BIL on his own over xmas

Who looked after MIL when your DH took your BIL on holidays? Or was this in years gone by when MIL was able to fend for herself?

I hope your children had a fun Christmas and that it was not too traumatic for your DH and your BIL to spend it in the house with MIL's body still there.

Most people do what suits their situation best, there's no one-size-fits-all rule about this. Your family has a complicated situation and several very rigid personalities so you're just going to have to communicate with everyone properly. I agree with PP that helping your BIL find his feet in life again is more important than what your specific Xmas plans next year will be.

If your parents and your BIL still can't countenance spending Xmas with each other next year then obviously you will have to pick one or the other, or you and your husband spend the day apart again.

Why is your MIL's body still in the house? How long ago did she die?

Ah, that does make it more complex (e.g. BIL can't pop in for coffee in the morning) - he could stay in a hotel if enough beds was the main issue, but I'm not sure that's the answer here

How far away are you parents (I don't think you've said?) - mine are 8 hours away, so inviting someone else to Christmas, or anything else would mean some really interesting logistics; hopefully the distances for you are less? And how long do you see you parents for during a 'typical' Christmas (hours? days? weeks?), Just wondering if there's any way to include everyone on Christmas day, but maybe not all together

Erm he does have family - he has you! Just because he chose to care for his mother and not do what you told him doesn't meant he was wrong. We each have to forge our own path.

Do? You ask him if there's anything you can do to help him start a different life. I don't mean financially or having him move in with you or anything like that. I'm talking about getting him out of the house or suggesting/encouraging activities he might like to get involved with.

I was lucky that my DB didn't become 'all absorbed' in Mum's care. I did respite for him regularly and he had friends he 'kept up with' and activities he enjoyed. But he did have quite a few 'empty hours' to fill, especially after Mum died, so I did try to speak to him more frequently than before and invited him over for lunch more often.

Quite right and as it should be.

I think many people do not understand the type of dynamics that occur with people like OPs brother in law

While on the outside it might appear that he toiled away altruistically caring for the mother, left to it by uncaring OP and OP's husband who were quite happy for someone else to do the grunt work, what actually often happens is that someone who finds it hard to function in the wider world see that by providing the caring role means they dont have to face up to having a job or friends or other interests. It becomes their life and serves a purpose. That doesnt mean they dont want the best for the parent they're caring for but also meets their own needs to limit their own life too.

Then the parent dies and the next phase of life is very hard, what is the next phase for someone like that. And now OP and her husband being accused of saving 1500 quid a week, not giving a shit, letting him do all the work. Seems very different to that to me.

OP, you've had a lot of strange answers on this thread IMO.

Lots of people are quite happy to be alone for Christmas - despite what social media and MN will tell you. There's also nothing wrong with not wanting to host people you barely know, even if they happen to be related to you.

In your shoes I would alternate (one year with your family, one year with DB) if DB even wants that.

So much for accpting people for who they are these days, their real selves

OP's parents arent terrible horrible people, they would struggle with someone they didnt know and so would the brother in law. The solution is not as straight forward as making the parents invite him (and what right has anyone got anyway to make someone invite someone to someone elses house) or for him to be forced into someone elses house who he doesnt know Im guessing that would be hard for him

OP I’d like to think that things will look quite different next Christmas. Clearly your MIL was rather strange, and didn’t want anyone other that her 2 sons in the house. However, now she isn’t around any more, presumably you may get to know your BIL better. He also may develop more of a social life, now he’s no longer caring for his Mum, and may even have a partner of his own next year (apologies if I’ve missed something that suggests this would never happen).

@098yyiop

Since you recognize that BiL put his own life on hold and it's been irrevocably changed by caring for your MiL, perhaps now that she's gone you and your DH might try over the coming year to 'integrate' him a bit more into your lives and possibly introduce him to your parents. Perhaps by the end of the year you would all be comfortable with him coming to your parents for Xmas 2026. What can it hurt to try? The worst that can happen is that things continue as they are. Of course, he may want to continue with what appears to be sort of a solitary lifestyle, but I'd certainly want him to 'blossom' now that the caring days are over.

You do realize that he saved you and your DH a lot of trouble by taking over the care of MiL, don't you? My DB was our mother's carer and I am eternally grateful to him for what he did until her dementia progressed to where it was necessary to place her in a home. You said you and DH told DB you'd find a care home for his mum, but caring doesn't stop when a beloved family member enters a care home. There are visits to do to keep them happy and also to 'keep an eye on things'. Errands to run and finances to watch. You can't just put them in a home and walk away.

Absolutely this. Shocking.

A very sensible answer!

families are complex, we have to try our best in difficult situations and manage different personalities.

In my own family, my mother is very welcoming but I know my siblings aren’t very sociable so would struggle with someone they didn’t know very well. That doesn’t make them bad people it’s just who they are. Plus my family’s idea of Christmas is a turkey roast dinner and a mince pie and then back to normal. No booze, no extra food, no singing, dancing, board games. Quite boring actually 😂

I also don’t agree that your mum and dad need to get to know your brother in law just so he can spend Christmas with you. My mum wouldn’t know my brother in law from Adam!

I think you can get away with this year as it’s the first year since their mother died, but going forward you need to change it up for a number of reasons
its sad to leave BIL alone, especially since he may have sacrificed his own social connections to care for their mother with MH issues
your DH never gets to spend Xmas Day with his own children?
as the children get older they’re not going to want to spend the entire time at their grandparents

id put it aside this year but start looking at the how-to and start dropping hints to your parents on 1 Sept next year.

This really. If they don’t know each other, now’s the time to get better acquainted. Your parents would really expect you to leave your BIL home alone rather than invite him to yours? Surely not?

We would invite him to be with us wherever we were going - no one I would ever spend christmas with would begrudge an extra persona at the table if they would otherwise be alone.

Honestly?

I'd prioritize BIl over your parents. He cared for your inlaws until they died. He's now on his own, partially as a result of that no doubt. If your extended family is that unwelcoming to include him as part of your extended family, then extend an invitation to have him at yours for the holidays going forward

If he won’t take up an invitation, then he will have to be alone. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I would gladly invite people anytime I’m hosting. And it’s kind to make space at the table at your parents, but obviously that has to be your parents’ call. But I’m not changing my plans around to avoid someone being on their own. He needs to create a support network for himself, partner, friends, extended family, go volunteer, go to a community meal. If you don’t have a partner and children, you have to be resourceful.