Is this me or not?

Horseskeepmesane · 2025-12-25T18:52:12+00:00

Guest at mil today with my kids and oh and oh’s brother and wife and their kids, all primary age kids. Sil turns up and has brought dessert, cheeses and pate with her,towards the meal, I am shocked as no mention was made to me about contributing at all, I feel really hurt and cut out by this, Aibu?

CuboidRectangle · 26/12/2025 04:51

Theslummymummy · 25/12/2025 22:08

Calm down

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What a bizarre response to a PP talking about their perspective.

Ohpleeeease · 26/12/2025 03:43

If she wasn’t asked, her contribution may actually have been unwelcome as it will have taken up precious fridge space.

I’m not sure I understand your reaction, it sounds a little bit competitive.

JMSA · 26/12/2025 03:14

And yet, you’re the one who’s feeling hard done to 🤯
YABU.

JMSA · 26/12/2025 03:14

Never in a million years would I turn up empty handed.

PollyBell · 26/12/2025 00:51

We always check what they need and check again on the way there of anyone has forgotten anything we can pick it up but we still take something even if it a box of biscuits or something for them later after everyone has gone home

But it does not have to be some weird political thing

ToKittyornottoKitty · 26/12/2025 00:48

Horseskeepmesane · 25/12/2025 21:33

No my husbands brothers wife turned up having made desserts, cheese etc, aparrently she just told mil she was doing it she didn’t get asked to.

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So why do you feel hurt and cut out? Pointlessly dramatic

SouthernNights59 · 26/12/2025 00:42

Theslummymummy · 25/12/2025 22:06

I didn't have a query. They commented based on their experience, and you called them out for it, ironically based on yours. Which is exactly swings and round abouts.

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It's not swings and roundabouts as the second poster only made their comment in response to the first (idiotic) one. Why people need to derail threads with all this "what about men" nonsense is beyond me.

(and yes, if my exDH and I had turned up with food it would have been all his doing rather than mine!)

mamajong · 26/12/2025 00:09

Seems like an over reaction. Rather than ask IF i can bring anything i tend to ask 'what shall i bring' as I always assume I'll bring something, i might even suggest a dish or 2 and if they say nothing then i will take drinks and maybe flowers for the host.

I cant tell if you did ask this time and were told nothing, if so youre off the hook, maybe SIL especially wanted to contribute and they had it covered. If you assumed based on previous conversations then its on you, its good manners to offer each time imo so just do that next time.

I do think you are over reacting though, someone else bringing food is hardly a slight on you?!

DedododoDedadada · 25/12/2025 22:23

Horseskeepmesane · 25/12/2025 21:17

Yes she is much more forward than me, also we did bring things with us chocolates, a plant, gifts from kids. I think it’s me who has misread this situation, my fault

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It could just as easily have been your sil that misjudged. I think it is quite an individual thing with different people having different expectations on what is expected both as a host and as a guest. Personally as a host, I would want to plan the whole meal rather than have sometime else do pudding but I also know, that for others or different occasions, others contributing works better.

Crinkle77 · 25/12/2025 22:22

You're over thinking it OP. Don't worry about it. It's done now. If I was hosting I wouldn't expect anyone to bring anything or if I wanted them to I'd tell them what to bring.

Eenameenadeeka · 25/12/2025 22:13

In my family, everyone brings something - it's not asked it's just what we do. I do see it as good manners to bring something even if they said not to worry. My husband's family come to us and they don't bring anything. You said you have children so you've been together a while? What usually happens for meals?

Theslummymummy · 25/12/2025 22:08

MNQueenofAllSheSurveys · 25/12/2025 20:55

I know we're all different but I'd be embarrassed and feel very awkward if a guest gave me a voucher for hosting them. No one has to pay for their plate in my house and Id be very uncomfortable to receive anything other than gifts for the table on the day

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Calm down

Theslummymummy · 25/12/2025 22:06

FuzzyWolf · 25/12/2025 19:42

I wasn’t judging, just answering your query which is nothing like swings and roundabouts.

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I didn't have a query. They commented based on their experience, and you called them out for it, ironically based on yours. Which is exactly swings and round abouts.

Brefugee · 25/12/2025 21:53

MIL/FIL have raised 2 lazy fuckers

Original poster

Horseskeepmesane · 25/12/2025 21:33

Ecrire · 25/12/2025 21:25

So your brother in law showed up with food and your husband didn’t?

don’t see how the wives come into it.

No my husbands brothers wife turned up having made desserts, cheese etc, aparrently she just told mil she was doing it she didn’t get asked to.

OP posts:

Ecrire · 25/12/2025 21:25

So your brother in law showed up with food and your husband didn’t?

don’t see how the wives come into it.

Original poster

Horseskeepmesane · 25/12/2025 21:17

DedododoDedadada · 25/12/2025 20:48

Is your sister in law pushier? It may be that she was also told not to bring anything but insisted and your mil gave in.

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Yes she is much more forward than me, also we did bring things with us chocolates, a plant, gifts from kids. I think it’s me who has misread this situation, my fault

OP posts:

Zanatdy · 25/12/2025 21:05

MNQueenofAllSheSurveys · 25/12/2025 20:55

I know we're all different but I'd be embarrassed and feel very awkward if a guest gave me a voucher for hosting them. No one has to pay for their plate in my house and Id be very uncomfortable to receive anything other than gifts for the table on the day

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I guess you need to know your audience. My parents never treated themselves to a nice meal, and really enjoyed going for a nice meal in January. It was always posted afterwards, not given during the meal. They appreciated it.

Brefugee · 25/12/2025 21:04

I would be embarrassed to have a DH who didn't sort this prior to a visit to his mum. At least he needs a convo with op about it. (Especially if she is habitually treated as an outsider.)

Tell your DH he needs to be on top of this in future.

MNQueenofAllSheSurveys · 25/12/2025 20:55

Zanatdy · 25/12/2025 20:04

my mum never wants me to take anything, but I always used to send a restaurant voucher when they got out and about more. Now i’ll send something via amazon for me mum, though i’ll be hosting in future. Guess your SIL asked, you didn’t. Maybe in the past MIL been able to absorb cost, but cost of living is high. You should offer every year as cost of hosting adds up, plus it’s so much work. Buy her an afternoon tea voucher or something.

I know we're all different but I'd be embarrassed and feel very awkward if a guest gave me a voucher for hosting them. No one has to pay for their plate in my house and Id be very uncomfortable to receive anything other than gifts for the table on the day

MNQueenofAllSheSurveys · 25/12/2025 20:52

Horseskeepmesane · 25/12/2025 18:57

The reason I didn’t bring anything is that I’ve asked before if I can contribute in any way and I always get no for an answer. That’s why I’m confused as to why this happened

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What is the shocking or confusing part?

You weren't asked to take anything , you didn't ask if anything was needed so took nothing

SIL did something different.

DedododoDedadada · 25/12/2025 20:48

Horseskeepmesane · 25/12/2025 18:57

The reason I didn’t bring anything is that I’ve asked before if I can contribute in any way and I always get no for an answer. That’s why I’m confused as to why this happened

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Is your sister in law pushier? It may be that she was also told not to bring anything but insisted and your mil gave in.

MoominMai · 25/12/2025 20:32

RosesAndHellebores · 25/12/2025 20:14

Are you seriously saying you didn't take a couple of bottles of wine and some chocolates and flowers? It's just basic good manners.

Please tell me you washed up, helped make coffee and kept all the children entertained for an hour. If not, I imagine your ears must be burning.

Yeah I don’t think OP is coming back lol. I think she just accepts the polite refusals at face value.

I agree, I’d never think of turning up for a dinner without something, Be that wine/sparkling fruit juice, chocs etc or even a home made layered fruit bowl - it’s just good manners and this goes for the OH as well as OP.

RosesAndHellebores · 25/12/2025 20:14

Are you seriously saying you didn't take a couple of bottles of wine and some chocolates and flowers? It's just basic good manners.

Please tell me you washed up, helped make coffee and kept all the children entertained for an hour. If not, I imagine your ears must be burning.

momager22 · 25/12/2025 20:05

It can cost hundreds to host a Christmas dinner. Yes you as a couple should take something. DH should ideally sort it out.

you feeling hurt because you didn’t bother us weird though tbh