Am I a strict, unreasonable mum to 15 year old DS?

This is what I ask myself (and happy to be challenged because I don’t know the answer). I was a tv addict as a teen, literally all I did! I was a good student, physically healthy, did everything else my parents wanted from me…just watched a lot of tv! I’m a fully functioning adult with a good job, family etc, I have hobbies now (more than when I was a teenager!) I’ve been so strict on gaming with mine but my son is 15 and I’ve started to loosen the reigns a little so he starts to self regulate (youngest is AuADHD so will be different), he has one other hobby that takes up a lot of time (physical hobby) so he likes the mental and physical break gaming brings, so I ask myself, is gaming worse than tv? Does it depend on the game?

Mine are 16 and 14 ( girl/boy).

We don’t have a screen time limit any more but all electronics go off at 10pm, everyone has to go to bed or at least be in their room quietly from around 10, we eat together and they have some jobs they have to do.

Very lucky that they both have good ownership of their own school work etc so I don’t get involved in that.

My ds is 14 and does air cadets twice a week, stays after school for basketball, plays the piano and probably practices three times a week. When he’s not doing that, his school work, seeing friends, eating/coming out with us- then he will be on his gaming as his default activity. I think that’s alright tbh. I don’t monitor the time he spends on it.

I do get what you say here - I have older teenage daughters and they did all get things like Snapchat at age 14 because of peer pressure. I still had rules from the start of phones though: no phones in bedrooms after 10pm. No phones at meal tables or while hanging out with family downstairs. If I pay for your phone I can check it including the screen time app. But the rules could sometimes feel exhausting and I would prefer to avoid that with DS and gaming if I can but just not introducing a console into our lives.

I was a bit of a gamer as a teenager and while my parents didn’t set limits, they did make sure I had lots of other things to do so that my gaming time was naturally limited.

I think as long as he’s doing well in school, participating in a sport of some kind and is otherwise a good kid, I wouldn’t get stressed about an extra couple of hours on a screen.

What do you want him to do instead OP?

I hope you get better soon

Is he socialising when gaming, playing/talking with friends or on his own?

Honestly, I think this is a sensible approach. I used to be totally against the idea of ‘wasting’ hours a day gaming until I randomly started doing it myself this year. I found it a great way to switch off when I couldn’t concentrate on reading a book or watching TV. I feel like it gave my brain a break from overthinking and it actually ended up being a short spell of a few months and now I am back in to reading again. I can spend hours and hours a day lost in a book now.

My rules were as long as they still did their school work, sports etc then I didnt police what they did at age 15. They need to learn to self regulate, obviously we would remind them of times etc so weren't completely hands off but it worked for us, never had any issues as it was never a forbidden thing, same with phones.

Would it be alright if he was scrolling youtube or tiktok rather than gaming?

Up to seven hours a day? I despair. What a waste. Full sympathy for you OP. I completely understand your concern and frustration.

My teens have parental controls on things until after GCSEs. Non negotiable. Phones time limited. Nintendo switch time limited to just a couple of hours at weekends and in school holidays. There was no x box type games console. Older teen bought one himself using his pay from Saturday job post 16 but it is not in the bedroom.

I think as soon as you put a TV screen in the bedroom you are on a slippery slope because you are so limited in what you can do. If they console is in a common area of the house then they simply can't game all day and night because there are other people to consider.

My teens railed against the limits at times but 2 of them are post 16 now and are able to manage their time after the restrictions were ended, understand why the restrictions were kept and the oldest in particular has said that he knows full well he would have been on screens all the time without the restrictions.

This 100%
Teen years are like having toddlers again, they need loads of direction and supervision

If he is talking back and being difficult about other tasks then he doesn't get gaming, end of. You ask once, he does the dog, breakfast, whatever. If he is turning it into a battle you withdraw the game. It's about respect rather than the video gaming. And if he complies then reward with the number of hours you feel appropriate. It's not your business to be like other mums - maybe they let their kids stay up til two and do drugs - are you still the strict mum? Based on your own good sense figure out what you think is the number, and stick to it.

I was going to say this. I'm 70 and remember getting a TV for the first time. There wasn't a lot of TV on for children than and people thought children were being damaged by watching too much. Going back further in time people thought reading too much was damaging. In fact, not that much further, I know people whose parents told them to put a book away and go outside to play.

I started a thread last week asking whether I was unreasonable to say DH had to return a PS5 he bought our 12 year old son for Christmas because DS had not asked for it and I didn’t want to introduce it into our lives. Many people said I was unreasonable and gaming is fine. But this thread just highlights that once those machines are in the house you don’t just have to deal with the time gaming but all the time around that negotiating gaming times etc. I just don’t get why people want that in their lives. And it’s not like watching TV in the family room as we did as kids. It’s hours not interacting with humans in your household while your brain is 100% involved in a much more intense interaction with a screen.

I’m ill in bed with flu, lovely Christmas virus, thanks very much.

I think the important thi g is to check whether it is interfering with other aspects of life. If he is attending school and clubs, doing homework/recision, seeing friends and family and generally engaging in life, then i wouldn't make it a hill to die on. If it is creeping into addiction/interfering with other activities/causing personality changes then obviously you need to intervene.

My DS14 is a huge gamer and spends many hours a day gaming on weekends and evenings. My DH is a gamer too. We do have very strict rules. Homework/Revision comes first and I enforce this very strictly. If we are having lunch/dinner, DS has to come and eat with us and obviously if we are going out or doing something as a family, that comes first.. He has his door open at all times so we can see what he's doing/hear him. His gaming laptop is in the boxroom, not his bedroom. He is not allowed to play with strangers and can only play games that DH approves. DH has put lots of blocks in olace so DS can't download new games, etc- and sometimes things in the games he plays need DH to approve and enter a password. So although he games a lot, it is safe and well monitored. He is not allowed to play games with any gambling elements. He has a nice group of friends from school and they game together and chat on headsets, and he also games a lot with DH and DH's brothers. If DS was struggling academically or was not well adjusted, I would definitely be stricter, but gaming is his way of relaxing and currently it is working OK for us with our rules in place.

No advice except to say that it is very unlikely you will 'win'. I regret some of the arguments I had with one of my teen DC and wish I had not taken the strict stance I did, though it wasn't about gaming.