BIL on his own over xmas

So many assumptions on this thread, mainly that the OP and her parents are mean and not normal and the BIL is a saint who had nursed his own mother ‘til she died. We know nothing about the family dynamics, any neurodiversity (although OP had said her parents are). Some people, especially elderly people, don’t want people they don’t know in their houses.

It always seem to be expected on MN that the woman steps up and hosts everyone or organises everything. These people who are on their own maybe so because they want to be, there’s been family fallout or they themselves don’t ever bother abs expect to be looked after and considered.

If people want to spend Christmas on their own let them, the season of good will works both ways.

You can’t have 1 extra person for dinner?

Your parents are the problem here. You need to lay out what you will be doing and why.

eg. We will be having Christmas at our house this year - BIL would otherwise be on his own and we don’t expect you to host him. We would love it if you could join us.

And then it is up to them - but it sounds as though you haven’t even asked them!

Stay at home, invite BIL to yours and let your parents do their own thing. It sounds like they had more Xmases with you than your DH’s family.

My sis is also alone we do every Xmas day at home and she comes to us. We go to my in-laws Boxing Day . I wouldn’t see here her alone. My eldest dd has her own house next year she wants to host and Dsis will be coming.

How do you know? They don't know each other! What you're saying is YOU don't want him there and you're looking for validation.

To answer your question, I would never leave a family member on their own at Christmas. He might say no but you should at least offer to include him in your plans otherwise. It would be pretty cruel to not at least offer. It's his choice to say no.

We switched it so that we did the hosting for everyone. But with hindsight I wish we’d done a bit of alternating.

Then carry on doing that. DH goes to BIL, you go to parents. If it worked in the past, why not now.

I'm on my own. I don't think my family give two hoots tbh.

Could you pop in to see him teatime, maybe?

What a sad post. How mean that your parents haven't even considered inviting BIL, how mean you haven't even spoken to them about the possibility of inviting him. Do any of you not understand the true meaning of Christmas? Grow up, do better next year.

I would 100% invite him.
He is family and there is always room at v the table for family.

Families weave and interconnect or should anyway imo. I couldn't sit and celebrate knowing my bil was alone.and bereaved.

Maybe your own parents might benefit from not having to cook for very adult children at this stage op.

If BIL has been the career has he taken the pressure off your husband and possibly put his own life on hold? I woukd see how he feels? I would speak.to him and then your parents. If he doesn't want to be alone then surely yiu can.ask if he can go there alternate years?

I live on my own and got over it by always hosting - especially for those in the family who are also alone - elderly and disabled. If I didn’t do this nobody would even check in with me. I have a sister who I thought I had a close relationship but found out she despises me.

Like your BIL I too was a carer for my mother and various other family members. Caring is rewarding but you lose so much when you do it. The worst thing is being take for granted by others who treat you like sh1t because the carer role is so looked down upon.

I am moved by your kindness to your BIL, Op.

Clearly the Christmas spirit hasn’t reached your parents

Sorry I have read your updates now - your parents sound extremely mean!

MIL and FIL were invited to my parents this year as would otherwise be just the two of them. As it happens they are hosting a friend now who would otherwise be on their own so not coming but you don’t leave anyone out at Christmas!

In my immediate family we could bring back any friend or in law who would otherwise be alone at Christmas, there may be the odd- where we gonna put em ? But we would.

yup. I’ve been divorced for 6 years and every single year at least one friend/neighbour/person I barely know! Has invited me to join their family for Christmas. As it happens, I’m happy with my girls but I think people assume me and my ex alternate, but we’re friends so he comes to mine too.

If he is just the one person and DH is close with his brother I would see him every year and do both families at the same time.

How small is your house?

In my immediate family we could bring back any friend or in law who would otherwise be alone at Christmas

Same here. We had a guest last Christmas who would have been on her own, and we have a different one this year. Both would be welcome anyway because they are good company.

That’s awful.
Clearly the ‘Glad Tidings and Goodwill to all Men ‘ has bypassed your parents.

I could no sooner leave my BIL -who cared for my MIL for many years and who consequently has no friends/wife/girlfriend -alone at Christmas than I could my own brother.
I wouldn’t give a damn that my house is ‘too small’. I would do a buffet so people can sit on the sofas. I had a 900sqft modern two up/two down and regularly hosted for 10-12. Gran in a wheelchair, buffet, younger people sat on floor. No big deal.

Your husband is missing out on being with his own kids because your parents are selfish - that’s the top and bottom of this I’m afraid. Shocking,

Agree with you there!

You’ve got a year to sort this out for 2026. I’d suggest you get your parents and BIL better acquainted (can you host a little event for your DH’s birthday for example?) so that you can all go to your parents, or you all go out for Xmas lunch. Frankly I think your parents need to step up and accept that your BIL is part of the family package now. You absolutely can’t abandon the guy, unless of course he wants to be left alone (over to your DH to find out)