To Think this could be breaking point?

I think you should be able to ask your mum for some emotional support, under these circumstances.You are good enough to accommodate them,as you live by the sea! Which they are happy to take advantage of.Your mothers husband should be able to manage for 2 hrs on his own.He sounds pathetic? I use to have a step farther who ruled by fear, my mother used to enable the behaviour.She would always put him before me, her only daughter! When I needed her which was rarely,very independent.She would always be unavailable! Please,please look after yourself, take care of your own needs.Mum does not sound like she wants to help at this time.Sorry!

Chefpig, terribly sorry for the loss of your close relative 💐💐💐

Its taken me too many years to realise my mother didn’t like me. I fully sympathise with you.
From what you’ve posted here, it seems that you still allow the M & SF to come stay with you…maybe quite a lot? I wonder if you might be happier if you could find a way of stopping these ‘visits’, as each visit is only for them really?
I really hope you can find happier times in the near future.

So. They mum has her own life, daughter is a grown up and chose to move 60’miles away because her mum is “toxic”. It she needs her she calls at 7am and expects her to somehow get there at the click of a finger when she doesn’t drive and it’s Xmas day!?!?!

Because she's her mum?!!

According to the OP it sounds as though the mum's partner is not around during the day (doesn't get home u til 7pm) so I'm not sure it's the case they'll be left alone for 2 days.
Regardless, I don't actually think what day of the year it is should make any difference to a mother being there for their daughter in her hour of need.

Apt username...

I'm not a mother either but this struck me as totally messed up. I hope she's not a mother, to be honest.

But that’s your decision … OP’s mum had made a different decision regards her priority, and that’s fine too. Just because you don’t agree with it doesn’t mean she is wrong.

So why keep letter her and her husband stay then?!? If it’s that bad and you had to move away then cut ties with them.

It doesn’t, nor can it be expected to be the parents priority once the adult child has moved 60 miles away and has her own life.

I can understand why you feel upset OP.
To not come to you because her husband will be on his own for a couple of hours is not excusable.
I think your mum is being very unreasonable.
Sorry for your loss OP

But why should you be yours mums? You are an adult, she has her own life and a husband. It’s not her fault you don’t have a partner or children.
If the shoe was on the other foot you would likely be doing the same.

There's a difference between some "emotional support" and "leaving your home at last minute Christmas Eve to Boxing Day to travel on public transport and sod all the food in the fridge and arrangements you've made with other people".

A long phone call each day would be reasonable.

Welcoming your daughter for Christmas at last minute would be reasonable.

Leaving your husband and home for two nights over Christmas, unreasonable imho.

when she/they stay with you each month, do they come to spend time with you or do you feel that they come because they want a trip to the seaside? If the latter, remember that you don’t have to let them stay as often, as long or at all. You could cut it down to every other month, or less frequently. It’s your home, you don’t have to let people stay with you if they take advantage of your hospitality and tell you to shush in your own home.

Sorry for your loss OP. I think some of the replies on here are harsh. As a mother myself I would go to my adult children if they had lost someone close to them, I know my mum would do the same for me also.

Those saying that it’s unfair for OP’s step dad to be alone Christmas Day……OP says he won’t be back until 7pm and goes to bed at 9pm, so it’s not as though he will be spending the day alone? I am guessing her mum will be alone all day until he returns at 7pm?

Wow, in what world do PP live that a child asking for emotional support from their parent at a particularly upsetting time is unreasonable just because they're now an adult?! Or that a parent's responsibilities to provide emotional support ends as soon as they are an adult?

My mother would be the last person I’d expect to be there in a crisis. I’ve always relied on my DP, siblings or friends. Some mothers just aren’t very good at the nurturing bit of motherhood, as much as you might like them to be, and mine wasn’t. It’s always good to have a wider support group as one person can’t always fulfil all of your needs.

But would the mother even be able to get to the daughter. She doesn't drive and there aren't many trains on Christmas eve and non on Christmas day I'm not sure about boxing day either.
OP I understand you feel you need your mum but I also understand why she feels she can't leave her husband. I don't think that is showing selfish behaviour and I don't think it's a reason to cut her out of your life completely.
Can't you have a long video call?

I'm surprised by these responses. Surely a mum would leave her husband if her child was in distress due to an unusal situation. I don't think it is unreasonable at all.

You seem pretty enmeshed with your mum and what she should do and what she should be like - not an unusual dynamic but not a healthy one either. As others have pointed out there's a lot of Fear, Obligation and Guilt here. A therapist might be very helpful in terms of rethinking your relationship and boundaries with your mum and her husband.

This.

I'm sorry for your loss.
Reading what you've written though, I'm not sure your DM is behaving as badly as you think.

You say you choose to be single, you chose to move away, you chose to have pets who can't be left. You also don't drive. All of which is entirely up to you and good for you on your independence.

But it doesn't make you very flexible and then something like this happens and you feel you have the right to make someone else change their plans and inconvenience them. While, it would be nice if your DM chose to drop everything and come stay with you, she doesn't owe you that.

Obviously, there's history here and that will colour your perspective and it may well be that she's not a very good mother. But we only have your side to that and what you've said (apart from the little drip feed later on in the thread about the loud sex and name calling) doesn't equate to a classic narcissist.

I actually can't work out what kind of relationship you have with them really. You say you moved away to get away from them but they visit regularly anyway. Maybe you do need to reevaluate what you want from her and what you're getting. But also, what you're giving back in the relationship and whether you have head space to see things from her pov sometimes.

This

It blows my mind to see so many people here saying that a husband should take priority over adult children, when the adult child is in emotional turmoil, and the husband is completely fine.

I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. If he chose to cancel plans with me because one of his adult kids had a crisis, I would have no problem with it at all. In fact, I’d think less of him if he put me before his kids in that situation.

Maybe be unavailable next time they want a nice break by the sea.