Am I being cold hearted?

Just get him to visit on his own , my in-laws , only MIL now , stopped putting up any decorations after their sons moved out , they didn’t reinstate the decorations when the GC came along so we don’t visit on Christmas Day as a family my husband goes on his own before we go to my family in the afternoon . No deaths involved here they are just miserable .

Crikey that’s grim.

Would grandad really want everyone to remain in a state of mourning rather than enjoying life?!

I absolutely wouldn’t be visiting over Christmas, they can see you a week before or after!

So it's your DH's grandfather that died five years ago so I'm assuming he would be pretty elderly. Not to celebrate Christmas any more five years later is very odd indeed. I could understand not getting over the death of a child, but this was an elderly man.This sounds like performative grief and I wouldn't want any part of it.

I certainly wouldn't visit on Christmas Day with your child if they are still mourning the death of the grandfather and not celebrating Christmas in any way.

Oh that’s shit, it’s like they’re sitting around waiting for their own deaths !

life and Christmas is for living. If my own DH died I’d still celebrate Christmas with grandchildren, they deserve to have the christmases your OWN DH grew up with.

its monumentally selfish and self indulgent not to do that for your grandchildren when you’ve benefitted from it

say that to your DH (and the in laws)

Very good suggestion. They can’t have it both ways. They can’t expect the Christmas visit, but make everyone sit there looking at their sad faces.

yanbu, that’s so miserable and if that’s what they want to do they can get on with it. But you also shouldn’t be taking your kids over and sitting there in such a depressing place.

Could you visit his parents first then have your family to look forward to?

If they don’t celebrate then there’s no reason to see them on the day! Just say you’re celebrating Xmas and you’ll see them another time.

What’s the point in visiting them on Christmas Day if they don’t do Christmas? Visit them at another point and enjoy your Christmas for your kid’s sake.

It sounds like Narnia in real life: always winter but never Christmas.

Why would you never have Christmas? Can’t you do your own Christmas without the in laws?

I just wondering why if Christmas is not celebrated , why is there an expectation for you to visit Christmas day ? It seems a bit of a contradiction , no we dont want to / cannot enjoy Christmas anymore but still want to have family around because it's 'christmas'. How does your child feel? I would think this could be quite impactful on small child an an emotional and psychological where most other children are excited and they are having to spend this day in suspended mourning

This is totally unfair and unreasonable to be expected to still be mourning someone (assuming they were elderly and died of natural causes) after 5 years.
Its just not normal
People pass away all the time, its a fact of life.
You need to put your foot down, your child deserves more than this annual grief-fest

This is barking mad, to visit a house where Christmas is not happening at all!
If that family wants to opt out that's their look out, but surely any visit, if visit there must be, should be on Granddad’s anniversary, not on a day which has been blacked out of the calendar.
I’m astonished you've agreed to abide by this selfish nonsense all this time, and above all to embroil a child in it too. Don’t go ever again.
You never signed away your right to celebrate Christmas!

Sorry I voted YABU by mistake your child derserves to have a festive Christmas like all other children so you’re not being coldhearted at all

So your kid can never have Xmas because Great Grandpa died?

That's awful. People don't live forever, meanwhile your kid doesn't get to celebrate major holidays.

Give the ancestors their due and carry on with life instead of letting the death of an old man run your life.

Let them
Let them
Let them
Let them do whatever they wish
If they want to wallow in grief - let them
If they dont want to celebrate - Let them

Dont let them dictate your actions.

If they want you to visit them to witness their grief - "our day is going to be spent at home with our family this year, celebrating Christmas with our DC, we will see you another day."

Dear old fella - i'm sure he doesnt want every Christmas to be spent in tears and sorrow, creating new memories is a much better legacy.

Totally agree. Grief should be personal and shouldn’t affect everyone around you for five years,

Affecting a child for five years at Christmas is selfish. People are absolutely allowed to grieve but this is too much.

And yes, your poor son...give him a jolly Christmas.

Sounds shit. Don't go.
Seriously. Why would you go there for that?

You've put your child through this for bloody years.

Please tell me you have a tree etc at home?

For goodness sake @Isthispositive15 give your child a Christmas they deserve

Put your child first. He does not need to be around this type of draining, unhealthy atmosphere.

It seems they are stuck into performative grieving and frankly it is unlikely the deceased grandfather would have wanted his family to behave in this way and make everyone miserable...instead they should be celebrating both Christmas and his life.

If they dont want to celebrate then accept that but dont visit on Christmas day for you, dh and your childs sake as well as theirs.

I would do something with them on the 22nd to mark Grandad passing, light a candle or say a prayer if appropriate. Have a chat about him.

I think it is unusual after 5 years, are they ok otherwise?

You mean your bairn hasn't had a Christmas since he was 5? They're little for such a short time. Why do you go over Christmas day if it's just a normal day for them?

Stay at home. Your bloke can go over and grieve if he wants. Don't do it to your bairn anymore.