To be so fucking thankful I'm single?

It’s funny there is a saying: “Single women keep other women single.”

I always found the opposite to be true. So many of the married / partnered women who post here make relationships sound unappealing. And that’s including the ones who aren’t complaining (like a different OP who thought it was “normal”
that male partners did zero housework and the woman did it all.)

YANBU.I totally agree with you. I have been single for just over 8 years now. After the end of my last relationship (4.5 years I really regret that I will never get back) I decided enough was enough. I'm now 62 and I honestly never intend to get romantically involved with anyone again. I'm totally done with men. Such a relief!

A few people have mentioned that the women in happy relationships with men won't come onto MN to speak about that. True, but it's also worth noting that it goes both ways. The complaints we see here from women, about men, are just the tip of the iceberg. Not every woman experiencing some brand of bullshit is on MN, and even if they use MN or other online portals, they won't all speak up. As we also know, women are very good at minimising the nonsense they have to put up with because the alternative means saying it out loud... then probably not being able to ignore the reality of their awful relationship quite so effectively.

Those who really are with one of the good ones, and by a good one, I'm not talking about Mister Bare Minimum Man (because these seem to get lumped into the same 'good ones' bracket too), are in a minority.

Most of us will not find the love we desire from a relationship with a man, but the danger is that as women we are often incredibly proficient in making excuses for men and contorting ourselves into various shapes to kid ourselves that "we're working through it", which usually translates as "he fucked up, I'm compromising yet again, he isn't changing at all, but I will be manipulated into taking a portion of the blame for insert awful incident and then I can make it work".

A good friend once said to me, "I'm no longer fixing what I haven't broken. Instead, I'm letting it fall apart". That's always stuck with me, and towards the end of my dating days, I lived by that until I realised that every single relationship or dating experience is another brief season in life that I'll inevitably have to call time on. It was pointless.

For those with a genuine unicorn, you are very, very lucky. There are not enough to go around for all of us.

Many of us, once we get to our 40s and beyond (and for some women who are far more savvy than I was when I was younger who reach this point at an earlier age), we make peaceful lives for ourselves as singles. I'm absolutely with you, OP.

Wasting time on trying to find that unicorn feels like a terrible waste of time; there are friendships to enjoy (incidentally, my friendships with women have always been full of joy, sharing, generosity, empathy - a far cry from how it feels to be with a man), hobbies and careers to delve into, a peaceful home to relax in, and lots of other really lovely things in life to create a great and fulfilling life.

MN would cure most of wanting a relationship, even more so having children with an abusive arsehole.

I’ve been single a while. I’d love to meet someone decent but until I do, I’m staying single. I have a good life and not settling just because society feels more comfortable when a woman is in a relationship.

And also how men can change after you’ve had children and you end up feeling trapped until you can get out, which can take time.

Great, likewise - I'm quite happy just me and the cat!

It seems people just don't really have staying power any more - I'm not talking about abusive relationships, which of course need to end, but for example one on another current thread where the OP is wanting divorce after 20 years because her DH isn't much use around the house - the solution there of course is easy, hire a cleaner/housekeeper. The net result of that is both will be fiscally buggered in their mid 40's.

i don’t think it’s a “lack of staying power”, it’s that women increasingly won’t put up with crap relationships with substandard men who can’t be arsed to put in any of the mental effort (preferring to be told what to do: “Of course I’ll do things, you just need to tell me what they are!”) or who deliberately ruin things to show that they can or behave like petulant children when they aren’t the centre of attention. It would be interesting to hear these men be made to explain themselves, although I expect they’d just shrug and say they don’t know why they do it, or deny that they do. It’s what my ex did.

As for “Oh it’s so obvious, they just need to get a cleaner!”…Jesus wept. It’s not about the cleaning, it never is but the men in question never look beyond the superficial issue that they think just needs a quick fix. It’s to do with the lack of equality and effort and bloody thought. And even if a cleaner was the answer, guess who’ll end up organising it? 🙄

Statistically women are happier single and men happier in a couple - yes, because a significant proportion of men expect women to run their lives for them while still wanting to be some outdated “Big Man Of The House” to whom everyone defers. Women have a choice not to put up with that now and by God are we exercising it if we want to.

I dont hate men - I have plenty I'm friends with - I just dont want to live with once. In my experience, once a man sees you as "his", and once there is no drama/ no chase anymore - as soon as he thinks you will not/ can not leave he starts taking you for granted.

Every one of my relationships ended in affair. Not mine.

Another one who loves their own company and will never have a relationship with a man ever again.

A lot of people don't feel the need to tell the world they're in happy relationships. For those who aren't, I hope you can make it better/ escape it before long.

Tbf, people in very happy relationships rarely post about them.

And on the other hand there are plenty of single people who have struggled with being alone at Xmas and I’ve read plenty of posts from people who are single and struggling this time of the year, people with good partners don’t post about it.

Been single for over a year, and living alone for 11 years now, I absolutely love it, can't see myself being in a serious relationship ever.
I don't hate men, I just love my own company.

I always want to balance these kinds of threads with my own experience but never do for fear of sounding smug. I left a marriage with a nice but boring man after almost twenty years and met someone new in my mid forties who has made me happier than I’ve ever been and I’d like to think he feels the same. We share housework and life admin and take care of each other. He snores, he swears and he’s not perfect but neither am I and I’d not want to be without him. Being in a relationship isn’t for everyone but neither is being single. All men aren’t perfwct but neither are all women.

Maybe but you must admit it does prove a useful counterpoint to the “can’t be happy unless your in a relationship, any man is better than none” narrative which you’ll find in most other walks of life.

I don’t know why they continue to be with a person if they are so awful. My late DH (sadly died suddenly after seven years married) was wonderful and generous to a fault. My own father was the same, though in a different way. My DH did all the cooking on Christmas Day and he was a tidy cook too so not much cleaning up to do other than the plates we ate from and serving dishes. He didn’t get involved in decorating the house but did get the tree up, bought the presents for his family and paid for it all!
I’ve been single since he died though - he was such a lovely man hard to imagine finding anyone with the same qualities. I’d much rather be on my own than settle.

I don't know, there are so many threads about horrendous Christmas right now, where the men got angry, stressed, unpleasant, sulky...

BUT it starts with: he was doing the turkey wrong/ he was in charge in cooking but I didn't like the way he planned/ he wanted to do that kind of vegetables/ he wanted to eat the wrong crackers/ he used the wrong plates to lay the table because he preferred the other ones..

Just read all the Christmas moan threads!

A lot of over-reaction, but so many women who complain sound like complete nightmare to start with. Reverse it: I am trying to cook in the kitchen and DH is constantly behind my back criticising and complaining that I am doing it wrong!
If DH is cooking, offer to help and go do something else if you're not needed?

Men just aren't very good at doing Christmas
why, because for example he doesn't bother sending cards? Many MN posters are the same. If he's waiting for the wife to send them, it's unreasonable. If he wouldn't send them full stop, and the wife takes it upon herself to send 200 cards, why should he be blamed? I am a woman, I don't send cards!

If being good at Christmas is being a martyr, I think the "men" might have it right.

Sometimes it sounds like men are simply less patient and don't put up with constant nagging and criticism, when women in the same situation come to MN to rant.

Agree. I'm actually v happily married now but had very long periods of being single. Better to be single than in a relationship with a complete arse.

I could never understand friends who carried on in relationships with men that they really didn't like for fear of being single. They seemed to have to line up the next boyfriend before finishing with the current one.

Yep.
I'm single, just me and my daughter, always has been since her father changed his mind when I was pregnant and left for another woman.
I have nice men in my life. I have lovely brothers and friends.
But I will never have a man in my house or anything resembling a serious relationship again because I'm absolutely through with it.

I've been single for years, and absolutely 💯 % love it.
No kids no man no pets no drama no compromising no asking questions.

I can be selfish all I want.

Same OP, same.

A lot of my friends are on second marriages/families, and all they do is moan about them too. Like why did you start all over again?!

What gets me on here isn't so much the OPs who post about obviously horrific relationships who are advised to leave - as PP have pointed out above, we all know that actually abusive relationships aren't the only kind available, and when posters want to leave abusive men, this site is a great resource for support and information.

What I find really depressing is the constant casual references in replies to posts where it turns out that SO MANY posters are treated like servants/appliances/an afterthought by their "D"Hs, and the posters write about it like it's just completely normal and expected. Things along the lines of:

"Men just aren't very good at doing Christmas (could be about food, presents, cards, wrapping, cleaning, dealing with his own family, etc.) so if you want him to take part, you'll need to give him more guidance."

"In our house we've always just divided the tasks - we both work full time, and I take care of the house and sort everything for the DCs. He cleans the car, mows the lawn and does the DIY. Sometimes I'm run ragged with it but men just don't see the mess, do they?"

"I can't imagine being so precious about my birthday as an adult as to care what my husband writes in my card - consider yourself lucky you got a card. And DH hasn't felt the need to say he loves me in 20 years, we're not soppy like that."

And so on and so on and so on. If people pick up on the posts that hint at these awful seams of disrespect and lack of care/love running through these marriages, the posters tend to get defensive, annoyed, use the rolling eyes emoji, make a joke, or say that the person responding is needy or pathetic. It's just so horribly depressing to see, time and time again.