Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just can’t deal with my dad.

41 replies

Dontknowwhattodoaboutdad · 26/12/2025 07:02

I just don’t know what to do about my dad. I just have no solution.

He’s late 80’s but in good health. However he gets upset stomachs and IBS (not diagnosed but I think it is). He lives alone. He eats crap. In his room here there are endless cans of coke, crisps, chocolate bars, biscuits that he has binged on.

Last year he had some health scares and we tried to get him to move out of his house, into something more manageable, with lots of people around him. He absolutely refuses, but then constantly moans that we aren’t cleaning, gardening or maintaining his house for him.

Anyway, he has come to stay with me for Christmas, and he’s not feeling great. He’s gone to bed at 9.pm, got up at 1100 and just complained the rest of the time and been irritable. We waited till 1000 to open presents with him then he said he wasn’t getting up.

On one hand I feel bad as he’s elderly and not feeling well. On the other, our Christmas fell flat like a pancake because he just brought the atmosphere down. Today will be a repeat.

Last year was a shocker. We lost a young beloved family member (not my dad’s relative) and my dad’s attitude just really annoys me.

He spent all day yesterday calling up his friends and other relatives moaning about his ailments and about us (siblings and I).

He has his phone on speaker and he called someone up, told them he had been put in a rubbish bedroom (double bed with en-suite!), basically said he didn’t really want to be here, complained about my sibling who does loads for him, and I heard the other caller refer to me as “she” (say with venomous tone) and why didn’t I do this, or that for him. I felt like walking in and saying “why are you slagging me off?”, but I actually was past caring.

My dad has had a really great, privileged (spare cash, loads of love, married a few times and relatives in abundance) life, but he’s turned into a snarky, bitter, miserable man who is causing us all a lot of stress.

Usually when you have a problem, there is a solution you can work towards. I just don’t see one here. I’m stumped. His stubbornness to help himself, and his constant complaining is wearing me down.

Also, again, I’m coming across as horrible. Why does he just constantly talk about his minor ailments? He doesn’t have anything big wrong with him. Why do I need to hear for hours on end about a stiff shoulder, itchy penis, dehydrated urine, sore toe, slightly blocked nose (must go the doctor), cholesterol levels. Then when it’s not about him it’s about Dave, Margaret or Betty who had to go to the doctor. It’s constant negative health talk and I'm exhausted from it.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Purplecatshopaholic · 27/12/2025 15:30

See him less. Speak to him less. On no account have the mean-spirited selfish man to stay. You and your whole family will be happier. Don’t be guilted into things, you don’t owe him anything. Life really is too short and he won’t change op.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/12/2025 15:29

You really should learn not to give a toss about what his bitter entourage think

Yes, this too @regista

I learned the hard way how to shut people like this up, by commenting politely that they "obviously felt strongly about it", leaving them to rant for a bit, then remarking that I was surprised they'd reached such a conclusion with no reference at all to me

Confused and embarrassed stares all round ...

Dragonfly97 · 27/12/2025 15:23

Dontknowwhattodoaboutdad · 26/12/2025 07:20

I’ve got other relatives coming over today. It should be a day of fun and laughter.

I really hope it doesn’t become a new, fresh set of ears for him to offload his ailments to.

I can’t do this next year. I just can’t. I’m also angry that he was slagging me off to other relatives coming. He bad mouths us around the family and his friends and neighbours. One neighbour told me that another neighbour wanted my number to call me up and tell me off for neglecting him.

Edited

My dad is similar, like you I spent years helping him after mum died, and the more I did for him the less he thought of me. So when menopause hit my eyes were opened to the unfairness of the situation, and I realised I didn't have to put up with his treatment any longer, and I dropped the rope.

I stopped letting it affect me by taking a step back and refusing to engage with him. I'd phone an ambulance for him, but nothing else. Don't let your dad get away with treating you like this; you don't owe him anything.

regista · 27/12/2025 14:49

I would definitely give him a barbed invite next year "don't want to put pressure on you, I know you were so unhappy last year, yes might be best if you stay home..." you really should learn not to give a toss about what his bitter entourage think, but if you care, perhaps send them a Christmas card to neighbours step children etc setting out that you are so grateful to them for keeping an eye on him, and you know he thinks a lot of them as he talks about them often, he's happiest at home so has turned down your invite for Christmas this year but you might see them when you are next up and if you don't see them then you'll hear their news from dad when you're taking him to appointments etc...feels as though you know them well even if you don't see them often. Basically come across as lovely. He sounds like a nightmare - if they have any wit they will work it out.

Original poster
Dontknowwhattodoaboutdad · 27/12/2025 13:53

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/12/2025 12:57

Next year I’m just going to leave him to it

Very wise of you, @Dontknowwhattodoaboutdad - only when you do, couch it as doing him a favour and remind him how "sick he was of the lot of you", how he "didn't want to be there" and in such an "awful room" and the rest

From his POV it'll give him something fresh to moan about, but those who know what he's like won't care and those who aren't so aware don't matter

That awful room with the double bed and the en-suite.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontknowwhattodoaboutdad · 27/12/2025 13:51

AprilinPortugal · 27/12/2025 13:21

It was lovely of you to have him over, but could it be that he really wanted to just stay at home? If he's late 80s and health not 100 percent then it might have been too much for him to come to yours, given how full on Christmas can be. Perhaps that's why he shouted at your relative for bringing him? It does sound like you are all very good to him but maybe he just wanted to stay in his surroundings. No excuse for him to be mean to you all though!

Well next year he’ll get his wish.

The thing is, last year he told everyone and his wife that no one invited him, and he had unknown neighbours asking poor him round. He had 3 offers from our family but said no.

He accepted this year. It’s an invitation, not a summons.

OP posts:
AprilinPortugal · 27/12/2025 13:21

It was lovely of you to have him over, but could it be that he really wanted to just stay at home? If he's late 80s and health not 100 percent then it might have been too much for him to come to yours, given how full on Christmas can be. Perhaps that's why he shouted at your relative for bringing him? It does sound like you are all very good to him but maybe he just wanted to stay in his surroundings. No excuse for him to be mean to you all though!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/12/2025 12:57

Next year I’m just going to leave him to it

Very wise of you, @Dontknowwhattodoaboutdad - only when you do, couch it as doing him a favour and remind him how "sick he was of the lot of you", how he "didn't want to be there" and in such an "awful room" and the rest

From his POV it'll give him something fresh to moan about, but those who know what he's like won't care and those who aren't so aware don't matter

Stompythedinosaur · 27/12/2025 12:41

He sounds nasty, you do t have any obligation to host him in future! I would absolutely call him out on every time you hear him slagging you off. Let him stay home! I imagine the people he complains to will soon discover what he's really like!

It doesn't sound like he adds anything to your life. Can you just stop seeing him?

Holesintheground · 27/12/2025 12:04

right in front of me he started talking about his step kids and how they are like his real children to him

'Dad we'll let you have Christmas with your real family next year then'. And do it. In the meantime, say you'll drive him home as he's not happy here.

SeaToSki · 27/12/2025 11:57

Take him home early since he is so unhappy, and tell him that you heard him on the phone and that is why you know he is unhappy.

ChikinLikin · 27/12/2025 11:44

Please make this the last year you host this manipulative, nasty man.

NormasArse · 27/12/2025 10:44

Take a photo of his terrible room and tell her you heard the conversation.

Ask whether she’d like to host next year, as nothing you do seems to be good enough.

RememberBeKindWithKaren · 27/12/2025 10:38

I know it sounds draining and it's awful to be under the pressure of being almost your parent's parent.

Just feel you should be aware if he is developing dementia it's not necessarily easy to spot.. People's taste changes a lot when they age as well. MY mum used to eat healthily but chocolate and coca cola she can't get enough of these days. People tend to prefer sweeter food as they get older.

Repeating things endlessly goes with the territory. It's so tiring. My mum makes up short dities/ poems and repeats them endlessly to her grandkids and we all pretend to be amazed. It is draining..

If it's possible you're dealing with dementia then you should try and talk to his GP.. Make sure they have recorded you on their system so they'll talk to you.

Ritaskitchen · 27/12/2025 10:37

Sound v similar to my DF. Unfortunately men have a strong tendency to get grumpy as they get older. If they don’t watch and curb it then it can get bad.
i just ignore it now or respond breezily or make vague mumming noises or non committal answers.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 27/12/2025 10:37

"Dad, I heard you telling Xxx how miserable you are being here for Christmas and how uncomfortable your room is. I'm so sorry. Why don't I give her a call and suggest that she has you for Christmas next year?"

Sneesellsseashells · 27/12/2025 10:35

There are some people who are absolutely skilled at manipulating others to meet their needs by playing on guilt and empathy. Your Dad sounds like one of those types. Once your realise you are best off putting in significant boundaries with them.

Original poster
Dontknowwhattodoaboutdad · 27/12/2025 10:29

I am absolutely sick of this self indulgent, selfish man.

So I went to bed early on Christmas night and he had his door open and was on loud speaker with one of his ex wife’s DC. He basically slagged me and my family off and said he’s been put in a crap room and wasn’t comfortable. He’s been going to bed every night at 9pm, and getting up at 11am. Caller was listening and commenting “oh did she”, “oh that’s terrible etc.” I don’t like be MH referred to as “she” with a bitter tone.

So where is this woman this Christmas? Where was she when he had to be taken to doctor and hospital appointments? Nowhere. It was me and my sister.

I am so f*cking furious with him.

Yesterday my DHs family came over for lunch. Both his parents are unwell with nasty diseases (and don’t complain) and they hadn’t even sat down before he went off on a 45 minute rant about his every minute affliction, and then onto everyone else’s afflictions that they have and who’s in hospital and dying. Then, right in front of me he started talking about his step kids and how they are like his real children to him. I was deeply embarrassed as I know from previous conversations with my MIL, who is very “blood is everything”, because I know that she would think that was a really awful thing to say in front of me.

Anyway, I didn’t let this ruin my Christmas. It nearly did. One guest staying with me offered to leave as he was stressing DH and I out, but then stayed. My dad went to his room last night about 8pm and is still there. When I went to see if he wanted anything he was upset and sheepish because no one was paying him any attention.

I just cannot do this again.

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 26/12/2025 10:14

He actually sounds vile. I know a lot of elderly relatives tend to repeat the same stories and go on about health, that's part of for the course. But being absolutely poisonous to you and your siblings, talking badly and telling lies about you in your own home - well, I'd be dropping the rope. Don't have him next year, visit him then leave, allow him to stew in his own juice. He's going to moan about you anyway whether you host him or not.

thepariscrimefiles · 26/12/2025 10:05

Perfectly nice and decent people are alone on Christmas Day. Your dad is the opposite of nice and decent yet he still gets invited. He badmouths you and your siblings on loud speaker in your own home.

Stop inviting him and let the toxic relative that he was speaking to have the pleasure of his company.

Your dad can only behave in this way because you accept it.

This is more than him just being elderly and a bit annoying. He is actively malevolent and cruel. Stop enabling him and let him deal with the consequences of his own actions.

SilverPink · 26/12/2025 09:54

He sounds dreadful. Stop doing any cleaning or gardening. If he needs it doing find him a cleaner or gardener and he can pay.
I wouldn’t invite him next Christmas. How
far away does he live? I’d just say we’re not doing Xmas this year dad, so I’ll pop round Xmas Eve/Boxing Day with your gifts and have a coffee.

chesterelly1 · 26/12/2025 09:19

I can identify with the phone call thing. My dad pocket dialled me when he was in hospital and I overheard a whole woe is me tale about how hard done by he is, how awful I am etc etc. probably best thing to happen as it really hardened my resolve in dealing with him. If he became unpleasant I’d say tell him I don’t need this and leave. If I offered to do something or take him somewhere and he was negative I’d say that’s ok no problem instead of the cajoling, pacifying and letting things descend into arguments. Most importantly I realised that maybe I wasn’t being a particularly good daughter but I was a better one than he deserved. I made sure that those who mattered to me understood that, as for everyone else - if they fell for the woe is me act - well more fool them.

Soonenough · 26/12/2025 09:16

Elderly uncle complained about his lot to anyone who would listen to him . Tell people he was all alone and no family around . The reality is that he was visited daily by various relatives with his meals, shopped for , carers twice a day . He felt alone because all his contemporaries and his siblings were dead.
Anybody with any experience of elderly people know this is common . But he can be told that he needs to make an effort to be pleasant.

ChikinLikin · 26/12/2025 08:28

It's awful that your sibling is ill with the stress of it. What a horrible man he is. Make a plan of action with your siblings as to how to deal with him. Encourage your stressed sibling to talk things through and let go of any guilt.
Fuck him.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 26/12/2025 08:16

Dontknowwhattodoaboutdad · 26/12/2025 07:53

It is genuine. In fact I’m giving you the short version!

My siblings, and close relatives know the real story. His neighbours and my step siblings think differently of us.

I did have a 2-hour coffee with one of his neighbours (who knows everyone) recently and I informed her about what we’d tried to do to make his life more comfortable (literally move him to bungalow or ground floor flat with garden in next street and help him do all the admin and move etc.) and he flat refused. Plus told her about Christmas offer every year.

Show quote history

Well done! Keep that up. It will gradually become apparent to them all. I wouldn’t bother with the step DCs. They have a vested interest in believing him.