Am I asking too much do you think four months into dating?

Seems to me he likes the relationship, but it’s not central. Four months in, if someone wants to check in, they usually do.
Not constantly, but consistently.
Once a day or less replies, especially after you initiate, to me signals:
“I enjoy this, but I’m not orienting my daily emotional life around it.”
That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.
It means you are not his primary emotional focus — and may never be. His kids are going to, quite rightly, come first.

You also might be mismatched in terms of expectation and communication styles.

I don't really like texting unless it is for a specific reason. I sometimes don't check my phone and often read a message but think I will reply later.
DH and I only text if we have something we need to ask each other....no checking in...no need to.
Perhaps he feels the same way. Not everyone needs constant reassurance or to touch base all the time.
Ask him how he feels about it.

Personally, I think messaging each other every day is normal. We always sent each other a minimum of 'night night'.

Sounds like you have an anxious attachment style

I couldn't agree more @Friendlygingercat

People have different levels of communication they’re happy with, it just sounds as though you’re a little mismatched with this which happens. It happens with colleagues even, some are keen to respond to emails as quickly as possible whereas others leave you hanging unless you send a prompt.

It’s one of those things you learn to live with. He obviously isn’t much of a texter which is fine. It doesn’t mean he isn’t into you, just that he isn’t glued to his phone and doesn’t want daily text updates.

Sterling advice.

Christ that'd make me feel suffocated. (Even once daily, ditto.)
Oh for the days of an X-rated letter, when the beloved is not within lassoo distance!

Think this thread shows that there’s no right or wrong answer, just different people with different communication styles and expectations

I’m not a big texter unless there’s something to actually say. I can’t bear the daily ‘hi how are you’ nothingness messages - it would go my head in.

You need to talk and understand each others communication and expectations. Then you can decide if it works for you or not.

Twice a day is hardly excessive 🤣

Are you absolutely sure he’s not married?

If he's at work, bust with kids etc he might not have time to text every day.
When I met my husband, he had 2 kids and when we weren't at work, we both led busy lives- we couldn't be messaging constantly.
As for meeting kids, my husband took this point of view- he knew he liked me and needed to know his kids point of view before things got really serious. So we met up together to see how things went.
Maybe talk with him and see what he wants from the relationship.

The if he wanted to he would is nonsense the amount of times I’ve wanted to message someone and haven’t because of my own bullshit… just talk to him about your communication needs/expectations and take it from there. His response will tell you what you need to know.

Jeeze if I had someone messaging me twice a day I would dump them as being very needy! I read all these threads on MN about people who have a date and then get upset if the bf does not reply to their texts within hours. All these self centered and entitled people who have no conception of the fact that the people they know have other lives and priorities.

It does sounds more like a situationship. But so early on it can be difficult to tell the difference. You’d usually expect a level of commitment, exclusivity, future planning and consistent communication. As well as being able to talk about feelings, a decent amount of effort and openness about their life. You’d have expected him to tell at least someone in his life about you and to have maybe met a friend or family member?
I realised that what I thought was a longer term relationship was actually more like a situationship where he just kept me at arms length and refused to blend lives. Unless you’re a priority in some way, it’ll never be a relationship. I stayed for far too long with someone who’d not make any effort as he wasn’t that interested.

Tbh I think in this situation - you are at risk of getting wound up by advice from people who don't know him - sometimes I think the hive mind can be helpful - but this man is generally a good partner so I think you need to just be really open with him. Rather than be acusatory just say - look ,when you dono't reply for two days I feel hurt and ignored and it makes me think you are choosing not to respond despite knowing it matters to me.

Then see how he responds. Is he someone who also doesn't message mates/ family much? some people aren't into it. He might be getting distracted by kids.

I think there are two points of view. Older people like myself don't see the point of message hockey and would feel it interrupts their day.

When I was dating mobile phones hadn't been invented so I was used to talking on the telephone between once a week to a few times a week to the current squeeze or actually seeing them in person. I would hate to feel obliged to constantly message someone. DH and I only message when we have something important to say - reminders to pick something up from the supermarket, for example.

People used to constant messaging would feel that something was wrong if they were with someone who would prefer to talk in person than play message hockey.

I would think carefully OP before judging him for this.

If he is good, open, caring in person - and the absence is felt when he is with his children - isn't that him. being more present and focused with them?

I think after four months - you need to talk about this. Would a daily check in if he agreed and understood improve things?

I'm not sure I'd message every day, probably every few days. And if there was something specific to talk about. I've also found some people only really respond if there is a question. Like they don't really see the point of responding otherwise. So, for example, if you write 'Hope you had a good day. Xx'. He might read that and just not think it requires a response. Plus I always feel a bit like kisses are the end of conversation (that might just be me though!)

Anyway, I guess, if its important to you, you need to speak to him about it and see if it improves/changes. And if not, how important is that to you? If your actual relationship is all good, then seems like madness to throw it away over a few texts. But maybe that's just me.

Like, from your OP it seems like you won’t see him for a week and you expect him to ‘disappear into a void’ like he does when you don’t see him for two days.

That isn’t a relationship, it’s a situationship. Because he’s not someone you can check in with and build emotional intimacy with as he’s just not there in any significant way

I am going to go against the grain here, as someone in a relationship with someone who has his kids 50/50 (and I have mine all the time) you do need the communication in between to carry things along.

Because life/work/kids take up so much of your time you cannot be spontaneous and ‘datey’ so you do need to carve out a relationship that is meaningful and not just based on snatched moments of being actually together.

My DP and I have always messaged, not to the detriment of the kids. But snatched moment of connection before or after work etc are what keeps the relationship going when we can’t be together physically.

You’re going to need to talk to him about it. It’s very likely that he’s just not a big texter.