BIL on his own over xmas

My SIL is single, and comes to me (and my husband) every year. I wouldn't think to not invite her.

How sad. I wouldn't think much of my parents if they couldn't find a seat at the table for someone who'd otherwise be alone.

So you've got 1. Elderly parents who don't want to go anywhere or invite anyone they don't know. But they are the ones with the actual space to host. 2. BIL who sacrificed his life to care for mum and is now bereaved and probably reclusive. And 3. Yourselves who want everyone to be happy but don't have the space to host and besides in all probability none of them actually want to go somewhere unfamiliar anyway.
If that's right @098yyiop you can literally only do your best in very difficult circumstances. Honestly I think the thing to focus on is not what you're going to be doing next Xmas but BIL's mental health going forward, because this is going to be very hard for him. You're certainly right to be concerned but equally you can't work miracles when someone is the way they are.
I hope you all get through this Xmas unscathed and that BIL finds some hope and enthusiasm for life after his mother's death, but realistically he might find things very hard and you need to consider how you're going to respond to this, for instance encouraging him to visit the GP if he seems depressed and even suggesting bereavement counselling, although I suspect he'll be massively resistant to that idea.
Best of luck and just remember you cannot be all things to all people, no matter how much you care about them.

You didn't see them for 12 years? Have you ever invited them to your house, not necessarily for Xmas but just for a Sunday afternoon or an evening? Did your DC ever meet them.

Bit weird. You feel how you feel. Are you looking for validation or justification not to care?

Sounds like your husband has it in hand though. :)

How would that work? OP says he has no friends, and his only family appears to be his DB.

I think the issue here is to ask him

Your DH should spend Christmas with his brother every year. He should not waste his time on his self-centred ILs.

My question qas do most people alternate or do different days...but I guess not and seems that most people blend

No, I think most people alternate BUT that’s based on numbers. So if, say 20 people each side, alternating is much more manageable than blending 40 especially for space purposes. However, if talking about one solitary person, it would not be typical to alternate and as long be takes up virtually no space, it would then be normal to blend.

You have received some really unreasonable and very fixed idea responses here OP

Lots of families alternate for exactly these sorts of reasons

You also havent set out what he would want, does he want to be with people at Christmas ? Are there local charities and food kitchens he could go to at Christmas?

I really don't think he would like to come to my parents and my parents also wouldn't appreciate that

How odd. What would one extra person matter esp given the circumstances?

You're getting a lot of grief here OP. As someone with plenty of weird relatives and a dementia-ridden mother living far away, I understand that no, sometimes goodwill isn't enough to bring everyone together in harmony. We've split our family any number of ways to give in-laws living in different countries their dues at Xmas...

I think it's decent of you to look for solutions for future years. And Merry Christmas!

It might be a bit awkward if your parents and BIL don't really know each other but the wording of them 'not appreciating' him coming over sounds so cold.

My parents-in-law are big on Christmas and have always said to me if I have any family members that are alone then they are very welcome to join us. Hence my brother (before he married) always came along. We also have Christmas altogether with my mum (widowed) when she's not at my brother's.

Op sorry to hear about xmas being so difficult to arrange but can I make a suggestion thst perhaps you worry less about making sure you spend xmas catering to extended family needs and consider your kids need to make memories with their own mum and dad too. Your husband going off every xmas eve and boxing day to be with his mum (at the time) and you priorising your parents means your kids have missed out on family time with mum and dad together. All these other adults have had their time, put yourselves first.

Her body is still at home? I’d worry about this another time.

Could you possible hold a BBQ or birthday drinks for DH at your place in the summer where your BIL and your parents could meet informally.

Do your parents live close by? Does BIL drive? Could he just be invited for Christmas lunch.

You obviously have an extremely unusual family OP. Probs best you stay at your parents each year and DH stay with BIL. There is no other solution is there?

I find that a very strange attitude. My family come to us and we regularly have strays and waifs join us (housemates of children/niece/nephew), friends of any of us, colleagues etc. I know that's not for everyone but your bil is your dh's family and your dh is part of your parents' family. I can't imagine not making space for someone that closely connected.

I imagine in this tale she has been kept at home till the funeral.

You’ll need to invite him to what you’re doing each year, it’s up to him whether he joins you or not. Speak to your parents if roles where reversed and your parents where dead and you where buy yourself how would you be feeling if no one invited you

Yup. This is a variation of the thread earlier this year where the OP wanted validation for her decision to not extend an invite to her sister who had been the long-term carer for their recently departed mother.

OP you aren't going to get validation on this thread. If you want to be selfish own it. But obviously the kind thing to do is extend an invite and forge new relationships.

What so she has literally just died and you are talking about Christmas going forward ?

This is a different angle, but in that position, for me it's not really about Christmas - that is just one day. What's more important is having a feeling of family in general and relatives that you can connect with. You BIL sounds kind and caring, and he has sacrificed a lot.