BIL on his own over xmas

Then feel grateful you don’t have any weird relatives. I would never invite my brother anywhere because he’s weird and rude.

I'm even more confused now. Has your MIL died so recently that her body has not yet been taken away to the undertakers?

I don't understand why you didn't go ?

There is nothing stopping your BIL from cooking a xmas dinner and inviting all his family and friends round.

Can't you make a new tradition of having him over on Boxing Day? Make it a bit like a second christmas day, swap gifts, give him a nice dinner, play some games. Then if he is on his own on christmas day he'll have something to look forward to.

You must have told your parents why your DH was not going to be joining you at their house on Christmas day this year. What was your parent's reaction when you told them? Did they just say 'ok' and not think to offer any suggestions as to how your children could get to spend Christmas day with their Dad?

If you were to tell your parents that next year your BIL was going to spend it alone, would they really not be bothered?

I can’t believe you are asking this question on Christmas morning. You don’t want to invite your bil to your house because it’s too small. For one additional person, really? You don’t want to ask your parents because they wouldn’t appreciate him being there. I wonder what excuse you would have made if the caring role was handed to your husband and you? This guy has no one else and you are questioning whether you should invite him over for Christmas Day. Shame on you, I hope the turkey sticks in your throat.

I also can’t believe that a grown woman hasn’t cooked a Christmas dinner in 20 years of married life.

We’d often have a random extended family member or even friend of a friend over who would otherwise be alone. I quite liked it as a child. I think you should just invite him to what you do unless he’s awful to be around I think it would be the nice thing to do. Christmas is supposed to be about family after all.

Im not sure why people are having such a go at OP, some of these dynamics are extremely grey and not black and white as others are presenting

Its clear OP and her husband would have wanted different care for the mum but that cant be forced on any one and the brother didnt want that to happen so her husband couldnt force that

She's not in control of who her parents invite or dont invite to dinner and coming out with 'I wouldnt have a problem with x random strangers coming to dinner' well thats not the point, her parents do, she cant just rock up with someone they dont feel comfortable with for some reason

What you could have done OP is start the conversation a lot earlier in the year becuase theres a few things missing from your post

Does the Brother in law want to be with family or want to be on his own, does he have other friends or associates he can spend time with, is he planning to go to the pub or something like that. Near us there is a small ethnic cafe that is open today, thats where we are going

Is the brother in law likely to be offensive at a familly gathering, does he pose risk to anyone, is he likely to be foul or anti social? If none of those perhaps prepare your parents earlier in the year, but they are not obliged to have people there they dont want

Your last option is that you hold xmas at yours, for a much smaller num ber including him and boxing day you go to your parents. Sounds as if that would actually be better for your parents in any case because they probably get stressed xmas day

Could you host one year OP? Then invite BIL and your family. If your parents are ageing they may appreciate not being the default hosts every year.

We are now the default hosts and we invite all the grandparents and our siblings. The GPs always come and the siblings alternate with their other in-laws. It means that over time (for example) my MIL has got to know my brother’s partner and sends their baby birthday gifts and my dad has got to know my husband’s brother etc. They may not see each other for the rest of the year but I don’t want people left on their own (unless their choice) so if you’re coming to us you bring a bit of grace and you chat to people you may not naturally mix with. Over time, it’s become very easy and my DC love it and feel at the centre of a very connected family.

I think you need to start hosting at your own home, with your DH, BIL and your DC, and visiting your parents on Boxing or Xmas Eve on at least alternate years. You’ve had 20 years of going to your parents, you really need to include your BIL properly somehow.

Some people do like to be alone at Xmas (I do) but I also have other options in case I don’t want to, which makes a big difference. Being alone because you have no friends and no-one has invited you can be a very different experience to choosing to be alone at home.

What would he actually like?

You've hit the nail on the head! Personally I love to spend Christmas alone, it absolutely suits me fine although I do have great memories of busier times. BUT - it seems to really bother other people who cannot accept that this is my preference. I find myself agreeing to things purely to keep other people happy - but this is the last time.
It's important to remember that everyone is different & that for some of us, being alone is exactly what we actually want to do.

If your parents won’t have your BIL/he wouldn’t want to go then I think alternating is the only option. Could you do Boxing Day with the one and Xmas day with another? Then swap the next year?

Especially after all that caring.

It takes years and years to get your own life back. Some people don't. I have two friends who died within months of the deaths of the people they cared for. As a carer myself I found that really scary and feel lucky to have both my life and career after years of intensive caring responsibilities.

I agree. I gave declined many invitations if it didn't suit me. This year I have decided to accept an invitation.

come on. He could have at least lived in the same country and given his BIL some respite occasionally.

Your parents don't have to know. Just have him turn up. I bet it would be fine.

Being alone over Christmas is pretty fabulous. I’d give a lot to have that again and hopefully will 2 years from now. So don’t blanket assume that he doesn’t want to be alone, he may love it

BIL has saved you £1500.00 a WEEK.

For fucks sake find some bloody compassion .....Jesus 🙄