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AIBU?

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Original poster

To Think this could be breaking point?

181 replies

Chefpig · 24/12/2025 14:52

My mother has been with her husband for over 15 years now. There's been years of her putting him and his family first before her own family, as well as selfish behaviour.

This Christmas I have to stay home. I have always gone to hers apart from a few Christmases I spent with my ex and his family.

This Christmas her husband is working. I invited her to mine. I live 60 miles away and we don't drive so she'd have to stay the night. She stays often as I live by the sea. I'm never short of visitors usually. I'll be on my own, which she's aware of, but she's refusing as when her husband gets home he'll be on his own (from 7pm to bedtime which is around 9pm). Fair enough.

Today I unexpectedly experienced the death of someone very close. The day has gone by in a haze and I've been a mess tbh but I asked my mum if she'd come and stay seeing as I've had the bereavement and she has refused. She doesn't want to leave her husband alone for Christmas.

There's been years of selfish behaviour. Aibu to Think this should be the breaking point and the time I say no more to me not being a priority? I've seen no one today and will see no one tomorrow. It's fine as I chose to move away but I know if I had kids and they needed me, I'd be there in a heartbeat.

OP posts:
bondix · 27/12/2025 11:22

I’m sorry you’re alone on Christmas Day. I’m sorry you have lost someone and that you’re not a priority for your Mum. I know that hurts no matter what age we are.
You sound isolated where you live. Have you any friends close by?
I don’t think you should make any rash decisions about cutting your mum off. She may not be there on Christmas night when you need her but you already knew she wouldn’t be and that wasn’t going to change it seems.
That aside, do you have any friends close by that you could even pop around to for an hour?
is learning to drive an option for you?

Pherian · 27/12/2025 11:15

Chefpig · 24/12/2025 15:07

So her husband should come first?

Yes. Her husband comes first. You’re a grown adult and while you’re understandably upset about your bereavement- she’s done raising you and it’s actually really unhealthy that you expect your mother to drop her life to come to your aid.

You need to get a partner of your own and build emotional resilience.

You no doubt chose to live 60 miles away - and if you need to rely on your mother so much - was an interesting move. If you feel you need to be around her - go to her.

Tigerbalmshark · 27/12/2025 11:14

OP, is it a pet that has died? I only ask because that might explain why your mother isn’t being very sympathetic (though of course your grief is no less). Or is it a relative on your father’s side, and that is why your mum isn’t upset herself?

Your mother doesn’t sound very nice, regardless. In the new year, can you focus on finding better friends, a partner if that is what you want, and connecting with other family members if you have them? You are never going to get what you need from your mum.

WetWashingWoes · 27/12/2025 11:05

I can’t believe anyone has said you are being unreasonable. As a mother, I can’t imagine choosing to put my husbands need to not be alone for two hours over my adult child’s need for comfort after a bereavement.

I had a bereavement a couple of years ago and it opened my eyes to who was there for me and who was not. You deserved better. I hope you managed to find some peace.

Cakeandcardio · 27/12/2025 11:04

MuckSavage · 24/12/2025 15:06

She's not married to you.

Let me guess, you are not a mum? Weird reply. But then this is mumsnet 🤦🏻‍♀️🙄

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 27/12/2025 11:04

PinkiOcelot · 27/12/2025 11:03

So what!

Show quote history

Op is prioritising her pets, where’s all the aghast at that?

PinkiOcelot · 27/12/2025 11:03

MuckSavage · 24/12/2025 15:06

She's not married to you.

So what!

SixtySomething · 27/12/2025 11:01

canklesmctacotits · 24/12/2025 15:22

Sorry for your loss.

I’m afraid you sound like an adult only child who doesn’t like sharing. Your mum doesn’t owe you this level of practical support at her own expense anymore.

That said, you don’t need permission to tell your mum you can’t handle her selfish ways, that she’s not giving you what you need from her and that therefore you’re going to cut her off. You are free to do that. But I don’t see how this will improve your situation. It sounds very much like you want to guilt her into putting you first and certainly ahead of herself under the guise of not being selfish. That’s not normal for an adult, nor reasonable nor acceptable.

Your mum doesn’t owe you this level of practical support at her own expense anymore.
Do you have adult children?
One's children are one's children for life!
I'm totally shocked by Op's mother.
What a disgrace!

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 27/12/2025 10:57

Your mother, on the other hand, if she has the money to travel and isn't in terrible health, has no excuse not to see you and comfort you and to be putting her husband (and him not being alone for 2 hours...) before you. I'm shocked by that and absolutely baffled.
it’s NOT him alone for 2 hours, it would have been the DM leaving on Christmas Eve and not returning till today, so definitely not “just the. 2 hours” people are fixating on!

Eggcheese · 27/12/2025 10:57

Picklejuiceleak · 27/12/2025 10:16

Really surprised at the comments here. How anyone can think her husband, who apparently can’t be on his own for couple hours after work, is more important than her daughter, who is alone and grieving, is priority is beyond me.

I’d be hurt too, OP.

Agree ! Think that some people are deliberately antagonistic and lacking in empathy!
My children will always be my priority TBH and I think that is perfectly normal IRL !

Bishbashbush · 27/12/2025 10:52

I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you can gather some comfort from friends and other family members at least.

As a daughter, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to expect support from your mum after a sudden bereavement.

As a mother, I think it’s actually quite awful that your mum can’t be arsed to come and comfort you when you need her.

This is definitely a situation where I would drop whatever I had going on to be there for my child.

Alittlebitofthebauble · 27/12/2025 10:51

I'm so sorry for your loss op. Awful at any time of the year but especially terrible timing with people being busy with their own stuff so less able to make time for you.

Your mother, on the other hand, if she has the money to travel and isn't in terrible health, has no excuse not to see you and comfort you and to be putting her husband (and him not being alone for 2 hours...) before you. I'm shocked by that and absolutely baffled. Surely both of them could come also? Unless he wouldn't want to after work? Can't imagine not wanting to comfort my daughter and him not caring at all when he's quite content to use your house as a free holiday home on my occasions.

You cannot change what they are doing however. Use this time to focus on what you want to do and honouring your family member in the way you see fit. Perhaps watching some telly that resonates or listening to pertinent music. Music helped me so very much when my Mum died suddenly in July. And anything else you can think of. Your pets will also be a great comfort and can you call other family members/friends. You might be surprised who reaches out, I know I was. Sending you so much love at this horrific time.

MNHQ
KimMumsnet · 27/12/2025 10:41

So sorry to hear you've been feeling so low, OP.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans site at https://www.samaritans.org/ or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Samaritans - Here to listen

Samaritans works to make sure there’s always someone there for anyone who needs someone. Read more.

https://www.samaritans.org/

Dozer · 27/12/2025 10:39

Very sorry about your friend.

We can debate what parents of adults should or shouldn’t do for their DC, but you know your Mum and that she has consistently prioritised her H, so it’s unrealistic to expect otherwise now.

DolefullySingingMotherfucka · 27/12/2025 10:36

What happens to adult males if they come home to an empty house? Do they spontaneously combust?

DottyLottieLou · 27/12/2025 10:33

Can you let us know you are OK OP.

DottyLottieLou · 27/12/2025 10:31

Sorry for your loss and the way you are feeling. By the sounds of it, I don't think your mother would have been much help even if she came. Gently distance yourself for now. Start saying no to her. Make an effort to make new friends when you feel up to it. Widen your circle.

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 27/12/2025 10:30

Chefpig · 24/12/2025 15:07

So her husband should come first?

Given that you moved out, yes. You put your pets first this Christmas, after all.

MumOf4totstoteens · 27/12/2025 10:30

Could you not go to her? The thing is you should be building your own life now. Your mum needs to pour into her husband as that’s all she will have left once you have your own kids etc. it’s hard to split herself in 2 I guess.

Picklejuiceleak · 27/12/2025 10:17

lizzyBennet08 · 25/12/2025 10:27

I don't think I'd leave my husband on Xmas day . I think you're being a bit unfair here.
sorry for your loss.

Not even if your daughter was grieving the sudden loss of someone? Well aren’t you a delight? Jesus.

Picklejuiceleak · 27/12/2025 10:16

Really surprised at the comments here. How anyone can think her husband, who apparently can’t be on his own for couple hours after work, is more important than her daughter, who is alone and grieving, is priority is beyond me.

I’d be hurt too, OP.

PollyBell · 25/12/2025 10:38

canklesmctacotits · 24/12/2025 19:21

So actually you wanted her to ditch Christmas with her husband and spend it with you (all last minute) because you want her to AND because you don’t want to leave your pets! Come one, surely you can see how unreasonable that is. You need to stop relying on your mother. Build you own life with your own friends and your own partner and a support system and healthy relationships. This is so, so unhealthy and ultimately self-defeating. You need to help yourself.

Show quote history

All of this, you are being unfair there is absolutely no way would I ask my mum to drop everything for what you have put in the op ever

Alisonica · 25/12/2025 10:35

Hope you're okay, OP! Some very miserable responses. You're grieving and feeling alone and of course you want your mum! I guess she is torn between you and her husband and that is probably not an easy place to be for her.

Since you're both alone in the day, can you not set up a time today and have a video call with a glass of wine together (if you both drink) and have a laugh, even if you are geographically separated? Better than feeling down.

lizzyBennet08 · 25/12/2025 10:27

I don't think I'd leave my husband on Xmas day . I think you're being a bit unfair here.
sorry for your loss.

CottageLoaf · 25/12/2025 09:19

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think you've been unreasonable at all. Over the years your mum has put her new husband first, and you've accepted that, but in your time of need she isn't there. Personally, I'd be there like a shot if my child needed me, and I'd expect my husband to know this. Unfortunately your mum is a woman who puts a man before the (very reasonable) needs of her adult child. Take the time to grieve for your friend. And in the new year you may need to come to terms with the reality of your mother's priorities.
I'm very sorry for your loss.