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AIBU?

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Original poster

To struggle to understand practicing non-believers

107 replies

Relient · 25/12/2025 01:47

Hi, first of all this isn’t intended on a personal attack on how any believes of lives there life. I also want to make clear I’m not talking about people who participate in the cultural aspects of a religious holiday but not the religious, it’s about a very specific belief system which I’m struggling to understand.

This year my son began dating someone new, she is early 20s Portuguese and Italian. We aren’t spending Christmas with them but we met up with them today.

In meeting up with them I learnt a lot about her beliefs, again I’m not judging them or saying my inability to understand makes her belief system wrong. I’m merely now thinking about it in a more abstract sense inspired by what I learned.

His girlfriend is what she called an agnostic Catholic or practicing non-believer. She said that she doesn’t believe with full faith there is a god but doesn’t believe it’s impossible for a god to exist, she said that she bases her non-belief on what is currently proven as fact and her lack of commitment to there definitely not being a god on the fact that humanity is ever continuing to learn and discover new things, so she can rationalise that there may be a time where a god could be proven, even if as of yet that isn’t possible.

She then explained that she goes to church during Holy Week, several times around Christmas and any time where she is feeling like she needs some comfort in life, however she doesn’t consciously keep to any rules, confess etc.

I asked why she still goes to church here in London, when she doesn’t really believe and she said she felt the sense of community, tradition, reflection and humility it gives her.

As an atheist I’ve never really been able to understand this view. I fully understand why people believe and are devout, believe and adapt the practices to suit their life, believe but don’t practice and of course I understand people who don’t believe and don’t practice or those who don’t believe but accept the cultural elements of the religious festivals and celebrate them. I just really can’t wrap my head around someone who doesn’t believe, is incredibly articulate and philosophical about why they don’t believe but then chooses to practice anyway, especially in the absence of family being a driving force.

Can anyone here enlighten me? AIBU to struggle to understand this? Is it obvious and I’m somehow subconsciously missing it?

OP posts:
IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 25/12/2025 07:11

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 25/12/2025 02:22

I know quite a few catholics who don’t believe but still go to church at important times of year - part of it is that they were brought up with this so it’s comforting and familiar.

I can understand it - I am athiest but was brought up in a religious family - a few years ago I went to a carol service just before Christmas at a local church and I really enjoyed it. The familiarity and link to family members past was wonderful, and I just see the nativity as a traditional Christmas story rather than something that really happened.

This is me.

Dozer · 25/12/2025 07:02

This doesn’t seem a ‘struggle to understand’: do you dislike her church attendance and/or agnosticism?

verycloakanddaggers · 25/12/2025 06:58

She explained it very clearly to you:
I asked why she still goes to church here in London, when she doesn’t really believe and she said she felt the sense of community, tradition, reflection and humility it gives her.

Lampzade · 25/12/2025 06:55

Op, she explained it pretty well then.
I don’t know what you are confused about .
I am a person with faith who was brought up as a Catholic , but my brother does not quite believe in a God
However, he wanted his kids to attend a Catholic school because the rituals and culture are familiar to him.

DahlsChickenz · 25/12/2025 06:55

She's already explained it - it's for community, comfort etc. If she was raised with these rituals and practices as a child they will be an important source of continuity and reassurance to her as an adult.

I was raised in the Episcopalian faith (not an especially religious family, but occasional church etc) and my school was quite churchy. I'm a non-believer now but I still enjoy the ritual of a church service sometimes, because of the way it connects me to other humans in a sense of shared endeavour. It makes me feel peaceful and safe to be part of a congregation now and then.

MustardGlass · 25/12/2025 06:51

If you don’t already understand I don’t think you should try anymore, just accept it’s none of your business.

PermanentTemporary · 25/12/2025 06:47

She’s answered your question, it just sounds as if you aren’t understanding or listening?

I think religious practice is very obviously good for humans, and it’s difficult to find anything to replace it if you don’t believe any more.

Lurkingandlearning · 25/12/2025 06:43

I’ve seen posts where atheists have asked if it would be ok for them to attend church as they think the sense of community would be good for them. As I recall the answers were welcoming. So what she does isn’t completely unusual

DoIdriveaVauxhallZafira · 25/12/2025 06:32

Pandorea · 25/12/2025 02:08

I think for many people - particularly if you were brought up as a churchgoer- there’s a God shaped hole when you stop being able to actively believe. I find a lot about Christianity very appealing - that it centres human suffering and concern for others; that there’s a sense of mystery about the divine; the sharing of a community; the beauty of the music and language; focus away from material things; the biscuits etc.
If - while not believing you can accept that God is a possibility- then I think it’s natural to turn to the religion familiar to you for rituals at times like Christmas. Without them Christmas can seem pretty shallow sometimes. Humans have come together for rituals for millennia and just going to the football doesn’t always fill the gap.
I’m still trying to work out what I find helpful about Christianity and am open to the probably fairly small possibility that I might find faith again in the future - so I do seek out church services occasionally as part of this.

Beautifully put

DarkForces · 25/12/2025 05:51

I went to church for the ww1 commemoration. I wanted somewhere quiet and serious where I could be with other people and just sit and be quiet. Church felt like the best fit. At Christmas churches have carols that are etched deep into our consciousness. I was brought up by atheists but with the rhythm of Christianity. It's no wonder I want to go back to the rhythms of them now and then.

PinkHairbrushClub · 25/12/2025 05:48

i was raised CofE, church every Sunday, christened, confirmed etc and I suppose I do the same. I still enjoy a service and communion.

I think that community shaped hole as religion has faded is what I miss. If I’m honest I think the world misses it. I don’t believe in a literal god but view the ideas more as a group understanding of ideals of behaviour and community. Coming together in song and prayer is powerful and good for us.

These seem to be similar views of lots of people in a similar boat takes about here.

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 25/12/2025 05:41

Like several PPs, I'm an occasional attender, and agnostic. Church is part of my personal history, regardless of whether I currently believe.

And, fwiw, I like the ideas of love, forgiveness, and repentance which are at the heart of Jesus' teaching.

Qrinckle · 25/12/2025 04:23

My DIL is Italian and very similar, she has a very nuanced take on existence, morality and the role religion plays in it. She attends church, multiple times a year, her reasoning is mainly that it's somewhere she enjoys being, finds comfort and values the ritual and tradition. She also attends an Italian language church in the uk so there is a massive aspect of it not just being religion but community and culture.
Her overall take is generally that whilst she doesn't necessarily believe in the metaphysical existence of God with full faith, she does believe in the morals and values she interprets from the religion.
She is very much existentialist in her personal philosophy (no prescribed meaning side, rather than the nihilistic side), but has decided that meaning in her life involves church.
Her biggest internal debate is mostly around what they will do when they have children.

PurpleThistle7 · 25/12/2025 03:31

I’m an atheist Jew and I attend synagogue sporadically, light candles on Friday night and celebrate the major holidays. I grew up religious and it’s comforting to go back there sometimes and it’s nice to feel like I’m passing something down from my ancestors - even if it means something slightly different to me. I also went to church tonight with my mother in law (my husband isn’t Jewish) and it was lovely. I felt really peaceful afterwards despite having no connection to that religion at all. There’s more to observance than worshipping a diety and I get a lot from it.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 25/12/2025 03:23

I completely get where you’re coming from.

Oblomov25 · 25/12/2025 02:59

Interesting thread.

Many posts have explained it well.

I too love to go to church at Christmas, carol's and christingle, and love to be prayed for, and say grace. But am not practicing. It feels embarrassing and I can't quite reconcile the fact I'm not practising. I'll give this some thought.

ThatJollyGreySquid · 25/12/2025 02:53

Pandorea · 25/12/2025 02:08

I think for many people - particularly if you were brought up as a churchgoer- there’s a God shaped hole when you stop being able to actively believe. I find a lot about Christianity very appealing - that it centres human suffering and concern for others; that there’s a sense of mystery about the divine; the sharing of a community; the beauty of the music and language; focus away from material things; the biscuits etc.
If - while not believing you can accept that God is a possibility- then I think it’s natural to turn to the religion familiar to you for rituals at times like Christmas. Without them Christmas can seem pretty shallow sometimes. Humans have come together for rituals for millennia and just going to the football doesn’t always fill the gap.
I’m still trying to work out what I find helpful about Christianity and am open to the probably fairly small possibility that I might find faith again in the future - so I do seek out church services occasionally as part of this.

This is how I feel.

Redpeach · 25/12/2025 02:44

She explained it well, your evident disapproval is closing your mind

XWKD · 25/12/2025 02:44

I stopped believing in God while I still believed in Santa. I trusted my parents that these presents didn't come from nowhere. Still... The older I get, the more I believe in something. I think, like Sister Wendy, that religion can be a framework -I don't think she believed in the big magician in the sky. I now think of it as a community of people in search of the transcendent. I don't believe what a lot of them believe, but I'll go to Mass on Christmas Day. I believe that there is something beyond our understanding, but I don't think anyone else understands either. I think the existence of the Universe is miraculous. I think love is a miracle. I love the idea of going to a place to ponder on the miracle of everything, even if I don't believe what any religious people tell me I'm supposed to believe. I'm going straight to Hell anyway as I'm a filthy abomination. 🤣

BootMaker · 25/12/2025 02:42

BootMaker · 25/12/2025 02:37

I'm an agnostic Catholic. I was booted out of Catholic school.

BUT

I go to mass occasionally.

I love the Catholic turn of the year. I bloody love a Latin mass.

It's cultural.

There's a comfort in Catholicism. If you're brought up there.

There is a community that you know is there.

You don't have to tap into it all the time.

But it's there.

TheaBrandt1 · 25/12/2025 02:40

I don’t really believe but enjoy going to church sometimes especially in the village I grew up in and the Abbey where I now live. Beautiful old village church with lots of happy memories from childhood. Enjoy the history of the place the music and the peace. Doesn’t seem weird at all. You seem to have quite a literal “all or nothing” view of life.

BootMaker · 25/12/2025 02:37

I'm an agnostic Catholic. I was booted out of Catholic school.

BUT

I go to mass occasionally.

I love the Catholic turn of the year. I bloody love a Latin mass.

It's cultural.

There's a comfort in Catholicism. If you're brought up there.

Millytante · 25/12/2025 02:34

NanFlanders · 25/12/2025 01:54

I think she's explained it really: she said she felt the sense of community, tradition, reflection and humility it gives her.

Quite. What more need she explain.

CholesterolIsNotAPlace · 25/12/2025 02:33

Maybe she practices certain things "just in case". For an agnostic that makes perfect sense i think. She did say she gets a sense of comfort from it apart from the feeling of community tradition etc.

I am sort of an agnostic atheist in the sense that I think anything is possible but I don't believe there is a god or any higher power. I do pray though when I'm desperate or terrified. I pray even though i don't believe there is anyone to hear my prayers. I say the prayers I learnt as a child but prefaced with an apology to god if god exists for praying without believing. As they say there are no atheists in the trenches.

(Though I don't actually believe that saying. Im sure there are a lot of atheists who wouldn't turn to god even in the trenches). Maybe it depends if you grew up with some sort of religion and learnt to use aspects of it as a coping mechanism

NuffSaidSam · 25/12/2025 02:32

she said she felt the sense of community, tradition, reflection and humility it gives her.

Asked and answered.

I'm not sure what further explanation you're looking for. Do you mean that you don't understand what she means when she says 'community' or 'tradition' or 'reflection'?

Do you have none of those things in your life? Not from religion, but generally do you have somewhere that makes you feel part of a community? That has a strong sense of tradition and ritual that you find comforting? Somewhere that you can go to reflect?