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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had a disagreement with a friend this evening - who is unreasonable?

113 replies

Tillow4ever · 24/12/2025 20:55

I’ll preempt this by saying I am absolutely shattered after a ridiculously busy few weeks and very little sleep the last 2 nights, so I might just be being sensitive!

My middle son turns 18 in 2 weeks time. He and I have an identical sense of humour - a bit dirty, enioy dark jokes, find innuendo funny, etc. he has a few innuendo style t-shirts. I was showing my friend a picture of a t-shirt I have bought him for Xmas that I KNOW he will find hilarious and wear with pride - it has a picture of a cockerel on it with the words “stop staring at my cock”

My friend started telling me off and that it was completely inappropriate for a mum to buy that for her son. I explained it’s in a similar theme to stuff he already owns, and ones he’s asked for. I reminded her he’s about to turn 18. She asked me if I was shagging him (WTAF of course I’m not) and kept going on about his inappropriate it is. I tried explaining again about his humour and how I wouldn’t buy it for either of his brothers (20 & 14) because it’s not their sense of humour and inappropriate for the younger one. She was saying how she wouldn’t get it for her kids - I said that’s fine, no-one says she has to and it’s about tailoring it to the person.

She dropped it, but a minute later started again. She said that I’d mentioned reporting a major safeguarding concern to the school a few days ago (I hadn’t told her details as none of her business but I told her I had to report something truly awful I had been told about) and that I should be safeguarding my family too. I reminded her again he is pretty much an adult. I asked the other people at her party, one of whom is a secondary school teacher, they couldn’t see the issue and said it wasn’t a safeguarding concern in their opinion. I need up getting fed up of her going on about it so said I really don’t need this today after a busy day so I was going to go home, and left.

Now bear in mind too that her eldest son was joining in with some extremely outright sexual comments/rude games on New Year’s Eve 2 years ago (he was only just 19) and possibly the year before but I can’t be certain. Games like Cards Against Humanity, Bad People, etc. No innuendo needed with the stuff coming out for example. I pointed this out to her and she said it was completely different as he was older (13 months older to be exact).

So I sit here at home a little upset by her attitude but also wondering if she was right. I don’t think I’m wrong to get it - I agree it’s not in the best taste, or the wittiest joke in history, but that’s not what the discussion was about!

Mumsnet - I’m on the app so not sure if I can enable voting (I will try).. but AIBU?

YABU - it’s completely wrong for a mum to buy that t-shirt for a 17 year old about to turn 18, even if it is his sense of humour.

YANBU - as long as it’s what he wanted, there’s no issue here and your friend is being weird.

Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
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cityanalyst678 · 28/12/2025 19:38

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 28/12/2025 11:04

😂😂
I’ve just bought a Christmas jumper in the sales for next year. It’s just got two strategically placed baubles on it to look like nipples.
I won’t wear it to a family occasion but will with friends or DH

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Brave woman!😀

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 28/12/2025 11:04

cityanalyst678 · 27/12/2025 18:01

that made me smile….
i wouldn’t as men would shout’ sorry can’t see them’.

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😂😂
I’ve just bought a Christmas jumper in the sales for next year. It’s just got two strategically placed baubles on it to look like nipples.
I won’t wear it to a family occasion but will with friends or DH

UnhappyHobbit · 27/12/2025 23:48

If a friend of mine mentioned that I had to think of “safeguarding my family too” they wouldn’t be my friend much longer!

She sounds rather unpleasant

Original poster
Tillow4ever · 27/12/2025 23:34

pictoosh · 25/12/2025 10:17

I think it's a good time to bow out of the thread OP. Posters are going to wade in to register their disapproval one after the other.
You've got what you needed, now let the thread become the sanctimonious burble it will.
Merry Christmas to you and yours. X

Thank you. I popped back as had a notification that I was quoted. I appreciate everyone’s opinions on my original question, and I respect everyone’s thoughts on the t-shirt itself, even if we disagree about whether it’s ok for anyone to wear or not. As that wasn’t my question, I’m not going to get into a debate on that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillow4ever · 27/12/2025 23:25

ManyPigeons · 25/12/2025 10:41

I would have fallen out with anyone who suggested I was sexually abusing my son tbh. I personally think the t shirt is gross and wouldn’t like him wearing it out (others may read it and then feel quite uncomfortable because their interaction has suddenly been made sexual) but I don’t think it’s weird that you’d get him it - one of my brothers sounds similar to him.

Sounds like you were both drinking and being dramatic.

I had only had 2 drinks - fairly low % (2 bottles around 3% each). She was hammered given how she was acting… and that she is always hammered when I see her. Even if we are hosting a party, she will turn up pissed no matter how early it starts. I certainly wasn’t looking for any drama and chose to leave when I realised she wasn’t going to drop it. I didn’t make a scene, I just told her that i thought it would be better if I said good night and go home. I slipped out quietly so no one else would know I was leaving or why. I’m not sure how I could have avoided drama more than that to be honest.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 27/12/2025 19:37

She asked if you were shagging your son?!
You've not been sensitive. I'd actually say you've been quite mild. I can understand her not being in agreement and thinking she wouldn't do that for her son (well I can't understand it that well for her given the games with her 19yo), but to say it was a safeguarding concern and ask if you're shagging him is awful. I think the friendship would be over for me.

ParmaVioletTea · 27/12/2025 19:26

Tillow4ever · 24/12/2025 21:09

It’s all worn in an ironic way. He has respect for women.

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Oh, pull the other leg. It’s got bells on it.

Someone who thinks that’s an OK tshirt to wear in public doesn’t have much respect - for himself or others.

cityanalyst678 · 27/12/2025 18:01

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 25/12/2025 10:55

I’d wear a t shirt with that slogan in certain situations 😂

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that made me smile….
i wouldn’t as men would shout’ sorry can’t see them’.

cityanalyst678 · 26/12/2025 15:41

Tillow4ever · 25/12/2025 09:55

If that was her sense of humour and the sort of thing she wanted (and was 17/18), I would. Because it’s about what the person receiving the gifts wants, surely?

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No because I would know the crude comments which would get thrown her way and that would upset me.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 25/12/2025 10:55

cityanalyst678 · 25/12/2025 06:47

It’s absolutely your business. But would you buy a daughter a T shirt with birds on it saying ‘ look at my tits?’ I definitely wouldn’t …

I’d wear a t shirt with that slogan in certain situations 😂

Littlegreenbauble · 25/12/2025 10:54

Weird all round. Therefore yabu.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 25/12/2025 10:48

HeddaGarbled · 24/12/2025 23:11

But where could he possibly wear it without risking offence to bystanders?

Who cares if someone is offended? Just don’t look and move along.

My group of friends quite like daft slogan t shirts like this. My friend would definitely buy this for her adult son. It’s pretty harmless really.

ManyPigeons · 25/12/2025 10:41

I would have fallen out with anyone who suggested I was sexually abusing my son tbh. I personally think the t shirt is gross and wouldn’t like him wearing it out (others may read it and then feel quite uncomfortable because their interaction has suddenly been made sexual) but I don’t think it’s weird that you’d get him it - one of my brothers sounds similar to him.

Sounds like you were both drinking and being dramatic.

pictoosh · 25/12/2025 10:17

I think it's a good time to bow out of the thread OP. Posters are going to wade in to register their disapproval one after the other.
You've got what you needed, now let the thread become the sanctimonious burble it will.
Merry Christmas to you and yours. X

Original poster
Tillow4ever · 25/12/2025 10:09

I may not be back again now, I think I have a good range of answers to see the general consensus is that it’s not a safeguarding issue, so I don’t need to worry there. I can see it’s not everyone’s humour, but it doesn’t have to be - it’s for him to choose what he likes. It was one of multiple he had shown me as examples of ones he liked and was hoping to get, I made the decision to get him something I knew he wanted, like most parents do.

The boys are starting to wake up now, so it’s presents time. Have a lovely day everyone.

OP posts:
OkWinifred · 25/12/2025 10:08

It’s a very grim imo.
Personally, I don’t think it’s an appropriate gift for a mother to give to her son.

Original poster
Tillow4ever · 25/12/2025 10:05

Megifer · 25/12/2025 08:36

I think naff t shirts is a bit of a 'thing' atm with youngsters, my son and his friends wear t shirts like this and all coordinate who is wearing what when they go out as a bit of a laugh.

Like you say its like an ironic "we look ridiculous" Inbetweeners type thing. Ive seen a few young teen lads wearing similar when out and about, and HMV do a lot of this style top, so it must be a thing?

I think its funny, id buy my son that and would assume my friend is having a bit of a tough time so is choosing to focus on odd things.

Thank you, yes that’s how he explained it! Like they compete to see who can wear the absolute worst top? He only wears it of out with them or mostly at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillow4ever · 25/12/2025 10:04

Owly11 · 25/12/2025 07:57

Stop explaining yourself to your friend. Just change the subject. Yabu for even entertaining her criticism of you.

I did change the subject. Less than 2 mins later she brought back up. Which is when I said I was leaving as I could see she wasn’t going to drop it and didn’t want it to derail the evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillow4ever · 25/12/2025 10:00

pictoosh · 25/12/2025 06:51

Think I agree with this.
OK, she didn't like the t-shirt. That's fine. What's not fine is talking to you like that at a social event, like her opinion just had to be aired and shoot you down. It's none of her business. To go so far as to say that to you is very arrogant.
Had she had a lot to drink?

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she was very drunk for sure. But she is always very drunk when I see her. I’ve long suspected she might be an alcoholic, but I don’t know if she only drinks at these few social events a year or if it’s all the time - but she certainly doesn’t know how to only have 1 or 2. The weirdest thing is she is the crassest person ever, especially when she’s been drinking. Last night she kept coming up to me and kissing the Bruce Willis picture on my Die Hard Xmas jumper (I sure it because I know how much she loves that film), so she was definitely getting towards that stage of drunk already - bear in mind I left around only 8pm!

OP posts:
Fiftyandme · 25/12/2025 09:59

She’s utterly ridiculous.

Original poster
Tillow4ever · 25/12/2025 09:55

cityanalyst678 · 25/12/2025 06:47

It’s absolutely your business. But would you buy a daughter a T shirt with birds on it saying ‘ look at my tits?’ I definitely wouldn’t …

If that was her sense of humour and the sort of thing she wanted (and was 17/18), I would. Because it’s about what the person receiving the gifts wants, surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillow4ever · 25/12/2025 09:52

Tpu · 25/12/2025 06:42

You’ve twice used irony/ironic to describe it.
What is the irony?

I am in the “sounds grim” camp and getting it from your parents sounds gross.

Can you imagine turning up to a date to someone wearing that tee shirt? Awful!

But my question is can you explain the irony. I get the play on words that is the humour, such as it is.

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He wears it ironically in that he knows it’s crass and un-funny in the strictest sense, but wears them anyway because he finds it ironic to do so. Or it was something like that he said when I first asked if he was sure when he got his first t-shirt like this. Obviously no one else is going to know that’s why he’s wearing it but in his mind it makes sense to him. He finds the innuendo funny because he’s a 17/18 year old lad. A lot of them find that funny. It’s like he’s taking the piss out of himself when he wears it out of the house. I find them amusing because I grew up in a pub and pretty much all the jokes were dirty innuendos. I get it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, and I have no problems disagreeing with people whether it’s funny or not. My friend made me question whether I really was being oblivious to any safeguarding concerns with how much she was going on, which is why I came here to ask - because I know people on here will be brutally honest.

Of course I could have given him money for him to buy the shirts himself, but I didn’t see the point! It’s nicer to have a gift to open than cash. Obviously it isn’t his only gift before anyone thinks it is. It is the only present I’ve bought him (I say I not we because my husband doesn’t help at all with the Christmas shopping so it’s me that chose and bought everything) that has any sort of joke on it, so I’m not buying him a full wardrobe of these. He’s also got a pack of completely plain t-shirts, among other (non clothes) gifts.

OP posts:
ApplebyArrows · 25/12/2025 08:37

I would think badly of anyone wearing that T-shirt without being absolutely certain that everyone who saw it was OK with it. And to be honest I'm not sure I'd expect many 18yos boys to make that call reliably.

Megifer · 25/12/2025 08:36

I think naff t shirts is a bit of a 'thing' atm with youngsters, my son and his friends wear t shirts like this and all coordinate who is wearing what when they go out as a bit of a laugh.

Like you say its like an ironic "we look ridiculous" Inbetweeners type thing. Ive seen a few young teen lads wearing similar when out and about, and HMV do a lot of this style top, so it must be a thing?

I think its funny, id buy my son that and would assume my friend is having a bit of a tough time so is choosing to focus on odd things.

MangerThings · 25/12/2025 08:33

Well, I think your friend sounds both unhinged and a bit of a bully. Who upsets and shames a good friend in public on Christmas Eve??