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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and perfume gift

92 replies

itsaperfumeone · 25/12/2025 13:31

Fully prepared to be told I’m being ungrateful.

DH asked me what I’d like for Christmas. I asked him. I got him what he asked for.

I said I’d really like a specific perfume. It was £90. It’s a lot but A) it was within the price range we agreed on and B) he said he’d get me it.

A few years ago, he got me a perfume for Christmas. I tried it on a few days later and absolutely hated it- he didn’t know beforehand as I’d never had it before, I’d never heard of it, it was just unfortunately not for me. It made me feel quite sick. It’s more Britney Spears perfume price than the one I wanted (although not spears’ perfume). I asked him a while ago could I throw it away as I just wouldn’t wear it and he said that was fine. I apologised profusely but it just was, for me, horrible.

So anyway he told me he was getting me the one I asked for. We have quite a lot in savings, plus agreed a price range for each other. I got him what he asked for. I got another bottle of the perfume that I hate. I was so disappointed. Thankfully I opened it when he was out of the room. He got me two other things I didn’t ask for. I’d asked for the perfume I wanted and a T-shirt from something I like. Just bear in mind I got him things he asked for and a few extra bits too. Don’t really care that I didn’t get the T-shirt but I’m upset about the perfume. AIBU?

OP posts:
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Doteycat · 25/12/2025 21:45

Redburnett · 25/12/2025 15:31

Men are useless with presents, the solution is to buy exactly what you want yourself, get DH to transfer cost to you and give gift to him to wrap (hoping he doesn't forget who it is for and instead gives it to his mother/sister etc.....)

40 years together and 25 years married.
Not ONCE have I had to buy my own Christmas or birthday present.
I mention i fancy something or need something, it turns up s a gift. I don't mention anything? Something thoughtful and loving turns up.

The solution is, be with someone who cares enough. If he wants to, he will.

Id have to say it to him. DH this is the wrong perfume, will.you bring it back or will i?
I wouldn't even entertain the notion that he wouldn't fix this.

ShawnaMacallister · 25/12/2025 21:34

itsaperfumeone · 25/12/2025 19:49

I’ve not mentioned the one he bought me for about three years when I said can I throw it away.

Why not??? Talk to him FGS!

TheEverlastingPorridge · 25/12/2025 20:58

itsaperfumeone · 25/12/2025 19:49

I’ve not mentioned the one he bought me for about three years when I said can I throw it away.

I dont understand this 🤔

Katflapkit · 25/12/2025 20:45

His 'that'll do' mentality is so bloody insulting. You have him a list, he swerved it because of effort or cost or both and you not saying anything means he got away with it whilst scooping up all the things from the list he gave to you. The above poster said men thrive by our silence. It's true.

Tell him this is not perfume you asked for he needs to return it and reorder the one you want.

Lamentingalways · 25/12/2025 20:02

He isn’t stupid
He didn’t forget
He just thinks that it’s perfectly fair to get exactly what he wants from you but to give you cheap stuff that you don’t want. This happened to me a few years in a row. On the last year that it happened I openly derided him in front of everyone and said none of what he has bought is what I would wear and that I had spent way more money than he had (by buying what he asked for) and that I wasn’t happy. Men thrive on our silence. Even the good ones benefit (even if they don’t realise) from our conditioning to smile and be grateful. Mine actually said to me earlier ‘you don’t seem very grateful’ he spent more than me this year but I don’t care because I would quite like it if he left. And I responded that I’m not grateful, I reminded him that I said thank you but that I don’t have to be grateful, just thankful and that I had just spend some money in gym equipment mainly for him. He just scurried off to get a drink 😂 you’ll find it liberating to say something like ‘I hope you didn’t pay £90 for this perfume? It is aimed more at a teenage market / budget.’

Original poster
itsaperfumeone · 25/12/2025 19:49

I’ve not mentioned the one he bought me for about three years when I said can I throw it away.

OP posts:
TryingAgainAgainAgain · 25/12/2025 19:42

missingtwins · 25/12/2025 13:41

This sounds like he possibly got confused as you’d spoken about the one you disliked recently? Is he forgetful? I’d be honest and say you appreciate it but it’s not the one you asked for and you’re going to return / exchange.

Unless he has dementia or learning difficulties, he did this on purpose. He chose to buy not the one OP asked for, but the one she asked for permission to bin. It's passive-aggressive and very unpleasant behaviour.

pambeesleyhalpert · 25/12/2025 19:38

LondonPapa · 25/12/2025 13:48

Have you considered trying perfume before asking for it as a present? You seem intent on asking for what you’ve no clue as to your liking it or not.

Show quote history

Firstly don’t quote the OP it’s ANNOYING. Second Wtaf are you talking about

Unwantedpresents · 25/12/2025 19:36

I've been in this situation before with an ex. He asked what things I wanted for Christmas and even asked me to send links to specific items. I did and got nothing from that list. I got things I wouldn't use and weren't even near the same item as I told him. I swear some people do this on purpose.

cocobanana922 · 25/12/2025 19:34

itsaperfumeone · 25/12/2025 13:31

Fully prepared to be told I’m being ungrateful.

DH asked me what I’d like for Christmas. I asked him. I got him what he asked for.

I said I’d really like a specific perfume. It was £90. It’s a lot but A) it was within the price range we agreed on and B) he said he’d get me it.

A few years ago, he got me a perfume for Christmas. I tried it on a few days later and absolutely hated it- he didn’t know beforehand as I’d never had it before, I’d never heard of it, it was just unfortunately not for me. It made me feel quite sick. It’s more Britney Spears perfume price than the one I wanted (although not spears’ perfume). I asked him a while ago could I throw it away as I just wouldn’t wear it and he said that was fine. I apologised profusely but it just was, for me, horrible.

So anyway he told me he was getting me the one I asked for. We have quite a lot in savings, plus agreed a price range for each other. I got him what he asked for. I got another bottle of the perfume that I hate. I was so disappointed. Thankfully I opened it when he was out of the room. He got me two other things I didn’t ask for. I’d asked for the perfume I wanted and a T-shirt from something I like. Just bear in mind I got him things he asked for and a few extra bits too. Don’t really care that I didn’t get the T-shirt but I’m upset about the perfume. AIBU?

Not unreasonable but why haven't you told him it's the wrong one. Why smile and nod and pretend like its fine when it's not. Use your words and tell him it's the wrong one and ask him why he didn't get you the one you asked for. It could just be simple miscommunciation.

TidyCyan · 25/12/2025 19:32

BauhausOfEliott · 25/12/2025 19:29

Getting given a smaller bottle of something you like is not a remotely similar situation to someone asking you what you would like, then going out and deliberately getting you something you have previously told them you hate instead. Don’t be silly.

Show quote history

He got a bigger bottle than he asked for!

CornishTiger · 25/12/2025 19:31

He needs to send it back. No sugar coating it. You bought me the wrong one. This is the one I hated from a few tears ago and makes me feel ill.

it’s so thoughtless!

gggrrrargh · 25/12/2025 19:30

you are going to tell him it’s the wrong one? It sounds like you’re going for putting in cupboard and feeling disappointed. Then you won’t have your gift!

BauhausOfEliott · 25/12/2025 19:29

ilovepixie · 25/12/2025 17:59

The hypocrisy of Mumsnet is awful. Another thread has a woman complaining her husband is upset he got a different size aftershave than he asked for, the majority of posters are calling him a twat!

Getting given a smaller bottle of something you like is not a remotely similar situation to someone asking you what you would like, then going out and deliberately getting you something you have previously told them you hate instead. Don’t be silly.

BauhausOfEliott · 25/12/2025 19:26

Coffeeishot · 25/12/2025 14:50

I agree i think there has been too much talk of perfume and has switched off, which is an issue does he normally glaze over when you talk?

“Too much talk of perfume”?

He asked her what she’d like for Christmas. She told him. She didn’t give him a two-hour lecture FFS.

localbutterfly · 25/12/2025 19:07

YANBU to be disappointed - you asked for something specific that you knew you'd love and got something that you'd specifically known you dislike and said you do NOT like instead. And this is in the context of each of you telling the other exactly which item to buy. I'd assume he must have made a mistake (maybe checked his notes or emails or however the two of you communicate Christmas gift ideas and accidentally pulled up something from the wrong year) and politely but clearly tell him that this is not the correct perfume and ask him to see if it's exchangeable.

caringcarer · 25/12/2025 18:55

itsaperfumeone · 25/12/2025 15:30

Also he bought it online so not sure how that’d work with a receipt?

If you haven't opened the seal they should refund or exchange.

Frauhubert · 25/12/2025 18:44

Not my husband buying me stinking black orchid third year in a row🤢🤢 I don’t think I have used up 5ml from the first bottle, let alone need a whole new 100ml bottle every year. Pissed off because one,I didn’t ask for a perfume, two it’s from harrods and they do not refund or exchange beauty products at all (tried the first year this occurred) and three, there is a million other perfumes I’d rather get- only if he’d asked.

Dearg · 25/12/2025 18:28

Honestly, I would be telling him that it’s going in the bin. And if he doesn’t want to fix it, in he goes too.

Seriously, it’s not like you asked him to build you a rocket is it?

Cadenza12 · 25/12/2025 18:18

Bin it. Go and buy the one you want. Next year get him something he doesn't want.

TidyCyan · 25/12/2025 18:15

ilovepixie · 25/12/2025 17:59

The hypocrisy of Mumsnet is awful. Another thread has a woman complaining her husband is upset he got a different size aftershave than he asked for, the majority of posters are calling him a twat!

Yes, because his mum bought him a bigger size of the correct aftershave and he's taking it out on his wife. Selective much.

He's wanging on about airport limits and a) he rarely travels and b) most airports have ended the 100ml limit.

ilovepixie · 25/12/2025 17:59

The hypocrisy of Mumsnet is awful. Another thread has a woman complaining her husband is upset he got a different size aftershave than he asked for, the majority of posters are calling him a twat!

MyrtleLion · 25/12/2025 17:50

And women, the only moral here is that, if your husband doesn’t buy you a present, or gets you a crappy last-minute gift when you’ve spent much of the year contorting yourself around his desires, he is telling you loud and clear that he’s not prepared to expend any resources - any time, any energy, any mental capacity, any money - on getting to know you, on seeing you as you really are, on enhancing your happiness or on recognising your value. This Christmas, don’t let anyone convince you that this isn’t a big deal.

From https://open.substack.com/pub/rachelhewitt/p/why-are-some-men-so-bad-at-gift-giving

Why are (some) men so bad at gift-giving?

"It's the thought that counts" is only true when some actual thought has gone into it

https://rachelhewitt.substack.com/p/why-are-some-men-so-bad-at-gift-giving?triedRedirect=true

SunnySideDeepDown · 25/12/2025 17:18

Do you have a joint account? If so, just get the one you want. If you don’t, I’d ask him for the money to buy it. It’s not fair that he buys crap everytime.

TalulahJP · 25/12/2025 17:15

i wonder if this is what happened:

you asked if you could throw the old one out.
he said yes
you didn’t throw it out.

months later…
he thought about a gift and forgot what you said. didnt want to ask again and look silly.
so he decided to check your cabinet and saw a half used bottle and presumed you’d like a new full one as you must use it as it’s in the cabinet. he “knew” it wasn’t the one you hate as you said you’d thrown it out.
he bought another one of it.

mid suggest hes a fuckwit or he doesn't care.
up to you to decide which.