To think those with at least ordinarily lives can’t understand despite being sympathetic?

Thank you. People are telling the OP to stop playing the victim and that lots of people are in pain. That is realistic advice because the alternative is just continuing to wallow and feel sorry for herself. Many people have difficult childhoods and disabled children, the OP is clearly in pain but her responses to other people’s experiences have been minimising and quite nasty and dismissive. It’s hard to show empathy for someone who clearly defines herself by her victim status. Hopefully therapy helps.

I too had one alcoholic parent, who was abusive, and another plain abusive one. When I left school, it literally felt like I fell off a cliff. All my classmates stayed on the top of the cliff, merrily running around laughing, having fun, looking out at the bright horizon, where I was stumbling around in the rocks and shit at the bottom with no-one to help me. That's the only way I can describe it.

I have managed to climb up, but I will never be where my classmates are, either financially or emotionally. But they would be unable to see that I have actually handled an incredibly difficult situation with incredible strength and grace.

I am a lovely parent now, and have found being so incredibly healing. My child will never be let down like I was. Maybe try to view it like that? I am sorry for what you (and I) went through, and say well done for getting to where you are.

I get exactly what you're saying, OP.

When you've had a traumatic childhood, no one who hasn't can really understand.

It shapes you.

I never said either was as bad. I gave these as examples of two things that had happened to me that almost no one knows about. It was an example of how people may seem to have 'ordinary' lives to op but actually don't.

As it happens it was my abusive dad who killed himself. I also have two autistic children. It's not a competition nor did I try to make it one. My point is valid - you never know what other people have been through.

It’s not realistic advice- it’s people retaliating because they’ve taken offence at a stranger saying things on an internet forum. She is lashing out about the sense of unfairness. Many posters on here who have difficulty conceiving, talk about jealousy or resentment when they see friends with babies.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

You need to work on your empathy thermometer. At the moment it's 0.
People face hardship, sadness and trauma in more than one way. You can't dictate how others are meant to feel.

Enjoy your DC and have a lovely Christmas Day 🎄

My brother killed himself 3 years ago and my sister has serious mental health issues too.

My childhood was almost exactly as you describe yours

however you can’t judge others because you think they have had it easy

We just accept what happened to us - it’s not other people’s fault. They’re allowed to feel they’re having a hard time or they’re struggling to make a decision - they’re allowed to feel how they feel

This is the crux of your failure to understand other people can have deep trauma as well as you. How common something is does not correlate with the impact of it on someone's life and mental health.

You have no clue if you think you are the only person on the planet who has issues as children themselves, you appear to be playing a professional victim it is not a hobby

Was your mother abusing alcohol because she didnt give a shit or because it was her coping mechanism as a victim of abuse? You say yourself that you didnt suffer the levels of abuse that her and your siblings did.

So your mother and your siblings could argue that you dont understand what they went through. Because you dont.

My point is that we each suffer different things in different ways. What you may see as a wonderful childhood may not have been wonderful for the child concerned. This is why I really think that some therapy to help you unpick this and reframe it so that you dont have the black bitterness growing inside for ever would be the best thing.

You dont have to choose the angry path as your father did or the escapist path that your mother took.

Its coming across to me that you are using your vicitmhood as a way to define yourself.

I get that, I did it too, especially in my 20's when I had finally properly escaped from the familial abuse. I kind of used it as a "get out of jail free" card, I didnt really know any other way to be. I knew that I wasnt the evil person I was made out to be, so what was I? A victim who deserves a free pass on what I said and I did. But it wasnt a get out of jail free for me, and it isnt for you either.

You can choose a different path.

I had an abusive childhood, followed later by an abusive marriage.

Eldest child has cerebal palsy, 3 younger ones are ND.

But I decided to let the anger go because it wasnt hurting the people who hurt me. It wasnt curing my sons disability, it wasnt taking away my other childrens struggle.

It was only hurting me.

Do I still feel pain and sadness about how things were/are? Of course, I am not made of stone. But do I focus on the unfairness of it? No.. Because what on earth would be the point? As I said, it wont change anything but what it will do is grow a black hatred and bitterness inside me that would poison me. Inevitably that poison would turn outwards and it would make me the very person I am bitter towards. You sound dangerously close to becoming that which you hate.

So I made a different choice to the one she made and you can too.

I wish you well

Yes, partly it's true, those that have had a charmed life simply can't understand. Is that the difference between empathy and sympathy?

I worry all the time and will for the rest of my life. It’s not something a parent of a ‘normal’ child will understand. Don’t get me started on those recently ‘diagnosed’ in their 40’s (married, jobs living normal lives with a smidge of additional anxiety) Autism is fucking debilitatingly awful. No independent living for us.

On the other hand, I have a beautiful healthy boy.

Just like you will never be able to understand what it’s like If all your son does is self pleasure and smear his faeces on the walls, you are better than some. (Recently pointed out to me that some are so much worse).

Most people in your situation would find it hard, of course they would. But most wouldn’t minimise the pain of other people the way you have on this thread, most people realise that real life isn’t the pain olympics and we all have our own struggles, some of which will be less difficult than yours and some of which might be worse. People also cope with life differently and some have better coping strategies and support systems than others. As I said before I hope therapy helps you.