Christmas at in laws and lack of allergy awareness

I think given your DC’s young age and a number of varying allergies present it’s on you to bring and prepare their food.

I have allergies myself and wouldn’t hesitate to do this esp in a celebratory setting where I don’t expect everybody to adjust to my needs. It’s my problem not theirs.

Stopped reading after a few replies.

We live with allergies and carry EpiPens - it’s a significant concern re the exposure comment. Did you mean via your milk or for your child to eat them?

We ask family not to put out nuts - the risk is too high, even with cross contamination. If they can’t do that for us then we don’t visit.

Life isn’t allergen free but in a family home we can do all we can to minimise risks - and allow our DD to relax and not worry. If family don’t care enough to avoid allergens we don’t care enough to visit.

Re breastfeeding. Don’t care what anyone says on this thread - exposure through breast milk is possible - DD was violently sick after I had cows milk and then fed her. And I mean violently sick!

Is this for real?? This is how you think the families of children with severe allergies should behave - food peace and sort your own food out when you visit us. Seriously??? Did you miss the bit where they put out food that will - and did - trigger a reaction from their own grandson. Being kind to each other?? One side is trying to cause physical hurt to their grandson. the other side is trying to stop this.

I hosted a young adult who had severe allergies in my house (mum was a close friend). I managed to make sure he wasn't exposed. I didn't love him like I would a grandson. Like seriously what is wrong with people.

With all due respect if you haven’t breastfed an allergic child, quoting LLL is irrelevant and even if you have, a child requiring an EpiPen is considered high risk. In addition, people are different and what one child reacts to through their mother’s milk, another might not. Also there is no where in the post that indicates her baby is having formula or cow’s milk.
I have breastfed three children for over seven years in total and one had allergies while the other two didn’t.
Theoretically my allergic child should not be allergic to the things I eat, but in reality he was. My GP apologised when the results came back at 6 months showing my child to be severely allergic to dairy and egg products.
Also, an intolerance is completely different to an allergy. My then allergic child would have his throat closing and eyes swelling requiring an EpiPen if he had a tiny bit of cheese while a dairy intolerant might have a tummy upset.
I am sorry op this is very tough. Hope you can find safe foods to eat and keep him away from trigger foods (which can be very difficult).

Poor DH is fed up of his son’s allergies? So that’s why he’s being so ineffectual?! Give me a break. I imagine the OP who has had to eliminate those allergens and is constantly checking labels and thinking about safe foods for her baby is also fed up.

I mean this kindly OP but why are you being so passive and polite about potentially life threatening allergies? You’re being so meek about it, when you should be putting your needs and your son’s vital needs first! DH is hardly helping either! You must be starving. Please advocate for you both ‘FIL can you take out some mash before you add cream/butter so DS and I can eat it’ etc.

@ManyPigeons They won’t change though so take food for child/grandchild. It’s not that difficult! I’m feeling the stress of this and I’m not hosting the op. They need to sort out their own food and it’s not unusual to do that. I expect the dh is fed up and wants food peace. There’s always a middle way and both families could try and find it, but there’s a stand off. Neither is being kind to the other.

They want a standard Xmas over their grandchild’s life? Must be real cunts then.

She’s said they’re not willing to visit her at Xmas and cooking /hosting from someone else’s house is difficult and bizarre.

His grandparents should be willing to eat other food to avoid murdering their grandson.

@ManyPigeons Not necessarily the case. See other posts. If the diet is too restricted and older people cannot manage, cook for them. They, I assume, just want a standard Christmas.

Sounds like your partner is the problem, telling them it was fine. I'd go home if you can't easily and safely feed your child.

So they're his parents, yet it's you who is having to say things and check things, and he's told them it's not that big a deal basically. He needs to sort this out.

I’ve been polite and just not eaten at the occasional single meal. I am an adult and know I can get food as soon as we leave.

my husband still speaks up and points out that his family didn’t make food I could eat.

you have a very young child and you are staying through multiple meals. This situation is ridiculous. Stop being polite. They aren’t being polite. They either need to cater for the allergies or you need to leave.

She means that if she eats the allergy food her baby reacts … obviously. And lactation actually changes dietary needs quite a lot from different DRVs for calories to Iodene, calcium, magnesium.

I’ve got two kids with severe allergies - nuts, dairy, various other things. One 17, one 11. Both carry 2 x EpiPens. To be very clear to your In Laws, your child could very easily die if they give your child foods they are allergic to or foods that contain things your child is allergic to - and milk derivatives, not just “Milk”, are in a lot of things - that’s even after dosing your child with both their EpiPens - they’re not a guarantee, they’re an emergency medication until a full ambulance/ crash crew can reach you. Do not get the idea that an EpiPen is similar to paracetamol if your kid has a fever. Allergen exposure to reaction to anaphylaxis can be very swift and you and your partner need to be on top of monitoring the exposure so you don’t use the EpiPen. As far as the “we want them to have a bit” - that’s bollocks without medical supervision, especially if you’re out in the sticks. I’m 7 miles from my nearest A&E, and I can tell you the 5 mins between me giving my 11 year old one of his EpiPens and the ambulance arriving two weeks ago was among the longest 5 minutes of my life and I was pretty confident the first EpiPen had worked and knocked down whatever he was reacting to. The 8 hours in A&E for follow on monitoring wasn’t much fun either.

She has to follow the same diet as the child with the allergies.

Honestly if he’s that allergic and they refuse to safeguard him I would just leave and go home. Tell them you do also require food so if they wouldn’t mind making just one or two things that you can eat that would be appreciated. Be difficult! It’s your child’s health!

This. A silver lining of having kids with allergies is that I had to learn to be assertive. I never had that skill before

Mine knew from babyhood that they couldn't accept food from anyone other than their parents or a key worker

It absolutely does! My son was very ill as a result of allergens passing into my breast milk

Your partner is most unreasonable here!

but having cared for kids with allergies particularly the milk and peanuts ones people will be offering the kid foods fairly regularly and you cannot worry about being rude or ott. I raised my voice to a nice grandmotherly type lady at a toddler group who said “one biscuit won’t hurt him” still extending her arm with the food that would send him into anaphylactics over my protestations he has allergies cannot eat that. It was literally the only way to stop her! (That got back to his mother as apparently people were shocked I’d be so rude to someone just trying to be nice- she thanked me lol).

things are definitely better with allergy awareness than when I first started work with children. Particularly gluten and nuts. But milk is never taken seriously in my experience. limited experience and also with kids who get hives or diarrhoea tummy pain no anaphylactic thank god. milk/cheese slips through too often when you do not have full control of the food as it’s so common in so much food.

honsetly when you care for a kid with allergies you have to remember that when you know you are irritating others or coming off rude. You get used to it after a while.

Yes it does when child has allergies - they still react to the item the mum has eaten via the milk

I have 3 allergies, perfume, seafood and latex of course MIL brings seafood to spread on toast. I mean could she just live without eating it. Mine is not as dangerous but I get awful hives. Sorry they don’t take it seriously.

I’m incredibly shocked that your Dh said that. That will stick in their minds because it’s what they want to hear. It’s really dangerous.

Did you read that her own partner doesn't care? He is happy to put his own child at risk.

In your shoes OP, I wouldn't care what difficulties it causes, in future it makes far more sense for you to stay at home and have your own smaller family Christmas. If other people want you to travel, then they need to be TOTALLY onboard with dealing with allergies. Your IL's clearly aren't, and you simply CAN NOT put your child's life and health at risk. If you invite the wider family to yours for next Christmas, do it in plenty of time, and explain that you're not prepared to risk your child eating or being too close to something that could kill them, and the only way you can more or less guarantee their safety, is by staying at home, so they either come to you, or they don't see you. Then let them chew the bones out of that!

Her own partner is the most stupid here. Poor DC suffering when it could easily be avoided.