To Think this could be breaking point?

You're not wrong to be hurt but I'd urge you not to make any rash decisions at this stage. Grief is brutal, get through the worst of it before you do anything long term with your mum. I'm sorry for your loss, @Chefpig .

You don't want to travel to her. She doesn't want to travel to you. The bereavement is sad, but doesn't mean she's obliged to change her plans, and the fact that you're considering cutting her off for not falling in line with your wishes makes you sound controlling.

Your mum is who she is, she's shown you to this before and she's not going to change. All you can do is change how you behave and think. That might be having her to stay less, for example, to prioritise other activities/friends to build stronger alternative connections in your life. Or it might involve less going out of your way for her, so that things feel more balanced. You don't need to work any of this out right now though. Plenty of time to figure it out after grieving. It might be worth thinking about therapy too, to unravel it all

Which is awful at times like this. When someone has to choose. And it feels lonely.

But in normal times, you and your mum rub along, you have pets, other relatives, friends.

My single, child-free, black sheep friend recently had an injury. All her friends rallied round because she’s lovely. And it was heartwarming for all of us to see how much the rest of us were willing to do. However, had it been Christmas, I wouldn’t have missed seeing my DH for her. She sees herself as rich, not poor.

At the moment that’s too hard, I understand. But typically, is your life rich?

But that’s totally understandable. I wouldn’t want my husband going home to an empty house on Christmas. Wouldn’t she have to get public transport? How’s that looking journey wise, and she’d probably have to stay over Christmas night too?

Ah OK, fair enough. Sorry I misunderstood. It does sound annoying and disappointing your mum isn't rallying round in your hour of need.

Do you have other friends or family you could ask to come round instead? I'm sorry for your loss. X

But why? Why can't he come to yours with your mum? It sounds like you're totally excluding him.

I’m so sorry for your loss, and I completely understand the hurt you feel with your mum not wanting to come visit even now that you’ve had this bereavement. It is painful not feeling like a priority or having support from a parent when you’re facing big things.
Prioritise your self care for now ♥️

Of course see she’ll priories her husband. He’s her next of kin not you. I’m so sorry for your loss but you sound rather selfish yourself.

I don’t think that you’re being at all unreasonable to ask this of your Mother in this situation, I can’t imagine refusing a similar request from my own children. I really don’t understand parents who don’t want to help out their children when they can, and in your situation I would remember refusals like this when called upon to help when they eventually need it.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I do think inventing what you would feel and do when you aren’t in the situation is unhelpful. We invariably think much more selfishly and in a more nuanced way when apportioning our time vs when we apportion other’s time.

Sorry for your loss.

I’m afraid you sound like an adult only child who doesn’t like sharing. Your mum doesn’t owe you this level of practical support at her own expense anymore.

That said, you don’t need permission to tell your mum you can’t handle her selfish ways, that she’s not giving you what you need from her and that therefore you’re going to cut her off. You are free to do that. But I don’t see how this will improve your situation. It sounds very much like you want to guilt her into putting you first and certainly ahead of herself under the guise of not being selfish. That’s not normal for an adult, nor reasonable nor acceptable.

I think you are probably in shock and in grief at this moment.

You've asked your other, she's said no. Leave it for now because your anger/upset with her will get mixed up in your grieving. And I don't think you need to drama.

Can you speak to others who knew the person who died so you can share some grief/shock with them?

I am sorry, it's a horrible time of year to feel.alone.

Im really surprised by the comments on here. Her daughter needs her because she’s lost a close friend, and her husband not spending a couple of hours on his own is a priority. Honestly I do think I would be really pissed off. If this is a pattern maybe now is the time to stop making her a priority as well.

I would be there for my daughter without a doubt…. Blood is thicker than water. You are definitely not being unreasonable. Sending hugs.

You’ve explained why your mum doesn’t want to come to yours but all you’ve said about yourself is ‘this Christmas I have to stay home’. Why?

Yes I think you are being unreasonable. I would have told you to come to me though - why isn’t that possible?
Snd why cut contact? You may feel you are not a priority but at least you still have a relationship with her, why do you want to lose that completely?