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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this me or not?

59 replies

Horseskeepmesane · 25/12/2025 18:52

Guest at mil today with my kids and oh and oh’s brother and wife and their kids, all primary age kids. Sil turns up and has brought dessert, cheeses and pate with her,towards the meal, I am shocked as no mention was made to me about contributing at all, I feel really hurt and cut out by this, Aibu?

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 25/12/2025 20:04

my mum never wants me to take anything, but I always used to send a restaurant voucher when they got out and about more. Now i’ll send something via amazon for me mum, though i’ll be hosting in future. Guess your SIL asked, you didn’t. Maybe in the past MIL been able to absorb cost, but cost of living is high. You should offer every year as cost of hosting adds up, plus it’s so much work. Buy her an afternoon tea voucher or something.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 25/12/2025 20:04

I was always taught that you bring something when invited to someone’s house. Wine, flowers, nice biscuits etc. You know most people will say ‘just bring yourself’ but it’s nice to bring a small gift. This is on you.

ChocoChocoLatte · 25/12/2025 19:48

We never go anywhere empty handed…..

Mummyslittlegiraffe · 25/12/2025 19:46

I’m going against the grain here, I get very annoyed when people bring food which needs consuming within a few days, or they expect to be consumed at that meal that wasn’t agreed. I’ve planned the menu, portions etc and don’t want to have loads leftover or throw things out. It also feels rude to send stuff home. Flowers or drinks is fine, eve chocolates tbh I’m fussy about and wouldn’t want unless the knew my tastes.

FuzzyWolf · 25/12/2025 19:42

FuzzyWolf · 25/12/2025 19:36

I suspect you are judging based on your family and projecting that to a massive misassumption.

My brother takes huge amounts to his in laws and my DH is always the one who does the shopping for extras before our Christmas trips to family.

Show quote history

I wasn’t judging, just answering your query which is nothing like swings and roundabouts.

Sasgatchewyn · 25/12/2025 19:40

I can't imagine turning up at someone's house for Christmas dinner without some sort of contribution. What was your DH thinking?

You have a cheek feeling cut-out when it's your family who has been totally thoughtless towards his mother.

Theslummymummy · 25/12/2025 19:40

FuzzyWolf · 25/12/2025 19:36

I suspect you are judging based on your family and projecting that to a massive misassumption.

My brother takes huge amounts to his in laws and my DH is always the one who does the shopping for extras before our Christmas trips to family.

Show quote history

And you're judging based on your own experience so it's swings and round abouts really.

FuzzyWolf · 25/12/2025 19:36

RudolphTheReindeer · 25/12/2025 19:30

I wonder how many men contribute something when going to their mils for a meal.

I suspect you are judging based on your family and projecting that to a massive misassumption.

My brother takes huge amounts to his in laws and my DH is always the one who does the shopping for extras before our Christmas trips to family.

RitaFires · 25/12/2025 19:35

I would be surprised if it wasn't usual for anyone to bring dishes and I'd probably wonder if MIL had eased up her rules or if SIL had taken it upon herself to bring food but I wouldn't feel hurt or excluded. What's your relationship with the in-laws usually like that you leapt to feeling hurt and cut out by someone else contributing to the meal?

Theslummymummy · 25/12/2025 19:31

You're hurt and feel cut out? Perhaps she just used her iniative and realised food for an entire family doesn't just turn up in the fridge overnight. Yeah it's you.

RudolphTheReindeer · 25/12/2025 19:30

I wonder how many men contribute something when going to their mils for a meal.

FuzzyWolf · 25/12/2025 19:29

You don’t ask if you need to contribute because that sounds rude. You ask what you can bring and if told nothing, take drinks and other edibles or flowers.

Surely you didn’t take absolutely nothing at all? If so, I agree that the feeling is probably embarrassment and not hurt. I’d be mortified.

bunnypenny · 25/12/2025 19:25

Hurt is a weird emotion to feel in this situation.

Ponoka7 · 25/12/2025 19:25

So has the MIL's son come with contributions? Perhaps she felt more comfortable asking her son and not a DIL. Where is your DP? Is he a ex?

Brefugee · 25/12/2025 19:24

I wonder if MILs son is worrying like this....

Poms · 25/12/2025 19:23

Yeah, turning up empty handed is generally not the done thing.

VickyEadieofThigh · 25/12/2025 19:22

Are you sure you're hurt, OP?

I'd be embarrassed in your place.

Mauro711 · 25/12/2025 19:21

Do you mean you showed with absolutely nothing? Not even a bottle of wine? I would always bring something even if they say it’s not needed. Preferably something they can keep for a later date if needed.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 25/12/2025 19:17

Even if they say no don't bring anything, you never turn up at someone's house to be fed, especially on Christmas Day, without taking something.

Drinks, alcoholic or not, mints for after dinner, nice chocolate biscuits. I mean, there's a million things you could've taken.

fishfingerbutty · 25/12/2025 19:12

It’s stingy and ill mannered to turn up empty handed when invited to any meal in another person’s home, let alone Christmas dinner.
Surely you’d at least take some good wine and chocolates.

Cherry8809 · 25/12/2025 19:09

I would never dream of turning up empty-handed, whether it’s a family Christmas get together or a dinner party with friends.

And I wouldn’t have to ask or be told either.

InfoSecInTheCity · 25/12/2025 19:02

Yeah you need to ask, and in a way that doesn’t sound begrudging so not ‘do you need me to bring something?’, you say ‘I’d really like to bring something, what would be best?’

vanillalattes · 25/12/2025 19:02

Your DH should have offered to contribute. You probably aren't expected to contribute as you're a guest.

Only2daystogo · 25/12/2025 19:00

Maybe SIL said let me lighten the load and bring x, y and z. I know you asked in the past but did you ask this year?

Ineedanewsofa · 25/12/2025 19:00

I always show up with something, even the host has said not to bother. Usually it’s wine and flowers but at Xmas I’d probably go wine and chocs/mince pies/biscuits…
I was brought up that it’s not polite to show up empty handed, so I don’t

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