Am I a strict, unreasonable mum to 15 year old DS?

The difference is very real and so it does matter in the bigger context.

Gaming does change your brain in ways TV doesn’t. There are positives but there are negatives in terms of dopamine loops and feedback and if someone is spending too much time on games it’s very possible it’s because of that. It also reduces the ability to concentrate on longer term less feedback inducing activities like reading or skills that need long term focus, although it increases short term focus.

The thing is it's more than just gaming - most teens hang out with their friends online, playing together. They chat and play. It's difficult to understand how this form of communication is replacing the BMX gang - well at least, I struggle to compare it.

My DS' are 21 and 24 - they always self regulated. BUT both went to very demanding academic/sporty schools, so they were forced to make good decisions themselves or risk bad grades / demotion on teams etc.

@SouthernFashionista that edit was a dick move. You’ve totally changed the tone and sense of your post 🙄

In answer to your question, you are not strict at all for being concerns at spending 7 hours a free day on gaming.

Gaming is addictive and he is wasting his time and youth.

I think he should not be allowed gaming at all as a baseline, and he will have to earn up to 4 hours a free day by not arguing back, complaining about it, being disrespectful etc. It’s good that he continues to do his schoolwork and eat with the family, so I guess that deserves 2 hours if he keeps that up.

If he doesn’t comply then get rid of gaming entirely. He can waste his life once he’s 18, but until then you are responsible for him.

I don't worry about it too much with mine and view it more as is he doing it to the detriment of other parts of his life rather than arbitary target times.

He's autistic and has little spare social battery, so communicating with a couple of friends online is opening up more than he would do in the real world. Talking to his school friend's mum, friend is the same, plus they live at the other end of town so logistically hard to drop in on each other anyway.

Between dyslexia and autism, he's not a book lover. He satiates his thirst for information from youtube which is more accessible than getting that information through wriggling, blurred text in niche books.

He does Warhammer as a creative and social outlet. There is a cap on what he can invest into that due to costs. He's a Lego fan too.

He does DoE award, running (both parkruns and independently) and a martial art. He's fit and active. He also has a significant walk to the bus stop with a heavy school bag. DoE means that he volunteers, and he is self-motivated at setting goals and strategising them.

He's doing well with school, self-motivates on homework, and his youtube documentary interest is a positive to his learning. He also does his share of household chores.

His screentime is watching decent quality/ special interest youtube, or playing strategy/ construction type games that require thought.

Last summer I was mulling all this over and came to the conclusion that his teen lifestyle isn't vastly different to mine. Admittedly my 386 didn't have internet access, but I did spend a notable amount of time on my PC (or my brother's SNES when I could get away from it). I did read/ draw more, and there was more teen-friendly TV on weekend mornings. I did less sport/ physical activity.

I am watching the space more closely with his younger brother, mainly that he likes more PVP type games and they can hype his mood. He is also easier to draw into doing things with me, so easier to divert into something else.

Both of mine find school intense and draining and they need a decent amount of autonomy in how they unwind. As long as they're fit, healthy, cover other aspects of their lives, and aren't exposed to toxic content, they need chance to unwind without external pressure. Micro-managing does not result in healthy outcomes down the line either.

Why not sit him down and talk about him choosing other activities to add in, and you dropping your limits a bit if he’s doing other stuff. Also breaks for his eyes and hands.

Have him build a healthy lifestyle with things he enjoys longterm - can include building games/coding or making cosplay outfits plus walks or gym if games really are his passion. Could include gaming next to a friend and walking to get a pizza or walking to friend’s house if it’s about socializing. Could be biking to and from volunteering or his job. It could be reading, playing piano and winning rowing medals and learning a language, but it doesn’t need to be.

I LOVED Monkey Island so much! Guybrush Threepwood was a total babe 😂

OP, I say this tentatively and you can obviously tell me to fuck off but have you considered asking him about the games he is playing and why he likes them so much?
As someone who was previously opposed to video games - not all games are created equally - some of the higher quality ones really can be a beautiful and emersive experience without constant dopamine hits. They can contain complex characters, interesting character arcs, difficult missions that require a lot of thought and planning, beautifully rendered scenes, heartbreaking storylines, explore certain themes etc. I don’t see it as being any different than getting in to a really good show, but it’s better because the action isn’t happening to you, you’re part of it. It can be hard to understand this if you’re not a gamer.

Very different IMO to spending hours scrolling through TikTok.

The late nights would be a no for me - but DS went to bed before 9 most nights until Y13 so it's not a battle we had.

Aside from that, everything in moderation. Is he playing with school friends online? Is it a mix of games? Most of DS's peer group seemed to self moderate - with a bit of parental persuasion 😆

I'm not happy for anyone in my family to spend hours watching TV either! Or was that your point?

She’s expressing sympathy. That’s not a judgement at all.

I grew up in the 80s-90s and had a c64 and a sega mega drive. I certainly spent 6-8hours playing sonic the hedgehog and monkey island. Unsurprisingly I’m fine. Leave him to it

In my experience they always say all their friends are on there all the time, in reality there’s a couple of children. Depends on other things for me, does he contribute to the house doing chores / etc? Is he doing any socialising in person? It would be a hard no for me if they’re playing that many hours, whilst I was doing everything. And I would be concerned if there was zero in person socialising.

It’s absolutely not the same as watching tv for hours, the games are designed to be addicted.

As an odd day I would let it go, but absolutely not as a regular thing / the whole holidays.

She was being sympathetic OP, I saw no judgment in her post.

I agree the 4-5 hour mark is reasonable. Depending on what they are gaming ot is also social if they are chatting and gaming together with friends. If in the big picture they are doing a variety of things, the a few hours gaming in holiday is fine I think.

And about TV, it is different. TV has no power of engagement. Yes it’s possible to veg & waste hours but the point at which you become bored happens sooner.

Screentime, for all of us, is enticing and laced with dopamine hits, so we are drawn in more & more & it gets harder to stop, and we can feel shit when we do.

OP, this all makes sense to me too.

However, reluctantly, I also have to recognise my DC are different to me. I was / am v academic (my DSs will I hope do fine at school / university but they don’t have that interest I did), I’m a do-er, always going. That’s my way to relax.

Thankfully we are all sporty so we have that in common, but when they are not playing sports, they would do … nothing.

On balance, I think you are right to keep pushing. With my DS, I have insisted on outdoor time before 12 - run, park with friends, GAA club (we’re in Ireland). They moan & complain BUT are better for it & I can live with the screens a bit then. And my youngest is significantly less dysregulated then.

We are parents & have to keep doing what we think is best, taking the chance it will be wrong.

in your case, I might insist on eg an hour’s cooking with you for family dinner but then let him at the gaming for 4 hours (but not longer).

But he doesn’t want to do those things and you can’t make him. I loved to read when I was younger and it’s disappointing that my 2 dc don’t, I try to encourage them but they just won’t. Maybe do things as a family that gets him out of the house and away from the computer. At the end of the day, it’s not the worst thing in the world, as long as he’s respectful, it’s not affecting his sleep or school grades, you need to accept that it’s his thing or you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

Do you encourage any of that? Did you book music lessons when he was younger, do you teach him to cook and expect him to prepare meals etc?

This is kind of where we are - the grades for his A Level mocks indicate that he is studying the right amount and I know that he is gaming with friends he knows in real life - chatting over discord, sometimes they are all watching a TV programme together - they just aren’t in the same physical room. Because of the large catchment for schools and their 6th form college many of them live some distance away and whilst I am happy to uber my kids and their friends, many of their friends parents aren’t (shift work/travelling, wanting a glass of wine, sometimes just being a dick etc) and public transport seems useless where we are unless you are commuting into London - it takes over 1hr 40mins via train to do a journey that is 13-15mins by parental uber.

So long as the tech is off by midnight, grades are maintained and they are interacting with real life friends, I am now quite relaxed.

Agree with the wider picture - mine is on his a lot this holiday but it’s cold wet and rainy outside and he will go out when he can. He’ll be chatting to all his friends on there. I agree though it dos feel like a lot some days - we only intervene and remove things if he’s not behaving well at school

OP, every word you say resonates with me.

3 teens, my DD never a problem around reasonable use of screens, my two DSs, 16 & 14, nightmare.

Both v sporty so that naturally regulates it but it absolutely impacts mood, communication & honestly, their brains. Both are bright, but significantly under-performing in school. Youngest has various issues, and regulation is one, worsened by unlimited time on screens.

So, they have limits. And we battle. And they say exactly what your DS does. And they do everything in their power to get around the screen time limits. Causing more rows.

All I can say is that at my core, I feel I can’t entirely leave them to it. I will continue to fight the battle. However, I flip / flop all the time and am not ever getting it right. I’m sure I’ll see it differently in hindsight. But for now I muddle on.

I really do empathise & feel your pain.