BIL on his own over xmas

Did this impact your BILs chance at a life?
it could be that your dh has been beyond selfish for years leaving his brother to do all the caring, or it could equally be that your bil was happy with it.

Ah ok, I do think you might need to remodel your Christmas's going forward your parents are elderly and your Bil is alone.

Next year, invite everyone to yours-I'm sure you can have 3 extra people in your house; borrow three chairs.

If your parents don't want to come, that's their prerogative. Tell them today that's what you'll be doing so they have time to get used to it.

Then it is absolutely your turn to give back and do whatever your bil would like. It is far past your turn really.

I'm really not sure why you've chucked this into the pot. Find a way to make sure BIL isn't on his own on Christmas day. See your parents on boxing day

What has that got to do with your brother in law ?

I love being on my own at christmas and always choose to be. Doesn't mean I don't appreciate being being thought about and asked if I would like to join people.

But you don't want to change for him? I am assuming you always spend Christmas with your parents ?

Then find a solution. He can't be left alone on Christmas day imo. Next year you DH and children go to BILs. See your parents on boxing day

Well if your parents wouldn't welcome him and he wouldn't come the solutions are spend alternate Christmas's with him and have dinner out or at your/his house or you just let him have it on his own, they have lost their mum and you are sounding like you don't want your Christmas to change, what do you want people to say ?

So.....you can't have BIL at yours because your house isn't big enough. Your parents won't have BIL over to theirs because they don't like people

I'm not really sure what you want people to suggest?

You and your DH and children sack off your parents and have Christmas Day at BILs?

Once your parents have passed do ^

It seems sad that BIL looked after MIL for so long and will now be left alone on Christmas day.....DH going over to BIL on his own every Christmas day isn't a workable solution imo

There’s an awful lot of insular people in this country!

Start a new tradition of having BIL every Christmas and going to your parents on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. If they object, tell them the only alternative is for them to come to you on Christmas Day.

It sounds like you have an excuse for any solution apart from leaving your BIL on his own.

Normally, I'd say do what you like about who to invite but I do think the fact your BIL has been a carer for your MIL for so long makes this different.

He's already stepped up and done his bit for family. Now he's on his own. Sadly, that's often the case for long term carers who put their own lives on hold. It's your DH's turn to step up for his family now and make sure his brother isn't alone at Xmas.

If your parents are really that set in their ways that they wouldn't welcome BIL in this situation that's rather sad. It doesn't sound like you've asked them though so I wonder if this is as much about you not wanting change as them.

Instead of considering how much your BIL might inconvenience everyone else in your family think about how much his life has been changed by being MIL's carer. That could have been your DH. Time for him to do his bit and you need to support that, not make excuses to avoid it.

Honestly that’s really mean. I couldn’t imagine my mum and dad not inviting him in this circumstance.

I would 100% offer an open invite to either of my siblings, or my husband’s, for both Christmas Day and Boxing Day should any be on their own in the future.

I had a great aunt who came to Christmas for many years. She was my mother’s aunt who just did Christmas wherever my mother was even if that meant the wrong side of the family. So I’d just automatically invite BIL to be with you wherever that is.

Same here.

Being on my own at Christmas is infinitely preferable to spending the day at MIL's, where there can be 14 people (including 2 toddlers) crammed into a small, cramped and overheated house, and eating shite food because MIL is an appalling cook. And it's a near 40 mile drive on rural unlit roads, so no alcohol involved and a horrid drive home.

It also makes me sad, as it reminds me how much I miss my late DP.

My brother is coming to us today as he has every year if he’s not travelling. Just feels really weird to leave a sibling on their own unless a) they want to be alone or b) there’s a huge backstory
Feel sorry for your BIL - he’s been his mothers main carer for years, she’s died which is going to make this Christmas particularly hard for him and no one wants to invite him for a nice meal and yo spend Christmas together. Can’t believe that your parents “ wont appreciate “ having BIL there. It’s not exactly encompassing the spirit of Christmas is it! Never ceases to amaze me how selfish people can be . ( unless you’re going to drip feed that he’s a violent drunk or something)

Jesus so for years he was her carer and she was too paranoid to let anyone else help him or even in the house? Probably severely affecting any other relationships (friendships or romantic) he may have wanted. And definitely taking a significant amount of pressure off your DH and therefore you. And your parents wouldn’t appreciate you inviting him for a Christmas lunch?

Gosh it sounds like you and your parents are very set in their way and inflexible, which some people are, but sometimes you have to rock the boat a little bit

your poor BIL probably actually deserves to be made a fuss of a bit.

how old are your parents?

FFS, how old are your parents? We’re old and would be perfectly happy to add another to the mix. Goodwill to all men seems to be lacking here.