BIL on his own over xmas

Christmasses don’t have to stay static.

Your parents and your BIL could get to know each other, none of them have 2 heads(?), it’s only a day.

We have family responsibilities, these sometimes change, they sometimes push our comfort zone.

I would ask them.

He might prefer it though, you don’t know.

I’ve had the past 2 Christmases alone with my cat for various reasons & been perfectly happy with that.

I know I always have the option of going to my brother’s family up north, but since I don’t drive I’d have to be there from Christmas Eve to the 27th & they’d have to provide veggie options just for me. And I’d be stuck sleeping on a sofa, so no downtime.

Much nicer to stay at home, get some nice food in & go to the local Midnight Mass as far as I’m concerned.

Have you talked to them about it?

It's a bit late now unless you all live in the same area though.

In my immediate family we could bring back any friend or in law who would otherwise be alone at Christmas, there may be the odd- where we gonna put em ? But we would.
I can see they were perhaps a bit unusual, but I would be doing Christmas at my home in this circumstance if he wanted to be with us.

Alternate or go spend time with him or invite him over to uours on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

I would offer to have him next year & see if he accepts & ask your family to yours also

I was about to type a similar message. And OP’s parents in law ‘wouldn’t appreciate’ him being there… wtf does that even mean? Sounds like BIL dedicated his life to caring for his parents and now is getting tossed aside as an inconvenience.

I find that so odd, you've never spent Christmas with your in-laws until now.

I think it's time for your two families to get to know each other, your BIL has sacrificed a lot for his Mum and your husband

, what is the harm in him joining you or are there issues?

We have a very relaxed vibe for Christmas Day, anyone who's on their own joins us. We have in-laws of in-laws, single brothers, a neighbour. Surely your parents would understand he'd be on his own if he doesn't join you?

So, BiL has done all the caring duties for DMiL, thereby relieving DH (& you) of any. This has probably impacted him from having relationships of his own. & then you spend the last 20yrs with your parents on Christmas Day…. Unless there’s some massive backstory drip feed - I’m judging you.

WWJD…

We have fil over just for lunch every year since MIL died as he's tricky and has a long drive. He's fit, well and very active in his late 70s (has an active social life, still rides a motorbike, goes on six or seven holidays each year...) and doesn't bother with us all year (forgets the kids' and his own son's birthdays - MIL used to be the one to do all that evidently) but his friends are all with their families at Christmas and cynically I get the impression he needs a family photo to show them that he can also tick the box of having family/ grandchildren...

I would start finding things to do with your in laws and your brother before Christmas next year so hopefully they can get to know each other and won’t find it odd spending time together. Maybe start small and outside of peoples homes

I would still make the offer - I couldn't just ignore the fact he may spend the day alone and I don't think very many people would chose to be alone.

If your family for whatever reason are really that antisocial that they wouldn't allow you to bring your BIL (Have you asked?) then I suppose either split the day and see both; or you'll have to see him Boxing day or Christmas eve. Maybe he wouldn't mind the day on his own. I just can't imagine why he's not welcome at your mum's though. You haven't said they fell out, just that they don't know each other.

I could never let my BiL or any family member be on their own for Christmas Day - unless they expressly wanted that. Since my FiL died, my parents invite my MiL and BiL over every year they are hosting.

Why can't you host? You've been married 20 years surely it's time to do your own thing

My aunts BIL has always been invited when they've come to my parents for Xmas. He's a bit odd and not the easiest to make conversation with, but none of us would want him to be alone, and we all still have each other there. The man has spent however many years looking after his mum just to find himself all alone when she's gone. If your family wouldn't extend some Christmas kindness to someone in that situation they are quite mean.

Many people do not want Christmas forced gaiety with what can amount to basically strangers, or indeed forced gaiety with anyone.
I am quite happy on my own any day of the year. Maybe the two brothers would like time together, maybe not, just talk.

My sister is on her own. She's looking forward to it.

It depends whether someone is bothered about it or not. I've done Christmas alone before and enjoyed it, but it really bothers some people that I've been alone. (I'm with cousins this year.) I wouldn't really enjoy a Christmas where I knew people had invited me to make them feel better about me not being alone.

You never celebrated with them at all? And he was the MILs carer and now you can't be bothered to even have him? Now I have heard everything