To Think this could be breaking point?

Of course. We only ever have the information from one perspective on MN. But crucially, no one who is suggesting that the husband comes first seems to have offered those theories. If we strip everything else away and all we know is that her daughter is grieving, could you fairly say that the mother’s husband should come first as default?

The sadness of being alone on Christmas seems objectively more bearable than the sadness of being alone and grieving on Christmas.

Where does it say that OP has a husband?

Its hard to know without more info. I have a family member alone at christmas this year also due to pets. Ive invited them here but they want to bring the pets which just wont work with other guests. They asked me there but i want to be at home this year because thats what my kids prefer and for me, they come first. This relative is now attention seeking on social media for being all alone but they made their choices.

Im sorry for your loss BUT if you can prioritose having pets you need to stay at home for, your mum is also allowed to wamt to be at home for her husband. My children come first because they are dependent but when they are adults they, and i, will have our own lives and its not always practical or possible to drop eveything when things go wrong. You already asked her to come amd she said no. Im sorry for your loss but it doesnt mean your mum has to reverse her decision for an adult child. Can you reach out to your wider support network this time?

But we don't know the history here.

We don't know if the mum is feeling well or if she has guests coming or if she's exhausted or if this yet another in a long line of dramas.

The story could be told very differently by the OP's mother.

But that's an issue with your husband not your mother ....

The hell is wrong with some of the people responding? “Husband comes first” “husband comes before pets”.

Your children come first. If your step father was halfway decent he’d be putting your mother on a train down to you to support you and offering to come down tomorrow to help cook or lend support, or giving you space to spend with your mum.

You’re right to feel deeply hurt by this OP, but it sounds like there are much more complicated and difficult things to unpack with your family, and when you’re grieving might not be the right time to do it. Are there friends you can see for support over Christmas? Other family members?

I'm sorry for your loss. At this point in life your mum can choose who is her priority and it can be anyone and no-one. Unfortunately she has shown you that it isn't you which must be very disappointing. However you get to choose as well. I know you say you are no one's priority and that sucks but this is your life and if you want that to change its up to you to do that. Get out there, meet more people, build relationships. Accept your mum for who she is and remember it isn't a reflection on you.

OP, you knew your mum was going to do this. You've had years of prior behaviour. When it's presented to you in such a stark scenario (even when you knew this was what she was going to do) it really hurts. Deep down you've always known she's not the same mum as other people's mums but it's hard to push that down and ignore when its something like a bereavement and you would like some support. It's not that you need support, it would just be nice from the person who you're supposed to be close with and who ought to want to support you. I hear you, I get you. It's utterly fucking shit to have a mother who doesn't do that kind of 'drop everything' support, even just once.

Big girl pants, you've managed without her support all this time. And maybe think twice about letting them come and enjoy their little holiday by the sea every few weeks next year. Put yourself first. Sending a hug, sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry you feel like that and especially that you aren't anyone's priority. I've felt that many times in my life and it a sad, lonely place to be.

There is obviously history here and perhaps also a dependency on your mother based on the above. Your mother has her own reasons for putting her foot down at times and putting her own wants first.

I would think long and hard about cuttng her off as you will be the one to suffer most if you do.

Do you have a friend you can call for a chat?
Can you bring your pets to your mother's house if you can't bear to be alone?

In this instance I really think it should be you that disrupts your environment to go to your mum instead of expecting her to drop everything and go to you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry that's the case. But, as a grown woman, you can't rely on your mum to make you her number one priority just because you haven't formed any more significant connections yet.

It's your responsibility to form a reciprocal network of support now that you're a grown up.

Why do you have to stay home? Cant you go to hers?

what a nasty tone in some of these reponses. The Op has just lost someone and is grieving.

And your side is you won’t leave home because you don’t want your pets to be alone 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ve arranged a dog sitter to facilitate Christmas stays and you could have done the same, but you chose not to.

Sorry for your loss, OP. If I were you, I would stop hoping that she'll ever prioritise you because she won't. People don't change. I would stop hoping that she will behave differently, and adjust your expectations accordingly. I too had a mother who was incapable of prioritising me, for however short a period. I matched her energy and made a life without reference to her.

If you’ve suffered a close loss I know how it it is. Been there with DH. But no one can help, no matter how much they try, so I would just mourn your loss and accept other people will never make it easier.

You are an adult and she’s married so that’s fair enough. You won’t want to leave your pets, she doesn’t want to leave her husband

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.
I would always prioritise my daughter over my H tbh - so if I was your Mum I'd come over, no question. But lots of women do remarry and prioritise their new husband over their children sadly.
The shock and grief of your bereavement is probably making you see everything negatively - I'm a soon-to-be divorced mum, and quite honestly, I'm not sure I'm anyone's priority either! I'm always the one who has to pull everything together for everyone else.
In your situation, I think I'd try to find a way to go and visit her instead, so I wasn't alone. But then I am an irredeemable people pleaser.
If you can't do that, then please take care of yourself, you will be in total shock. Self-care: make sure you eat and drink enough, go easy on yourself, cry, listen to music, read etc etc.

I agree with this (and I have pets I really hate leaving).

Or could the step dad come to yours when he finishes work?

Sorry but in this circumstance my adult child would definitely come first. It’s ridiculous to think a woman can’t leave her husband on his own and be with her grieving child. I don’t understand this DH trumps all attitude, it’s like something from the 1950s!

You should have sorted your pets out and gone to hers... think her husband comes before pets.

I'm not saying your wrong. It's deeply hurtful that your mum won't come and support you and a grown man can be alone at Christmas when he's working.

However, the general advice is not to make permanent decisions in the first six months of grief. It would be unwise to cut your mum off right now- stick a pin in it and come back to it when you're ready.

I’m a mother - there is no way in hell I would make the choice she has - I’d be there for my child even if they were 50. However, I think you have to accept she is who she is and won’t get better so you need to match your relationship intensity to hers - that doesn’t mean you need to go no contact - just meet her where she is in the relationship.

Sorry for your loss but you are being unreasonable here. Can her husband come too. It's Christmas

I'm so sorry for your loss and for the lack of support from your mum. I don't understand those who say her husband should come first, that's just insane to me! My mum has always said that her children are her priority, above any man who shares her life. And I'm the same with my kids. Sounds like your mum's husband is already the priority all of the time and it is so hurtful she couldn't make an exception in those difficult circumstances for you. My advice: stop expecting anything from her, and I mean anything. Bu5 also, stop helping her out at all. A relationship of any kind should go both ways.
Lots of love ❤️

@Chefpig is your mum related to to the family member who passed away too? Do they have any other family you could talk to?