Am I being cold hearted?

YANBU. I agree with the others who have said while it's sad, elderly people die and that's the natural order of things. We lost my grandmother just before Christmas a few years ago, neither DH or I have any grandparents still alive now, but life goes on. Remember the good times and move on and make happy memories with your loved ones.

Why are you going on Christmas day if they don’t celebrate it? What does this visit look like? I couldn’t be putting up with that.

That’s ridiculous. And they can’t have it both ways, they can’t decide that Christmas is cancelled and that they’re going to spend the day wallowing instead but also have other people (who have young kids!!) feel obligated to spend the day with them. If they really want Christmas to be cancelled, they can have a normal day and let those who want to celebrate spend the day another way! It all sounds a bit attention seeking.

No. They are being cold hearted OP, towards your DS.

Did your DH Grandfather celebrate Christmas? If he did, ask your DH if he honestly thinks this is what Grandfather would want five years on….. FIL died a week before Christmas and his funeral was held between Christmas and New Year, we have a toast for FIL on Christmas Day and MIL will share some memories of Christmas past, this is plenty to remember him.

If your DH wishes to continue with the current arrangements can you and DC go somewhere else? What about your family? Could you have your own Christmas at home? Someone needs to bring and to this tradition.

@Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService
Without wanting to sound harsh, I think it's actually disrespectful to the memory of a lovely old man, who I'm sure would not want his legacy to his family to be misery and gloom where there should be laughter and joy.

I completely agree with this. If my family ruined Christmas for small children by conspicuously grieving his death for years on end, I genuinely think my grandad would come back and haunt us. He'd be appalled!

If they’re not celebrating Xmas then there’s no need for you to visit then. It’s just another day to them.

I would ask my DH if he should talk to them in the autumn next year to gently suggest their mourning has gone on long enough or maybe just ask if they aren’t marking Christmas in any way because they’ve realised they really can’t be arsed with it

I lost my son to suicide on Christmas Day 5 years ago and even I think they're being ridiculous!

Personally, I don't put a tree/decorations up but I don't have visitors either, I'd probably have a small tree if I did.

My grandchildren (all teens and 20s) understand why I don't have a tree etc but we still have a Christmas, presents etc at my middle DDs place.

If I need a "moment" and belive me there's a few I go outside for a few minutes, back in, join in and save the tears for when I'm at home myself.

My grief doesn't stop because it's Christmas but I'm not going to expect everyone else to grieve the same as me.

If I were you I'd be staying home with your son, give him the Christmas and memories he should have!

Why go round on Christmas Day at all if they're not celebrating it? It's not as if it's particularly a day that should be set aside for remembering their grandfather, given that it is neither the day he died nor the day of his funeral. If they don't want to celebrate it, fine, but that is no reason why your son should have a miserable day.

Have you tried a conversation with your DH and others about whether his grandfather would actually want this?

That’s ridiculous. My very elderly dad is currently in hospital - he was actively dying last Saturday due to an infection. He seems to have rallied a bit now, but I still have all the decorations etc up for my kids and Santa will be coming tomorrow, and my extended family will get together.

You can't influence what they do. But you can have your own lovely family Christmas. If they aren't even celebrating, why visit on Christmas day? Tell your DH you are having Christmas at home from now on and will visit them a different day.

That’s fine if they want to do that, but why go if they’re not celebrating Christmas anyway? I wouldn’t let my child miss having an actual Christmas just to go visit people.

I would refuse to go and have christmas at home, you need to for your childs sake. Its sad but 5 years? DH lost his mum 2 days after christmas last year and we are still making the effort this year!

I don’t agree with their choice but it’s up to them so I’d go along with it.
I would absolutely bring my child and just explain that they do Christmas differently as do many others.
That’s a better lesson for a child to learn than cutting them off.
Children are resilient especially if you help them understand.

I read that first line as .....my DH is very small ...I thought what has that to do with anything 😳
But please for sake of your child celebrate the festivities ...poor child will hate Christmas every year if you don't turn this around!

That's extreme behaviour. If they don't celebrate Christmas, what's the point in visiting them on Christmas day?

Do you have Christmas at home with Decs, etc?

I am as Scrooge-like as it gets, but even I think a 10 year old child should be allowed to enjoy Christmas! Just have Christmas day in your own home next year, OP.

Its probably more a question of effort. You get older, you have made an effort for a lifetime to jolly up Xmas for everyone. & now, well who will look at the tree every evening ?
Maybe people should offer help to get a small tree/wreath/other
I had a flash by thought this year, “why bother.?” (My kids are grown & one is working away) but Dd came & decorated with me
I donlove it once the decs are all up !

I could understand this a bit better if a child had been lost just before Christmas, but this was a grandparent. It’s sad, but that is the natural order. It’s absolutely not fair on your granddaughter to not have childhood Christmas because her dad lost a grandparent. And also completely unreasonable of them to have not moved forward since this.

This, I sincerely hope that your dh doesn’t force this miserable Christmas on you at home !

@Gingercar I'm so sorry for your loss, what a huge shock 💐

Do you have to go visit? I mean, if they're not celebrating Christmas then can't you just visit early in the new year instead?

Also it isn't clear, do you celebrate Christmas in your home?

I don't think it's cold hearted at all. I wouldn't have celebrated the immediate Xmas after his passing obviously as a couple of days is too soon but the next one , even if I didn't really feel like it I would have plastered on a smile and faked it. And if my relatives had expected me to go for the day with a young child but no celebrations I would have refused.

Would grandfather want this Christmas mourning 5 years later?

This is my thinking too. You describe him as beloved, which suggests that he was a kind, loving person.

I would feel devastated to think that, after I'd had my time and I'd gone, younger generations in the family - especially children - would feel they had to stop enjoying what should be really special parts of their own lives, in my name.

The year it happened, I completely understand; and yes, the following year might be a bit more muted than normal... but after that?

Without wanting to sound harsh, I think it's actually disrespectful to the memory of a lovely old man, who I'm sure would not want his legacy to his family to be misery and gloom where there should be laughter and joy. Presumably there were plenty of joyful Christmases that you all shared together when Grandad was still with you? Would he really want that to now all come to an end forever for his loved ones whom he has left behind?

Do you still celebrate Christmas in your home? Or have you not had a tree or decorations or anything for five years?