about the right crockery and mugs and glasses for the right thing. It shouldn't matter but it's a silly thing that matters to me. And I'd guess if she doesn't get to use the spotty plates very often, then it was a big deal to your mum.

However, I'd either get the plates myself if I was being so particular and being a nuisance to others or I'd have poked fun at myself and acknowledged this quirk I have, knowing lots of people don't give two hoots what they eat off or drink out of. 😀

Original poster
BeMintFatball · 26/12/2025 13:44

@CheeseWisely very like a toddler. Cognitive decline that comes with old age. No diagnosis of dementia and I can’t honestly say she changed except years ago she would have kept a lid on it.

OP posts:
Naala · 26/12/2025 13:43

If you feel the need to to pit mobility problems and learning disabilities against a preference for a particular plate, not only is the story crap, but YABU.

CheeseWisely · 26/12/2025 13:29

Is your Mum a toddler? Sounds like something a toddler would insist on.

Original poster
BeMintFatball · 26/12/2025 13:28

@RawBloomers I agree with your point do something with a good heart or don’t do it at all.

In the moment neither mum or I was calm. She was behaving like a toddler ‘I want’ . I was stressed that dd2 was trying to do something beyond her capabilities and I was irritated that the quickest solution was to endure pain and get the plates myself, Husband was in the kitchen on some other fool errand I don’t even remember what it was.

With hindsight I should have said let’s wait for DH to get the plates. However I wasn’t calm to start with as I had searched 4 cake tins in a particular cupboard I was told I would find the cake. I had been shouted at for not finding it when in fact I found it in a completely different cupboard. When I put her groceries away I asked where did she want me to put the bag of conference pears? Mother’s stock reply was “up me arse” . She doesn’t need to be rude to me I’m doing my best.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeMintFatball · 26/12/2025 13:03

@VeggieParishLunch your son could well be right . My mum grew up in war time Britain. Growing up on the outskirts of East London children had to go to school with a gas mask. My mother frequently forgot. The consequence was standing in a corner with her back to the class. The standard of her education was poor and maybe additional needs went unnoticed. She has never been able to grasp numbers. But her spelling skills were amazing.

OP posts:
Changename12 · 26/12/2025 13:03

Duplicate post.

Changename12 · 26/12/2025 13:03

Before my mother was in a home, she told one of my siblings off for using her best plates. The sibling replied that when else was she going to use it. She wasn’t going to have a dinner party. She already had 4 carers coming in a day.

RawBloomers · 26/12/2025 13:02

I would normally accommodate such a request at Christmas because I know people can get a lot of pleasure out of specific traditions, even if they are a bit fussy or ridiculous. But if I didn’t feel up to it I would just have told her, “sorry, these are the plates we’ve got today.” May be with a “you’re welcome to go find one of the ones you really want if it’s that important to you.”

What I think is foolish (and I’ve come to this conclusion by being foolish myself on too many occasions) is putting yourself out for that sort of thing and then resenting it. Do it and take pleasure in pleasing your guest, or don’t do it.

Catwalking · 26/12/2025 12:42

Madness.
Id have told her if she so badly needed cake, why would it matter what it was served on🤔.
Was is specially homemade with pretty homemade decorations? I’d have been able to eat it served from my cats dish😻.

NewLifter · 26/12/2025 12:27

I understand this too. Basically, her kitchen items need to be moved to make them more accessible to you all - there's no point storing things in places that none if you can access!

Sorry you're having such a tough time op.

HeadyLamarr · 26/12/2025 12:11

She's 88, it's her special Christmas Day cake plates, so I can understand wanting the right ones. It is also hard having carers make assumptions and doing things their way and not her preferred way in her own home day in, day out, so I can see why something so small seemed important to her.

I can also understand your being on your last nerve.

I would have expected DD to return the floral plates and have a second go at selecting the correct spotty plates.

Quitelikeit · 26/12/2025 12:02

Sorry but I understand this 😂

For the life of me I can’t drink wine or water from a cup!

I also like to use certain side plates for certain things - it’s hard to explain but it’s just a thing

Not sure I would have pushed it since you have mobility issues tho

VeggieParishLunch · 26/12/2025 11:57

My DS has just pointed out that your Mum also has special needs as the pattern on her plate ruins the taste of her cake. So let's consider everyone's special needs here.....

Original poster
BeMintFatball · 26/12/2025 11:39

@mondaytosunday your reply has given me the solution for next Christmas. Ask the morning carers to get the required plates out before the visit.

@daffodilandtulip have to admit I’m with you on cutlery. We have a rogue fork that somehow got into the house. I blame DD1 partner from the time he worked in events. It was the last clean fork this morning. I used it to get the dog’s food out the can. The handle is all sorts of wrong. I should bin it but when you’re down to the last fork my laziness to wash a good one overrides my discomfort at wrong fork 😂

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 26/12/2025 11:34

I have particular cups for tea and coffee, so I’d be quite sympathetic to someone wanting a particular plate for their cake. It makes no difference to taste and in the wide scheme of things is neither here nor there, but if I could I’d have got it for her.